These Crashing Seas
by DustyMonkey
Summary: Set during Casey's censure. Casey is living a life she doesn't want and hiding a secret...and then Alex Cabot walks back into her life. Can Alex help Casey realize she still has worth? And can Casey finally reveal her secret? And when she does, will Alex stay or run away, and how will she deal with her feelings? Eventual Alex/Casey. Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is just an idea I had for a story. Takes place during Casey's censure. I wanted to post and see what you all thought of the idea. It's unrelated to my other story "This Glassy Surface" or its sequel. Just a side-project. I won't update it as often as I update my other ones but I will try for once a week or so.  
**

**Told from Casey's POV  
**

**Anyway, here it is. And yes; it's meant to start abruptly. Will get into more inner thoughts and explanations next chapter. Just wanted to set the stage with this one. Enjoy!  
**

I can't believe what just happened. I mean, something like this was bound to eventually, but it's been a year now that I've been working here and have not seen a familiar face. I thought I was in the clear.

And then Alex Cabot strolled into the restaurant, with a group of her henchmen. She saw me the same time I saw her, and at that exact instant I wanted to melt into the carpet and become a part of it. Alex Cabot – **the **Alex Cabot of ADA folklore – saw me with a tray in my hand, wearing my lovely polyester work uniform with a name tag prominent displayed on the front.

I had stood there like a deer caught in a car's headlights. I never in a million years expected to see Alex Cabot walk into this casual Italian eatery. From what I know of Alex, she frequents the upscale, reservation-only locales. Not the "two people eat under fifty dollars and we talk walk-ins" locale like this one.

My boss then asked me to seat Alex and her party, which furthered my humiliation. Here I was having to lead the woman I replaced in the DA's office to a table and take her order.

Alex had asked me how I was doing. I had wanted to spin around in my uniform and come back with, "How do you **think **I'm doing? I'm working in a restaurant instead of prosecuting Manhattan's scumbags." But instead of that sarcastic answer, I had only smiled at her and told her I was doing well.

What else could I say, really? That I was struggling to pay my rent and depressed every day of my life because I failed at the one thing I loved? That all my friends abandoned me and every night I come home to an empty apartment and cry myself to sleep? That I have a girlfriend who makes me feel more alone when I'm with her than when I am actually alone? Somehow that didn't seem like an appropriate topic. Plastering on a smile and lying seemed to be a much better idea.

I was careful not to make eye contact or talk to Alex any more than was necessary. But I could feel her eyes on me…judging me. And probably laughing at me on the inside.

Thankfully her party left a good tip and I was able to get back to my work without any ugly confrontations with her. She was decent to me, but I can just picture her at the office tomorrow, telling everyone she saw the great Casey Novak working as a waitress…and they'll all get a good laugh over it during lunch. Especially Lena Petrovsky and Liz Donnelly.

They won't have any idea that I spend every free minute I'm not at work volunteering my time at the animal shelter and tutoring high school kids for free, because it's something I've always wanted to do and never had the time until now. Just because I don't work at the DA's office any more doesn't mean I still can't make a difference.

I don't have long to dwell on my feelings about what just happened. The day becomes very busy and I throw myself into my work, running around constantly for six more hours until it's finally time to go home.

As soon as I walk out the door, I'm hit with a drop of rain. I look towards the sky and silently curse the fates for not holding off the rain – don't they know I have to walk three blocks home?

I wonder if Rebecca will be at my apartment when I get there.

My girlfriend Rebecca supposedly loves me. She tells me this often. When she's not yelling at me about something she thinks I've screwed up or coming to my apartment and waking me up out of a dead sleep to tell me I don't spend enough time with her. She tells me she loves me when I spend money I don't have on her and take her on trips that put me further in debt.

She treats me horribly sometimes, in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. But at least I'm not alone all the time. And who else would want a perpetual screw-up like me, anyway?

I pick up the pace a little and I'm nearly out of the parking lot when a voice calls my name. I turn around to seek out the source of the voice – and I see **her **again.

Alex Cabot is standing next to a parked Lexus. She quickly closes the driver's side door and quickly approaches me, wearing a smile. "Hey. I'm glad I caught you; I was on my way to see you."

A bewildered expression creeps onto my face. "Coming to see me? Why?"

"I just wanted to apologize for making you feel uncomfortable," she says seriously. "I can only imagine what that must have been like for you…I'm sorry."

I force myself to smile. "Don't be. You can eat anywhere you want. And it's not your fault I work here; it's mine. So please don't feel badly for me."

The rain is coming down harder now, and Alex looks me over before asking, "Do you need a ride?"

I shouldn't. I don't want her pity. Getting in Alex's Lexus and having her drop me off in front of my crappy apartment building is even more humiliation I don't want to endure.

But the rain keeps pelting down harder and I am fighting off a cold, so I nod solemnly and we job back to Alex's car.

I actually feel guilty as I climb in the passenger side and shut the door. Alex's leather upholstery is lovely and smells brand new – I don't want to be dripping water all over it.

Alex seems able to sense my apprehension. She laughs lightly and says, "It's okay; I'm wet too. Relax."

I simply nod and buckle my seatbelt while Alex starts the engine and asks where we're going. I just wait for her to make a comment or face when I tell her what apartment building I live in; but she doesn't.

We've been driving only a minute or so when Alex asks, "What happened to your car?"

"I had to sell it," I tell her quickly, looking out my window to avoid her gaze. I don't have to tell her the reason; I'm sure she can already guess.

I let us fall into an awkward silence because I don't want to say the wrong thing. We've just stopped in front of my building when Alex turns the car off and shatters the silence with, "Casey…I've been where you are."

I turn my head and look at her. She's looking right at me, her face set in seriousness. I can feel the emotion behind her words and see the sincerity in her eyes.

But there's no way she can know how I feel every day of my life. There's no way she's been where I am. Not someone like Alex Cabot. Someone like Alex Cabot would never let themselves become depressed or work at a restaurant. Or fall into a relationship with someone who treats them badly.

"You've been where I am?" I echo in amusement. "Really? You think you can really say that?"

Her expression doesn't change. "Yes. I can **really **say that."

I laugh bitterly. All my nervousness about being in her fancy car and fear of embarrassment is gone. Now all I want to do is make her realize how stupid her words are.

"I really doubt that, Alex. I really doubt you've ever felt the way I do or done the things I've done. I'm where I am because of myself. **I **put me here. Not a day goes by that I don't hate myself for it." I pause and swallow harshly, realizing I've said too much. Why am I saying this to Alex? It's not like she cares. "Someone like you has never been here."

"You're wrong," she tells me, no hint of anger in her voice at all. Her blue eyes are serious and she keeps them on my eyes as she speaks. "When I was in witness protection, I felt the same way. I put myself there too. I didn't back off the case like Olivia and Elliot and everyone else told me to. I thought I was this intimidating prosecutor that could put anyone's balls in a vice-grip; but I was wrong. I'm a mortal like the rest of you. I found that out the night that I was shot. I realized that I didn't possess the power I thought I did. One single little lead bullet ended my life. It took me away from my family and my friends and everything I loved. It gave me a new life I didn't want. Every day I lived as someone else; as 'Emily', a creation of the bright minds behind witness protection. Emily, who lived in Wisconsin and worked at an insurance claims office in place of the Manhattan DA's office that had become her home. I felt guilt every day just like you do. It was the worst time of my life." She finally looks away from me, outside her window. "Well, I guess it wasn't the worst time of **my** since I wasn't 'me' anymore, but you understand what I'm saying."

I'm shocked by what Alex has just said to me. I've always heard that Alex Cabot is a very private person, and for her to open up like that to someone who is practically a stranger is just amazing. I should feel honored; privileged even.

And her words do sink in. I understand what she has just said, and I sympathize with her. She lost her life when she became Emily, and I lost mine when my law license was taken away.

I feel I need to say something in response. If we were friends I would give her a hug right now. But since we're not even really acquaintance, all I say is, "I'm sorry, Alex."

She smiles at me. "I'm sorry about what's happened to you, too. It sucks to lose something you love so much."

I sit there and stare straight ahead out the windshield. Never has there been a truer statement than what she just said.

I'm about to thank her for the ride and her kind words and climb out of the car when she takes a piece of scrap paper from her purse and scribbles on it. She then offers it to me. "If you every need anyone to talk to, you can call me. About anything. I'm sure unlike me you have other people in your life, but just in case…take it. It's my cell number. I always welcome the distraction from work and life in general."

I hesitantly reach out to take the number, and when I do so, Alex's eyes go wide and shock and she grabs my arm. "Casey? What happened to you?"

I realize in horror that my sleeve has somehow rolled up past my wrist and I quickly roll it back down, panic rising inside me as I wonder how much she saw. "It's nothing…I got hurt at work…"

I take her phone number and tuck it into my pocket and I'm about to make my escape when she grabs my arm again. "That doesn't look like a work injury, Casey. You have bruises all over your wrist. What happened?"

I swallow harshly and shake my head, pulling out of grip and opening the car door. "Thanks for the ride," I tell her.

Then I quickly step out into the rain and quickly enter my building, not once looking back to see if Alex has pulled away.

Even though I desperately want to know.

**So what are your thoughts? What do you think is going on with Casey? Do you want me to continue...or scrap the idea?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I am impressed I have so many followers and reviews to this story so far! Thank you :) Glad you are enjoying it. Here is the next chapter. **

My life isn't at all what I imagined it would be years ago. When I was fresh out of law school, I had such an optimistic attitude about my future. I was extremely proud of myself for working my way through law school and supporting myself all while maintaining excellent grades. I was driven and determined to make a good life for myself. I made a promise to myself that I would never give up or settle for less than I deserve.

And for a while it seemed I was making pretty good on that promise. I got an internship at a prestigious law firm during my last year of law school and continued to do legal aide work until I went to work for the Manhattan DA's office. I started low on the totem pole but quickly proved myself with my strong work ethic, and was promoted to Assistant District Attorney for the White Collar Crimes department where I served for three years before becoming Assistant District Attorney for the Special Victims Unit. I disliked working with Special Victims at first; I had requested a transfer to Homicide and dealing with live victims was very difficult for me at first. But I stuck with it and found myself easily falling into stride with my job and the department I worked with. Elliot, Olivia, Munch, Finn, Don…they all became like family to me.

And now I don't see any of them. I received phone calls from both Elliot and Olivia after the suspension of my law license, but we never followed through on our plans to get together. I guess life got in the way for them…or they didn't know what to say to me face-to-face and figured it best to avoid it altogether.

So here it is a little over a year since I lost my license, and I'm living life like someone I don't know. I had to move out of my apartment that I loved to a smaller, more economical apartment. My wages as a waitress doesn't even come close to what I made at the DA's office and even though money has never been important to me and I was never raised wealthy, it still hurt. I had to give up a lot of things I loved. I sold my car and started walking to work because the cost of gas and insurance was becoming too much for me. I stopped eating out so much and started budgeted my grocery money. I haven't had to budget since I was in college.

My parents aren't wealthy by any means but I know they would help me financially if I were to tell them just how bad things are for me. But I never will. Not just because I know I let them down but also because I know my struggles are of my own doing. My mom says she's proud of me no matter what…but she can't hide the deep disappoint in her eyes whenever I'm around. The knowledge that her daughter is a complete failure reads clear in her eyes, and I can't stand to see it. So as a result, I don't see my parents very much.

I think the lack of a social life is what hurts me the most. I was never a social butterfly, but I did have friends before. I'd go out with the squad or with old friends from law school and fellow attorneys, and I'd even date here and there. Now the only people I see are my co-workers at the restaurant and my girlfriend, Rebecca.

I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself months ago. I know I'm here because I put myself here and I'm the only one to blame. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

My days consist of going to work at all different hours of the night and day, depending on what I'm scheduled. Never before have I held a job that wasn't strictly Monday through Friday with a set schedule and no holidays. And now I'm working six sometimes seven days a week including weekends and holidays, sometimes up to fifteen hours a day. I put in my time at work and come home to my empty apartment or my girlfriend lounging around on my sofa eating my food and watching my cable that I pay for, angry at me for not making more money and not having time or money to take her to nice places.

Do I feel like a failure? Yes, I do. Because I know I am. I made a dreadful, horrible mistake and as a result, lost everything I loved, including the best friends I ever had. I have a law degree hanging on my wall from a prestigious school, but nothing to show for it now. Nothing.

And then nearly a week ago, Alex Cabot came into the restaurant and saw me in action, complete with ugly uniform and a humiliating nametag. Alex Cabot…who I had no idea was even out of witness protection. Alex Cabot…that I replaced as Special Victims ADA. Alex Cabot…the person whom everyone working for the Manhattan's DA office strives to be. She's what legends are made of. Her conviction rate is impressive and her reputation as Ice Queen – cold and unfeeling – is known by all who works for the office.

And I, like everyone else, believed everything I heard about Alex. Oh sure Olivia and Elliot spoke highly about her, but everyone under her or equal to her in her capacity knew the truth. She was a hard-nose, make-no-apologies, step-on-you attorney who did what was necessary to get a conviction.

And my first actual meeting with Alex cemented the belief that the rumors about her had been true. I was intimidated by her presence, and she did nothing to make me feel comfortable. Sitting alone in my office – what used to be _her _office – was the most awkward situation I'd ever been in. She was very cooperative when I prepped her, but took every opportunity to subtly let me know that she considered herself above me, even going as far as questioning my competence and readiness on her case. I was glad I got a victory on that one…but if you ask anyone else, _Alex _won the case from the witness stand.

But the Alex Cabot that walked into the restaurant was the not the same Alex Cabot that I felt intimidated by and inferior to all that time ago. She wasn't cold or unfeeling; she was polite and accommodating and even smiled at me. I didn't think she was able to do that. And she returned to the restaurant a few hours after she left just to apologize for making me feel uncomfortable.

I've dealt with liars and deceivers for many years and as a result I can tell when I'm being lied to or deceived. But Alex was being completely sincere in her apology. And when she drove me home and opened up to me in the car, it wasn't rehearsed or planned. She was speaking openly and freely, telling me things she didn't have to, things I didn't need to know…things I couldn't believe were coming out of her mouth.

I wonder what makes her different now? Is it because we're at different points in our lives…or is it because she's really changed? Or maybe I've changed and I'm seeing things from her perspective for once.

She gave me her phone number, told me to call if I needed someone to talk to. I desperately do, but I know it won't be Alex, even though I kept her number anyway. She doesn't deserve to be burdened with what's going on in my life.

And then she saw the bruises that I try so carefully to hide.

It's funny; I go out of my way to make sure I wear long-sleeves even on the hottest days. No one notices, or if they do, they simply don't care enough to ask why. Maybe people think I'm one of the those depressed people that engages in self-harm and that's why they never ask. I am depressed, but I would _never _hurt myself. No; I have enough people in my life to do that for me.

I'm sitting on my couch thinking about everything and happy to have a night off, when Rebecca comes through the door. I'm so used to her coming in unannounced that I don't even acknowledge her. I keep my eyes on my TV. My little thirty-two inch TV I bought after selling my beautiful sixty-five inch plasma because it was 'more practical' for my means now. It can be as practical as it wants…I loved my plasma.

"Why aren't you at work?" Rebecca barks at me, dropping her purse onto my coffee table and staring accusingly at me.

I look up at her. "Nice greeting."

"Stop being a smart ass, Casey. Why aren't you working?"

And this is how a typical night off goes for me. Instead of going out to eat or to a movie with my girlfriend, I get to listen to her rail on about how we _would_ be going out if I made more money and how she wants to go to the fancy fun places that her friends get to go to.

I would love to yell back and tell her that maybe if she contributed more and worked more than two days a week and stopped living off my food and utilities we could go places. I'd love to stand up for myself like I used to be able to, tell her she treats me badly and that I'm walking away from the relationship for good, like I've tried to do so many times before.

But the result isn't worth it. I guess maybe I deserve to be in this kind of relationship. It's not the first time I've let someone control and mistreat me. And I'm sure it won't be the last. I think I walk around with a target on my back. A target that colleagues, friends, family and the State Bar Association have all shot at and all gotten a bull's-eye.

And I don't understand it; I really don't. I think I am an overall good person. I volunteer, I love to help people, I _care_ about people even if they don't care about me…I recycle, I donate to charities, I'm honest…so what's so bad about me? Is it because I made _one _irreversible mistake? Should I be made to pay for that mistake every day for the rest of my life?

Rebecca yells at me again, and I know the answer to that question – I guess I do have to pay for it for the rest of my life. She's making sure of that. Rebecca is a very good looking girl; long brown hair, a little stocky, bright blue eyes. But she has the ugliest personality I've ever seen.

"Did you hear me?" she asks, picking up the remote and turning off the TV. "I asked why you aren't working?"

I sigh. "It's my night off. I'm trying to relax. I was hoping I could be alone."

"You never want to be with me," she tells me. "And didn't you just have a night off?"

"Two days ago."

She sighs in frustration and goes to my fridge. I watch her pull it open and I actually count the seconds it takes for her to complain that there's nothing she likes inside. "God, you don't have anything good!"

I stopped buying what she likes. Not only because I can't afford extra food, but also because I thought it would help encourage her to eat at her own apartment. Or maybe pick up something on her way over. We've been going out for six months and Rebecca has _never _paid for a date or spent a penny on me.

"I'm sorry. I'll pull some money out of my ass so I can get all your favorites," I snap at her.

She slams the fridge door shut and marches back into the living room. I close my eyes, waiting for her to start screaming or react in another way…but to my surprise she doesn't. When I open my eyes she's standing in front of me, and she angrily tosses a card at me.

As I pick it up, I realize it's a debit card. _My _debit card. My debit card that I keep in my purse, which means she went into my purse to get it. Again. And the last time she did this, she overdrew my checking account by so much that I had to take out a payday loan to cover the bank fees.

I can't hide my anger. I'm so mad that I'm nearly seeing red. I forget for a moment just who I'm speaking to, and I shift into old, retro-Casey Novak mode. "What the hell are you doing with this?"

"I needed a few things," is her response. "You didn't have much on there."

My anger grows as I realize she referred to my balance as past tense. I can actually feel my face growing crimson. How _dare_ she do this to me again? "Rebecca…I just paid my bills. There are checks out there and pending debits that have to go through on that card. Including rent. I have my money budgeted; you know this. If you've spent my money and overdrawn my account and those charges bounce, I – "

"You'll what?" she snaps at me. "What are you going to do? Charge me with fraud?" She laughs bitterly at that suggestion. "Not a lawyer in this state will ever take you seriously again. Good luck with that. Or maybe you were going to have a friend rough me up like in those stupid movies and TV shows you watch? Oh, that's right…you don't _have _any friends. Except those stupid shelter dogs you spend all your free time with. You're pathetic, Casey."

Her words sting, but I know they're true. I look away from her in shame, trying to keep all emotion off my face and out of my eyes. I don't want her to see what her words are doing to me. If she knows…then she'll have won.

I take a deep breath and calm myself down, knowing that I'll have to go to the bank first thing tomorrow to find out just what kind of damage Rebecca has done to my finances again. Once I feel calm and in control of myself, I look back at Rebecca. Her eyes are hard and cold. She has no remorse for the words she's said or how she's made me feel. "Why do you keep doing this to me? Is it fun?" I ask.

"No; nothing about you is fun. You're pathetic and depressing all the time. You constantly feel sorry for yourself. You act like being with me is a chore. Well guess what, Casey? You should be grateful to me that I'm putting up with you. No one else would. No other girl would deal with you never taking them out. No other girl would deal with your baggage or you in general. You are the most worthless person on this planet."

And then something inside me snaps. Normally I'd agree with her and tell her she's right and just go lie down in my bedroom to avoid a much uglier scene, but tonight her harsh words and actions have pushed me over the edge and I talk back to her.

"And what about you? What makes you so superior? You only work two or three days a week…you come over here and mooch off me and everything I have. You _steal _my debit card on more than one occasion and drain my bank account without my consent or knowledge, and you speak to me like I'm garbage; like I don't matter. I'm sick of it, Rebecca. I'm sick of _you_. Get the hell out of my apartment."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I'm in for it. I watch Rebecca's face contort in anger, and then she raises her hand and slaps me across the face as hard as she can. I can actually hear her hand hit my cheek, and it stings so badly that I have to hold my hand over it. The flesh is actually hot from the impact.

I should give some sort of reaction. I should strike her back, or call the police, or scream at her that if she ever touches me again she'll regret it. But I don't. I just sit there staring at her in disbelief, like I do every time she slaps me. After a few seconds have elapsed, I get up off the couch.

Rebecca takes a step back. This is something new; maybe my outburst shook her up and she thinks I'm going to fight back this time.

But I just give her a sad look and walk right past her. I head down the hallway to my bedroom and slam the door, locking it from the inside so she can't come in and "attempt" an apology.

I sit down on my bed and burst into tears. Not because I just got slapped, but because of the shame of letting my life turn into this; of letting things get so bad. I was in an abusive relationship before with my ex-fiancée, Charlie. I let it get pretty bad before I ended it and I justified it by reminding myself that he had a mental illness and it wasn't his fault. But Rebecca has no excuse. She's just downright mean and heartless.

They say once you are with an abuser you will be again and I never believed that until now. I always told myself if I were in that situation again, I'd walk away before I let it get too bad. I always told myself I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

But now I think I _do _deserve it, so I put up with it, because I know Rebecca is right. No one else would want to be with me. Why would they? What do I have to offer anyone? She summed it up perfectly – I'm pathetic.

It's not as bad as I could be. She doesn't beat me – she just slaps me and grabs my arms and wrists tightly when I try to get away from her. I know it's still abuse but I tell myself it's okay because it hasn't gone any further. If it goes any further than I will be a _real _victim.

Even though deep down I already know I am one.

I bury my face in my pillow and cry for the live I used to have and the happiness I had inside me that's now replaced with constant sorrow and hurt. My heart has been ripped out and in its place there's a horrible emptiness inside me that will never be filled again.

Why does it hurt so much to be human?

I cry until I feel I have no more tears left, and then I just lay there clutching my pillow close to my body, desperately wishing I had someone to put in its place. What I wouldn't give to be loved by someone – real, _true _love, not the abusive, mooching artificial love that Rebecca shows me. I want hold someone I love and whom I know loves me just as much, and be held by them. I want to be kissed and touched and made to feel warm and special. I want to hear the words "I love you" and look into the warm eyes of the person who says it to me, knowing without a doubt that they truly mean it. That's what I want for my life. Not _this; _not crying alone in my bedroom after my uncaring girlfriend slaps me.

I finally manage to pull myself together. My cheek is still stinging, but I ignore it as I get up to retrieve my purse from my dresser. I dig through it until I find my wallet then I desperately search for my ATM card, hoping that Rebecca hadn't taken that too.

Luckily it's tucked safely in its rightful place in my wallet. I sit back down on my bed and sigh as I turn the card over and search for the phone number of the main branch of the bank on the back. I might as well call now and check my account balance, so I know what I'm in for tomorrow.

I'm just pulling my cell phone out of my pocket when something on the floor in front of my dresser catches my eye. It's a small piece of scrap paper. I pick it up and realize I'm staring at the neat, feminine handwriting of Alex Cabot. Her number is written out, with the word 'Alex' above it. I had forgotten I tucked it into my wallet.

Her words replay in my head. _"If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to call me."_

Had she _really _meant it? Her words were sincere…but were her actions as well? Did she simply give me her number out of politeness, and in hopes I'd never call her?

It's been nearly a week and she hasn't come back to the restaurant. She probably forgot all about me already. I'm sure her life is better and more exciting than mine. The last thing she wants to do is hear from the pathetic loser Casey Novak.

But I _do _need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I need someone who cares about me and doesn't seek to destroy my soul with their words. Of course I would never burden Alex with what's happening with Rebecca, but still…it would feel good to talk about other things.

My logical mind is screaming at me to toss Alex's number in the garbage and never think about it again. But I can't bring myself to do that. I keep seeing the compassionate look in her eyes when we sat in her car. It's been a long time since anyone has looked at me with compassion.

So I call her. I dial the number with shaking hands and press the phone to my ear, waiting with bated breath for Alex to answer. It rings once. Twice.

Just when I think it's going to go voicemail, Alex answers. "_Alexandra Cabot_."

I'm so shocked to hear her voice that at first I don't say anything. She asks if anyone is there and for a brief moment I contemplate hanging up. I'm already making a fool of myself. But somehow I find my courage and manage to say, "Alex? It's Casey Novak."

Her tone immediately turns cheerful. _"Oh hi, Casey. I was hoping you would call." _

Really? Is that true?

I clear my throat and swallow my nerves and decide I'd better start to sound like an intelligent, coherent person. "I'm sorry to bother you…I know you're probably busy…"

"_No," _she answers quickly. _"Just doing some paperwork for tomorrow. What's going on?"_

I wish I could tell her. It would feel so good to have it out there, to unburden myself. But I know I can't. Alex doesn't deserve to have to deal with it, and besides, we barely know each other.

I feel like such an idiot. She's probably rolling her eyes at my desperate tone, wanting to get off the phone with me. So I decide to make this brief. "I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer to talk? Maybe we could meet for lunch tomorrow? I have a late shift so I don't go in until five. Would that work for you?"

It's a moment before she answers and I fear she's thinking up an excuse to tell me, but to my surprise she says, "_Lunch would be good. I think I'll be free for an hour or so around one-thirty. Why don't we meet at that little coffee shop called Lucky's? It's a few blocks from the DA's office…you know it, right?"_

Of course. I used to go there almost daily back when I had a life. I nod, even though she can't see it through the phone. "Yes, that sounds great. One-thirty is fine."

"_Okay. I'll save your number in my phone and call or text you if I'm running late. Which is entirely possible," _she says with a laugh.

I wonder if she's back at the DA's office; if she got her ADA job back. I almost ask, but I manage to hold off. I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow. Maybe it will turn out to be a great get-to-know-you session.

As long as she doesn't ask about my bruises again.

I return her laugh. "It's okay; I understand. I'll be there. Thank you, Alex."

"_You're welcome. I look forward to it. See you tomorrow."_

We both hang up at the same time and I slide my phone into my pocket, realizing I'm smiling for the first time in what seems like years.

**So what do you think? Feel badly for Casey? The first two chapters were intended to highlight Casey's stage in life and her internal feelings. The next one will shed some light on what is going on with Alex. You'll learn a little about her life since she got out of witness protection. **

**Please review and let me know what you thought of this one! I did a lot of re-writing before I got it how I wanted it. And look for the first chapter of the sequel to "This Glassy Surface" to be up by this weekend.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow! I am impressed with the response to this story; glad so many people are enjoying it! Here is the third chapter - hope you like it!**

Alex is late. It's nearly one forty-five and she hasn't shown up at Lucky's yet. I received a text message from her a little after one-thirty saying she was ten minutes away and I'm so nervous about this meeting that I've ripped apart a paper napkin from the dispenser on the table. A million possibilities are going through my mind right now. What if this doesn't go well? What if Alex isn't as nice as she was at the restaurant? Or what if she asks about my bruises again?

I honestly I have no idea what we're going to talk about. Alex had said she had a free hour…does she intend to spend the whole hour with me? If so, how in the world will we fill that hour? We know about each other as people. It's going to be awkward and painful.

Despite being incredibly anxious, I'm also looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone other than Rebecca or people at work or the high school kids I tutor. I'm going to be sitting across the table from an intelligent human being…and conversing with her.

That simple thought makes my insecurities flare right back up. This is going to be a disaster. Yes I do consider myself intelligent, but I could never aspire to meet Alex Cabot's level of intellect. She's so confident and sure about herself, and so full of poise and grace. I'm going to look like a bumbling idiot compared to her. I hope I'm able to utter halfway coherent words in her magnificent presence.

I didn't tell Rebecca about my lunch with Alex. She was already gone by the time I came out of my room last night, and I haven't seen or heard from her today. Maybe this is one of the two days she works this week. She knows I don't work until this evening and if she knows I'm out right now, I'll have to think of an excuse to tell her. I can't say I'm having lunch with a possible 'friend'; especially a female friend. That's not allowed. I'll have to tell her I was looking for a second job. She'll like that one.

From the booth where I'm sitting, I can see the face of everyone who enters the café. Every time the door opens, I look to see if it's Alex and I'm actually relieved when it isn't. That means the hour is ticking away and I'm being spared awkwardness and embarrassment. Or maybe she decided not to show up at all. Maybe I'll get another text message saying she changed her mind.

But then she enters. Her eyes quickly scan the booths, and when they fall on me she smiles and starts heading in my direction. It's almost like time stops and she walks towards me in slow motion. Her long blonde hair is flowing perfectly down her shoulders and her blue eyes are shining from behind her black-rimmed glasses. She's dressed completely professionally; in a black pantsuit with a white blouse underneath. As she gets closer to the table, I can smell the scent of a very floral perfume.

Now I'm intimidated in a different way – Alex Cabot is beautiful. It's not just her striking good looks, but also the overall way she holds herself. Every step she takes from the door to the booth just exudes confidence and attitude. Her presence is so impressive that I'm surprised the fellow café patrons don't all get down and kneel before Her Greatness.

Alex is standing right beside the booth now and she greets me in a friendly manner. "Glad you could make it, Casey." She drops her leather purse down in the booth and slides in beside it, and all I can do is nod. I'm too stunned to say anything.

No one has captivated me like this before. And I don't understand why; it's not like I'm seeing Alex for the first time. I thought she was beautiful the first time I met her. But there's something…different about her this time. Something warmer and softer.

She tucks a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear and casually picks up a menu off the table and opens it. "I think I want to try something different today….I always get the same thing."

I snap myself out of my daze and copy her motions. I can't believe she's acting so casually; as if we're just two lifelong friends out to lunch.

She's still studying the menu and I clear my throat awkwardly and say, "I haven't been here in a while, actually. The menu looks a little different than the last time I was here."

She looks at me over the top of her menu and smiles. "Try the Caesar salad. It's great. Unless you're not a salad girl?"

Her blue eyes are mesmerizing. I've never seen such blue eyes on anyone before. I look into them and return her smile. "No, I'm not really a salad girl…more of a greasy burger type girl." My anxiousness flares up and I feel the need to crack a joke to break the ice. "Which explains why I don't look like you."

Alex looks up from her menu again and momentarily studies me. When she puts her eyes back on the menu, she says, "You look fine to me."

I don't know how to respond to that comment…so I don't. I immediately avert my eyes back to my own menu and pretend to be studying it intently.

A few minutes later a well-groomed young man approaches the table. Before I get a chance to look up and see him, he recognizes me. "Casey! Hi!"

I snap my head up and discover that it's Chris Henderson, one of the high school kids I tutor. I give him a smile. "Hey, Chris. I didn't know you worked here. You've never mentioned it."

"I just started a few days ago," he tells me. "Saving up for that car, you know?"

I do understand. Chris comes from a very poor family but is hard working and driven in his studies. I tutor him in English. He has difficulty with proper grammar and punctuation. He just turned sixteen and has been anxiously awaiting his first car. I hope it will give him a sense of freedom and pride when he finally gets it. Chris is a smart kid and I believe he will go places.

We do a very short catch-up session and I let Chris know I will be at his house next Wednesday for his weekly session. Then he takes our orders; Alex gets the Caesar salad and I opt for my old standby – a nice greasy cheeseburger.

As soon as Chris has hurried away, Alex turns her attention to me. "Nice kid. What do you do at his house?"

"I tutor him in English. He's so smart, but has problems putting his thoughts into words and using the correct grammar. I've been working with him for a while."

Alex seems impressed. She's about to say something when Chris brings our drinks by. She unwraps her straw and plunges it into her Diet Coke before addressing me. "So you tutor too? In the evenings?"

I take a drink of my Sprite and then say, "Not all the time. I just have three students I see on a regular basis for two hours once a week."

"Wow. What subjects? Do you make money doing that?"

"I do it for free. A lot of parents can't afford tutors and I enjoy helping out. I tutor Chris in English and Taylor in history and science, and William also in science. Any subject except for math – I'm pretty dreadful at math."

Alex laughs at that statement. She has a very nice laugh; it's light and airy, and very feminine. Not obnoxiously loud or overbearing. "I am too. I've always hated it. It's some of the most useless stuff on earth unless you're a chemist accountant. I thank God every day for the calculator app on my iPhone."

"Me too," I tell her. "Except I have an Android phone. But same thing. I use the calculator app a lot."

A small awkward silence befalls us but before I can form a question, Alex offers one. "I'm really impressed that you do tutoring for free. Not a lot of people would volunteer their time like that. It's really nice, Casey."

I feel myself blushing. I'm not paid compliments often and I don't know how to react to them. They embarrass me more than anything. I can't look at her as I say the words, "Thank you."

It's so strange; I had been so anxious coming into this meeting. Afraid of saying the wrong thing or appearing dumb and inferior to Alex. And I had been intimidated by her when she strolled over to the table. But now? Now she's not so scary. She's speaking to me as if I'm her equal, and as if she really does care about what she's asking me.

We make small talk for a while, about the weather and the city. Alex is being very polite not to bring up my censure, and I'm being very careful not to bring up her time in witness protection. Those are open wounds we don't need to rub salt in, and we both know it.

And the curiosity gets the best of me and I have to ask, "Are you back at the DA's office?"

By now our food has arrived and Alex swallows her bite of salad before answering me. "Yes. But not as an ADA. I'm serving as Bureau Chief for the Appeals department."

Wow. That's quite impressive. I don't even try and hide my awe. "Wow…that's great. How long have you been doing that?"

"A little over a year," she tells me. And then her expression grows thoughtful and she adds, "I started right after I got released from witness protection and became 'me' again."

I desperately want to know how she dealt with coming back to the city. It's no different than what I am dealing with, in retrospect. But I know I can't ask her. Alex is a private person and she'll shy away if I try to get too personal with her.

So imagine my surprise when Alex offers up some very personal information.

She sits her fork down and actually pushes the plate away from herself. She looks up and meets my eyes. "Casey…I know you're probably wondering why I came back to the restaurant and why I gave you my number. I know it seems…unlike me."

I decide to be completely honest with Alex. "To tell you the truth, yes I am curious. And I never knew you that well, Alex, but it does seem a little out of character for you to want to befriend me…"

She smiles and nods, as if she had been anticipating that answer. Then she takes a deep breath and starts talking, "Before any of this happened – before I was shot or went into witness protection – I was the definition of cold and uncaring on the outside. They didn't call me the Ice Queen for nothing. I'd do anything within legality to win a case and had a very low tolerance for a non-cooperative attitude. I would feel compassion for the victims and I'd be aware that I was pushing some of them too far, but I kept it all inside and did my job. I figured I was a prosecutor; work during the day and cry at night. I was raised to be this independent professional woman and I always pushed myself hard in life. And when I became ADA I pushed myself harder than I ever had. I had a lot riding on my shoulders, a lot of eyes on me and a name and reputation to uphold and do justice to. I took myself way too seriously. For almost four years my life consisted of virtually nothing but work. Work during the night, catch up in the evenings, sleep, get up and do it all over again. Weekends didn't exist. Like I told you the other night; I thought I was super human. I thought no one would ever get the best of me." She stops talking and lowers her eyes to the table top. "And then they did."

I can see how difficult this is for her. She's becoming very emotional and I almost tell her to stop, but I don't. She's the one who started this conversation; she must _want _to talk about it. So I do what a good potential friend would do. I sit back and listen without judgment.

Alex takes a moment to compose herself. I can tell she's trying very hard not to cry and I feel my heart actually ache for her. I know what she's talking about. I know how it feels to lose everything that is important to you.

Alex takes another deep breath and somehow finds the strength to go on. "And like I told you, Casey, living in Wisconsin as a different person was the worst thing I've ever been through. I hated myself, because I blamed no one but me for putting myself there. I actually blamed myself more than the man who shot me, for the longest time. Because I knew it had been my fault. Everyone tried to warn me something like that would happen…but I was too bull-headed to listen to them. I thought Alex Cabot was invincible. I learned a valuable lesson the night I was shot; it changed everything for me. When I was living as Emily, every year on my real birthday I'd sit alone in my apartment with a small cake for one and cry because no one was there to celebrate with me. I didn't get cards from friends or family…because Alex was dead. It was like I was invisible. My mom died while I was Emily. Agent Hammond notified me right after it happened. I couldn't even go to her funeral."

She has tears in her eyes now and I quickly grab a napkin from the dispenser on the table and hand it to her. I'm aching so badly for her right now that all I want to do is hug her and make her feel better. But instead I say, "I'm so, so sorry, Alex," as she dabs at her eyes with the napkin. "I can't imagine how hard that must have been."

She dabs at her eyes a few more times and manages a small uneasy smile. She seems to have trouble making eye contact with me now that she has broken down, but does it anyway. "Thank you. I'm so sorry for losing it like that…"

I shake my head. "Don't be sorry at all. I understand."

She pulls herself together and goes on. "It was a really dark time for me. I had a life in Wisconsin, but it wasn't the life I wanted. I missed the city. The bustle, the lights…even the stupidity. I missed my friends and family. I made friends there and casually dated, but never connected with anyone on a deep level. And then I received word that Zapata had died in prison. Before that Liam Connors was deported to Ireland, so I was informed that I would be getting out of the witness protection program and given a choice to keep the identity assigned to me or to return home. I chose to return home."

That is quite a story. I can't even begin to imagine living through that, and then returning home afterwards. How was she able to do it? How did she become Alex again?

She's paused momentarily and I feel it's an appropriate time to venture a question, so I do. "How hard was it to come back? How did you ease back into being Alex again?"

"Ease back into being Alex?" She laughs a little. "I didn't 'ease' back into it at all. It was so hard…maybe even harder than living as Emily."

I frown. I can't imagine anything harder than having to be someone you're not. "How so?"

"Because even though I was Alex again, I still didn't feel like myself. I felt exposed and vulnerable. For the longest time I looked over my shoulder when I went anywhere, paranoid that someone was following me. In Wisconsin I had constant protection…here I was in the open; an easy target in the most dangerous city in the United States. I was scared, Casey; and you should know that the former Alex Cabot _never _got scared. I went to work as Bureau Chief almost right away. The position was available, so I took it. Getting back to work helped. I was still scared, but had something to occupy my time at least."

"I'll bet Olivia and Elliot were thrilled to see you again," I tell her, wearing a smile.

She looks away from me, as if ashamed. "They…they don't know I'm back."

I'm shocked by that revelation. I would have thought that Alex would have contacted them right away and they would have thrown a party. I can't believe she would keep it a secret from them…especially knowing how much they cared about her.

"You never told them you were back? Do they even know you are out of witness protection?"

"I don't know," she answers. "I'm not sure if they were told. But they certainly don't know I'm back. I have tried so many times to call them…but I can't. I keep remembering that night and knowing that they were both there and saw it…and picturing the looks on their faces when I left them to become Emily." She tears up again and looks away, shaking her head. "I can't do it. I'm not strong enough yet."

I smile sympathetically at her and take a big chance, reaching across the table and covering her hand with mine. She allows the contact. "Things will get better. Just tell them when you are ready."

She meets my gaze again and nods knowingly. "I know." I release her hand, but she grabs mine again and squeezes. "And the same goes for you, Casey. Things will get better for you too. That's why I told you this story."

I look away from her. "I don't know, Alex…I screwed up so badly…"

"So did I. Look what happened to me. But I lived through it, Casey. It was harder than hell – I think maybe it _was_ hell, but I made it. You made a mistake, yes, but that mistake doesn't have to define who you are for the rest of your life. You did what you did with the best intentions…to put a guilty man behind bars. You paid the ultimate price for your mistake. You're still paying for it every day, aren't you?"

I nod, staring at the table top. I can't bear to look at her. I was okay when she was the topic of conversation, but now that it's me…I can't deal with it. I'm deeply ashamed of what I have done. I don't deserve Alex's sympathies.

"You are a very smart woman, Casey. I've seen your conviction record. You made one mistake, but you're going to bounce back from it because that's who you are. Life is challenging right now, but it won't always be. I realize I don't know you personally yet, but I know enough about you to say with certainty that you're going to survive. I see a fire in your eyes struggling to stay lit. Don't let it burn out."

Too late; it already has. My past and Rebecca have ripped what little spirit I had left in me away. I'm an empty shell of who I used to be. No longer Casey Novak; in the same way that Alex wasn't Alex.

"I was telling the truth when I told you that I've been where you are," Alex goes on. I slowly look up to meet her warm gaze. "I know exactly how you feel. Disappointed and angry with yourself, and with life. Depressed and lonely. I know it, Casey; I've experienced it too. It's awful. I lost everything in the same way you have lost everything too." She pauses and then asks, "Do you have anyone in your life? Are you dating anyone? Any good friends?

I have to look away when I answer her. "Friends, no. Acquaintances, but no friends. Since my censure, none of my former friends really knew what to say to me so they stopped calling or visiting all together. And as far as dating someone…" I battle with telling her. I don't want to lie to her, but I don't want her to know the dynamics of my relationship either. So I keep it simple. "I am dating someone…but it isn't serious."

She smiles at that. "What's he like?".

I force myself to look at her again. She's going to bolt when I tell her there's no 'he'; I know it. "Actually, it's a she. Her name is Rebecca. And like I said, it's not serious."

Alex doesn't seem at all fazed with the revelation to my partner is a woman. She nods and doesn't pursue the topic any further. I think she can sense I am uncomfortable with it.

"I have no one in my life either. I've dated here and there, but nothing major. And truth be told, I didn't make friends easily. I wasn't exactly the warmest person…as you discovered years ago on Connors' case," she says with a light laugh.

I remember the incident in my office very vividly, but I don't seek to make her feel bad. "It's okay; I already told you I understood about that."

"Well, I'm still sorry. I should have been nicer and more respectful to you. I apologize."

I see the sincerity in her eyes and nod, accepting her apology. "What you did was very brave, Alex. Coming back to testify against Connors the way you did…it was completely selfless. You did it keep Elliot and Olivia out of trouble, and to make sure Connors was charged appropriately and faced justice. It must have been scary for you in that courtroom. I was really impressed by your strength…and your prosecuting abilities. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you that."

She smiles at me. "Thank you, Casey. That means a lot. So can you see I told you all this for a reason? My experience changed me completely. It changed who I am and my approach to life. I've grown more compassionate on the outside as well as the inside. I've learned not to judge too easily and to lend an ear or a hand whenever I can. I'm a much softer person now." She smiles widely. "I never thought I could describe myself that way! But that's the reason I came to you, Casey. I saw where you were in life. When I saw you at that restaurant, I could read the despair and hopelessness in your eyes and I recognized it and sympathized with it. I felt your pain. I thought about you all day and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't talk to you. I wanted you to hear about my experience and how it affected me so you can know that it's not hopeless. That it _will _get better, and there people out there who care to be your friend if you let them. You have so much to offer, Casey; look what you're doing with the tutoring. You are a valuable person."

I'm nearly in tears now. I can't remember the last time anyone said such nice things about me. Not even my family has talked to me in this way; and Alex is practically a stranger!

I wish I could tell her that there is no hope for me. That I barely hang on day by day and that my girlfriend breaks my spirit a little more with every harsh word and every bruise she puts on my body. I wish I could let her know that I'm a losing battle.

But it's not what she needs to hear. She took time out of her busy schedule to give me a much needed pep talk and there's no way I'm going to drag her down with my personal drama.

But I do let myself say sadly, "It just hurts every day."

Alex smiles sympathetically. "I know, Casey. It will. It takes time to let up. But you have to let people into your life to help you. You have to talk to people. You can't keep everything bottled up inside. Do you talk to Rebecca about your feelings?"

I raise my head and meet Alex's eyes again. Hearing her name makes me uneasy. "Rebecca doesn't care if – " I stop myself midsentence and back track. "I just mean, I can't talk to her. And I don't like to discuss my girlfriend."

Alex stares at me for nearly a full minute. She's scrutinizing me and I'm positive she can tell I'm hiding something. She's a good lawyer and I'm a lousy liar.

I look away from her again as she continues speaking. "You can call me any time, Casey. Day or night; my phone works twenty four hours a day. If you need to talk or if you want to get away, just call. I'll be your friend if you let me."

I finally let my eyes fill with tears as I look back up at her. "Why? Just because you know what I'm going through doesn't obligate you to be my friend."

"I know it doesn't. But I need one too; just as badly as you do. We've traveled the same road, Casey. We can help each other."

I let her words sink in. I really _do _need a friend. I long for companionship; _real _companionship, not the abusive kind I receive from Rebecca. I need someone warm and caring and understanding in my life. And it sounds like Alex needs the same thing.

"So…I have your number and you have mine. Why don't we make a deal?" Alex proposes, catching my attention and causing me to look at her again. "I'll put an offer on the table and you tell me what you think?" I nod, so she continues. "You can me when you need to talk, and I'll call you when I need to talk. We'll check in on each other every couple of days. Is that acceptable?"

I meet her warm gaze once again and say, "Yes. I like that. I'll take that deal."

I feel my overall attitude brightening. This didn't go at all like I thought. Alex legitimately wants to be my friend. She passed no judgment on me and expects nothing from me except my friendship in return…which I can give to her.

Alex looks at her watch and then pulls out her cell phone. I see her scrolling through what I assume is her day planner. "I do have to get back to the office…let's get the bill. It's my treat."

I wave Chris over to let him know we're ready to go, and when he gives us the bill I reach for it because Alex has a chance to. "No. Please let me pay. It's the least I could do. Please."

"Casey…"

"Alex…_please," _I practically beg. I can see she's relenting. "It would mean so much to me to pay…please."

"Okay," she says, accepting defeat. She types something into her phone and then sets it down. "But next time I'm paying."

I smile. Next time. I like that.

I tuck my debit card into the card holder and place it on the edge of the table. Chris quickly comes by to pick it up and Alex and I start gathering our belongings as Chris is cashing us out.

"Thank you, Alex," I tell her. "Life is tough for me, but you _did _make me feel better.

She smiles. "Good. I wanted to."

Chris returns, but instead of sitting the card receipt in front of me and awaiting my signature, he stands uneasily beside the table. "Casey…the card was declined. I'm sorry. Do you have another?"

I feel my heart drop and my face growing red in embarrassment. I swallow harshly. "No, I don't have anymore…why was it declined?"

"Insufficient funds."

Now my face is burning crimson red as I desperately search through my wallet for cash. My hands are shaking and I'm fumbling. "I'm sorry….I might have some cash…"

And suddenly Alex speaks up. "It's okay; I've got this." I watch as she hands Chris her own card and as he hurries away, she looks at me with compassion. "It's no problem. You'll just be the one who gets it next time, okay?"

I can't even bring myself to look at her. I want to burst into tears; I'm beyond humiliated. I thought I had taken care of the overdraft fee that Rebecca caused this morning. I paid the fee and moved money over from my meager checking account. How could I be overdrawn again already?

I don't say anything as I watch Alex sign her credit card receipt and toss a few bills on the table for a tip. She's smiling as she rises, as if nothing is wrong at all. "You ready to go? You need a ride?"

"No; I'm okay taking a cab. It's out of your way. And thanks for covering lunch. I am so sorry," I finally manage to say, my voice small and full of shame.

She places her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. That's what friends are for." She gives my shoulder a squeeze. "And Casey? Please don't be afraid to confide in me…if there's something you want or need to tell me…I'm here. Okay?"

I look down at the floor and nod. She's being so nice…I can't look at her and lie and say everything is just peachy and wonderful.

We walk outside together and before we part ways, Alex has something else to say. "I'll call you in a day or two. If anything comes up before then, just call me. And I'll do the same."

And then to my immense surprise, she hugs me. Alex Cabot hugs me. I've never seen Alex hug _anyone. _And it feels good. Wonderful, even. It's not an artificial hug, like the kind I get from Rebecca when she's apologizing for hitting me again or stealing from me for the millionth time. It's a _real _hug, with real genuine concern and emotion behind it.

When we break apart, I look at Alex with a smile and thank her. She has no idea how that makes me feel; mere words couldn't adequately describe it.

She leaves me with, "Hang in there, Casey," and a smile before she turns and walks towards her car.

**So...what did you think? With this chapter I meant to establish where Alex is in life and convey that they both need someone. Hope I accomplished that! Next update will be soon, as well as an update to my other story. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks so much for the wonderful reception to this story! I am honored to have such loyal readers and good reviews already. Thank you! Here is the fourth chapter - enjoy!**

"Can you tell me what charges overdrew my account? I just came in this morning and paid the fees from the last time…"

The bank teller – a middle-aged African American woman who looks like she's on her last bit of patience – gives me a strange look, as if she's saying to herself, 'The _last _time? What an irresponsible woman.' But she says nothing and types my account information into the computer.

"It looks like a one-hundred twenty dollar purchase from an online store… . It looks like the payment was pending and was taken out this afternoon. Usually the online merchants hold a payment until it's shipped. So I'd say the order probably shipped this afternoon and that's why you were charged."

I run my hands through my hair in frustration. I should have guessed that. Rebecca has ordered from before. She uses my account, which has my debit card information stored in it. What the hell did she order this time that's one-hundred and twenty dollars?

"My girlfriend made the purchase without my permission," I quickly tell the teller. "Is there any way to cancel it?"

"You'd have to contact customer service at , but I don't think you could cancel after it's been shipped. If it was an unauthorized purchase, you can file a fraud claim here at the bank. Did she steal your debit card?"

"No…she uses my account. It has my debit card information stored in it."

"Did you give her access to your account?"

"Yes; but only once," I tell her.

The teller frowns. "Then I'm sorry; but there's nothing we can do. If you card was stolen and used then we could file…but if you gave her access to your account, that doesn't fall under the category of fraud."

"Why not? I did not give her permission to use it again!" I'm getting worked up now. I'm upset and on the verge of tears. "Please. There has to be something you can do."

"I'm sure you'd be able to return to the item to for a refund, but until them I am afraid you're responsible for the one-hundred twenty dollar purchase, as well as the overdraft fee."

This is humiliating. Utterly and completely humiliating. It almost equals the day I walked out of my office carrying a box containing my belongings and had to endure that awful walk down the hall towards the elevator with the eyes of everyone at the DA's office on me….and Kim Greylek's triumphant stare at my back as I walked out in shame.

There is a small line behind me at the counter and I can sense the mall right behind me sighing and shifting impatiently. Great. So I have an audience to witness this humiliation.

"I can't pay that right now," I tell the teller, keeping my voice low. "I don't get my next paycheck until Friday. I already spent over a hundred dollars here this morning. I – I can't afford it right now."

I get no sympathy from the teller whatsoever. She merely looks at her computer again and sighs. "I'm sorry, Miss Novak. But there will be an additional twenty-five dollar charge per day until it's paid."

I want to cry. I want to fall onto my knees and sob at the injustice of this whole situation. I am trying _so _hard to make my life better…I can't imagine how I could try any harder. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does the person who is supposed to love me inflict so much pain on me?

I wish I could call Alex. I wish I could tell her what's happening and have her tell me it will be okay and come up with a way for me to get out of this awful situation with that genius mind of hers. I wish she was here right now. I could use another one of those hugs right now.

But I know I will never tell her. I want to be Alex's friend; I don't want to frighten her away. I need someone to talk to about things in my life, but I can't tell her everything. If I tell her about Rebecca's abuse or my money problems, it will send her screaming in the other direction. She has problems of her own; the last thing she wants is to deal with a new friend's drama.

My lunch with her made me feel better – as much as it could, anyway. Hearing her words and story and knowing I'm not alone really lifted my spirits and made me feel less worthless. Until I tried to pay the bill, anyway.

"But that's three days away," I say, "and that's almost a hundred dollars just for the fee. I have checks out there that really can't bounce; including my rent check. There's nothing you can do? Nothing?"

She shakes her head, obviously anxious to get rid of me. I can see her eyeing the man behind me in line, but I don't step away from the counter yet. I'm not finished.

I'm trying really hard to not break down. I know I'm in trouble. When I paid the first set of fees this morning it was barely enough to cover my checks and now that I'm overdrawn again and will be for three more days, that means my checks will bounce unless I come up with the money I need today; which is impossible.

How did my life come to this?

I sigh in frustration and anger and fish my debit card out of my purse. I drop it down on the counter. "Okay. Then I want you to cancel this card."

The teller looks from the card up to me. "Miss Novak, you'll still be responsible for the fees – "

"I realize that," I tell her. "But I want this cancelled so this doesn't happen again."

"There's a toll free number on the back. That's our main branch. You can call them and – "

"_No,_" I say in pure frustration, using a tone that used to only be reserved for the courtroom. I lock eyes with the teller to let her know how serious I am. "I'm not calling any number and spending an hour on an automated number. _You're _going to cancel this card. Now. It's the same bank; what does it matter if you do it or someone at the main branch does it? I want that card cancelled before I walk back out those doors."

This time the man in line behind me sighs loudly and mutters, "Come on!" under his breath but I pay him no attention. I don't care how annoyed anyone is with me; I'm not leaving until Rebecca's personal piggy bank is destroyed.

I'm going to pay for this. I know it. But I have no choice. I can't make money appear out of thin air, and Rebecca certainly isn't going to pay me back. What other options do I have?

The teller gives me one last frustrated look and picks up my card. "I'll have my supervisor deal with it; please hold on." I nod as she disappears into a back room. Almost out of nowhere, another teller approaches and opens the window on the other side of me. Mr. Impatient gives me a nasty look before he makes his way over there to be helped.

About five minutes later the teller returns with my card. "The card has been deactivated. Would you like to order another one?"

"No; I have a separate card for the ATM. I have no need for another debit card right now. Can you please destroy that for me? Thank you."

As I leave the bank and hail a taxi. When I get home, I'm calling and cancelling my cable and internet. It's an added expense I don't need.

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I climb in the taxi. Rebecca loves my cable and internet…and she loved my debit card.

My actions are not going to have good results.

* * *

The next morning I am awakened a little before nine AM by Rebecca running into my bedroom and screaming at me. She pulls my comforter off me and that action combined with her angry tone snaps right out of my slumber.

"What the hell did you do?" Rebecca asks, trying to remain calm. I sit up in bed and she doesn't even give me a minute before she's yelling again. "I came over here to get some work done online and your internet isn't working! And when I called to report the problem, they said the service has been cancelled! How could you do that, Casey? You know I don't have internet at my apartment!"

I'm slow to react only because I'm still groggy. Getting screamed at first thing in the morning is not my favorite thing in the world. "I can't afford it anymore, Rebecca. I'm sorry. I guess you're going to have to get it at your apartment or go to an internet café."

Rebecca isn't impressed by that. "Did you get rid of the cable too? What the hell are we supposed to do when I come over? You never take me out…all we did was watch TV. If you got rid of cable, now what?"

_Now you don't come over anymore. You leave my apartment and leave me alone. Get out of my life and stay there. Go make someone else miserable. Use someone else and their money. I'm done._

That's what I want to say. But what I actually come out with is, "I'm sorry. But you bought something on that overdrew my account again. I had just paid fees from the last time. So I got rid of my debit card too. You can't use it anymore. It causes me too much financial headache." I glance at my alarm clock again. "I have to get up and get ready for work."

That enrages Rebecca. I get up off the bed and she grabs me roughly by my wrist, holding me in place by squeezing my wrist with such force that I'm afraid she's going to break it. I try to pull my wrist away, but she holds it in place.

"Are you stupid, Casey?" she practically screams right in my ear. I try to ignore her and get away again, but that makes her squeeze me even more.

She's hurting me now and I use my free hand to try and pry hers off my wrist. "Rebecca…please. You're hurting me…"

"How could you do something so stupid?" she yells, jerking me by the arm. If I hadn't been expecting it and it had taken me by surprise, she would have broken my arm, without a doubt.

"Rebecca! Stop!" I yell back, trying to loosen her hand again. I can feel myself becoming very upset and I'm about to lose control of what I say. "I had to do it! You wouldn't stop spending my money! I don't make a lot of money, Rebecca! I can barely pay my bills…you don't understand that. You think you can have whatever is mine, but you can't. I have to go take out a payday loan during my lunch today just to pay the bank fees that I incurred because of you! You're the one who did something stupid, not me!"

Before I can react, Rebecca slams my back against the wall, holding me there angrily. I'm too stunned to try and get away; she's never done this before. She's got a hold of the front of my shirt and as I look into her eyes and all I see is anger.

"You don't talk to me like that," she says slowly from between clenched teeth. "I've done nothing but try in this relationship. All you do is mope around your apartment feeling sorry for yourself. Everything you're going through is because of you, and no one else. You could afford cable and internet and a car if you hadn't screwed up, Casey. You're so worthless and pathetic. Why don't you just give up on life? You're not any good at it. You're just human garbage, Casey. And you brought it on yourself."

Normally her harsh words would make me break down in tears and apologize for how worthless I am and thank Rebecca for putting up with me. But in that moment I think of Alex and what she's been through in her life. I think of her as Emily, a complete stranger to herself, and how she lived through that and never gave up just so she could come home and be herself again. She's such a strong person. If she could survive what she did, I can survive this. Maybe I can be myself again too. Maybe the old Casey Novak is still inside me somewhere; the one who was tough and wouldn't back down from anyone. The old Casey that would never put up with this abuse.

"Do you have something to say, Casey?" Rebecca demands, pushing me harder against the wall.

My brain has formed the words I want to say to defend myself and tell Rebecca I'm done with her…but I can't move them past my lips. They refuse to be spoken. Because I know that as much as Rebecca is at fault for what she is doing, I am at fault too for putting up with it and getting myself into this situation.

I'm not as strong as Alex. I never will be. The ache that permanently resides in me will never go away. It's an ache of hurt and shame for my life and it grows even stronger each day.

I close my eyes and shake my head, and in pure shame I manage to whisper, "No; I have nothing to say."

Rebecca is silent for a moment and I expect her to let me go. But when I pop my eyes back open she's still staring at me with that angry and hateful look. She tightens her grip on me and asks, "Where were you yesterday afternoon? You weren't at work."

Yesterday afternoon…when I was with Alex.

My stomach tightens as the horrible thought that Rebecca somehow knows grips me. Did she follow me? Did someone see me there?

"I – I had some errands to run. And I was looking for a second job," I tell her. I'm not able to make contact eye. I'm an awful liar, and Rebecca would pick up on it immediately. "I was only gone for a few hours."

Her eyes flash and she tightens her grip on me even more. My back is actually aching from being pressed so tightly against the wall. "I think you're lying," she spits out.

I swallow harshly and force myself to look in her eyes. Then I say in the most convincing voice I can, "I'm not lying."

Rebecca stares me down for several seconds. Then to my surprise, she releases me. I straighten my shirt and move to get away from her, when she slaps me across the face again – harder than before.

I nearly stumble in surprise, but I manage to barely hold myself up. The entire right side of my face is stinging and my eye is burning and watering. I place my hand on my face and look accusingly at Rebecca.

She shows no remorse whatsoever. The only words she says to me are, "Don't lie to me again, Casey," before leaving my bedroom. I hear her footsteps get further and further away until I hear the front door slam. She's left the apartment.

I can taste blood in my mouth, and when I get to my bathroom I discover that Rebecca's slap split open my lip on the right side. I can barely keep my right eye open and it's red and still stinging. I immediately wet a washcloth and wipe the blood off my lip, but it just bleeds again. It's already swollen and I get the metallic taste of blood when I run my tongue over my lip.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to hold myself together, but I can't. My situation is getting worse every day. Rebecca is now putting marks on me that I can't hide. I have to go to work like this and face the questioning looks of my co-workers.

I must have done something really bad in a former life to deserve the horrible one I'm living right now.

* * *

I barely make it through my shift at work. My eye stops stinging but the vision stays blurry for most of the day and the eye is red and irritated.

My lip is swollen around the split and it's pretty apparent that I was hit, but miraculously no one at work asks about it. Maybe they don't notice…or maybe they don't care.

It's a very busy day. A shipment comes in today so I spend a good majority of my shift in the walk-in cooler putting away the load and taking inventory for our next order. This is usually my boss' job, but he assigned it to me today. I don't mind. Any time I can get out of waiting tables is okay with me. And being busy and concentrating on my work takes my mind off what is going on in my personal life.

I'm about halfway done with the load when Brad comes into the walk-in and tells me I have a visitor. My stomach clenches immediately; it's probably Rebecca. She's probably come to act like a loving girlfriend in front of my co-workers and give me an artificial apology for the incident at my apartment this morning.

My nose is running from working in the coldness of the cooler as I walk through the back of the restaurant towards the front. Real attractive, Casey.

My visitor comes into view as soon as I get to the front of the restaurant – and I stop dead in my tracks.

It's not Rebecca. It's Alex.

She's seated at the front booth, texting someone on her cell phone. She's dressed down casually, in a pair of blue jeans and a pink blouse. The sight of her in anything other than a suit literally shocks me. I didn't know she was able to dress casually.

Then I remember my eye and my lip. Alex will notice immediately, and she won't buy the flimsy excuse I've made up in my mind. She's going to demand to know what happened and I'm going to have trouble lying to her.

So I know I have to get out of here before she sees me. I'll run to the back and tell Brad to lie to Alex and tell her I left early. I can't face her right now. Not today; not while I look like this.

I'm about to turn on my heel and bolt from the dining area when Alex looks up from her phone. Her blue eyes fall on me from behind her glasses, and she waves and smiles warmly.

I feel panic pulsate through my body. She's seen me. I can't run away now. I can't tell her I'm too busy to talk to her. So I make my feet take me over to the booth where she's sitting. Her smile is so kind and happy…it's going to kill me to lie to her.

I stand awkwardly by the booth, trying to keep my left side to Alex so she doesn't see my lip or my eye. But it's too late; she saw them when I was walking towards her.

"Casey," Alex says, her voice full of concern. She stands up and reaches out to touch the side of my face, and I instinctively flinch away from her. She notices and her eyes widen in worry. "Casey…what happened?"

Her voice is soft and gentle and filled with genuine concern, but I still can't tell her the truth. It takes everything I have inside me to look at her with a forced smile and make myself say, "I ran into the door of the walk-in cooler while it was being opened from the other side." I add a small light laugh just for effect. "Nice, huh?"

I can tell she doesn't believe me. She's staring right into my eyes, her blue orbs burning into my green ones. She's trying to come up with the right words to say but seemingly gives up and instead says – barely above a whisper – "Casey, sit down. Please. I'll only take a moment of your time."

I swallow harshly and fall into the seat across from her. I can't bring myself to meet her eyes again. I'm too ashamed of lying to her. I grab a napkin from the dispenser and go to work shredding it as Alex puts me in her gaze again. I'm completely clammed up. This will be easier if I limit what I say, and I know it.

Suddenly Alex's hand comes out and covers mine, forcing me to cease the destruction of the innocent napkin. The innocent touch that I welcomed just a couple days ago frightens me now, and I pull my hand away from her much too quickly and fold my hands together in my lap.

I'm right back to feeling uncomfortable and inferior to her.

"Casey," Alex says again, her voice still soft and gentle. She pauses, and I can feel her eyes on me even though I'm not looking at her. She makes no further attempt to touch me. "What time are you off work?"

"Two hours," I answer automatically, as if I'm programmed to spew answers without thinking about them.

"Do you have tutoring tonight?"

"No."

I hear her shift her weight in her seat and I finally bring myself to look at her. She gives me a small easy smile and says, "I'm free tonight…do you want to come over to my apartment and talk? Or we could go out somewhere if you wanted. Go for a walk, to dinner…whatever you want."

In that instant – with Alex's kind invitation – I fall apart. All the events and stress of the day comes down on top of me and I can't hold myself together any more. I burst into tears; the awful body-wracking kind that force me to put my head down on the table in shame.

"Oh, Casey…" I hear Alex's kind sympathetic voice again. Seconds later, I feel someone slide into the booth next to me. Without even looking up I know it's Alex; her sweet perfume is a dead giveaway. She hesitates a moment and then puts her arm around me, rubbing my back gently. I nearly pull away from her, but I force myself to stay put because her comfort feels nice.

I'm beyond embarrassed. Here I am supposed to be working and instead I'm bawling my eyes out at a table in the dining room with Alex Cabot comforting me. What is _wrong_ with me?

Alex keeps her arm around me and continues gently rubbing my back until I manage to lift my head off the table. I'm too ashamed to look at her so I just stare straight ahead, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "I – I'm sorry…" I tell her. "Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay," she announces, reaching over and handing me a napkin from the dispenser on the table. She makes no attempt to remove her arm from my back. "I understand. I've been there, remember?"

I nod as I blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I _do _remember, and I know Alex has suffered just as I am. She understands sorrow and shame. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand allowing someone to abuse you in every way possible. I'm pretty sure I'm alone in that.

Alex gives me a few minutes to pull myself together before making a suggestion. "I'll tell you what. Go talk to your boss and see if you can get out early. I think you're a little too emotional to work right now. We'll go get a pizza and go back to my apartment. We can watch a movie or just talk. How does that's sound?"

It sounds wonderful. It sounds like everything I have always wanted. Someone to care about me and a safe place to go where I'm not going to be hurt or belittled. I want desperately to go with Alex…but is it fair to her? Does she deserve to have to take on an emotionally damaged individual like me?

Against every logical instinct I have, I nod my head in agreement. The desire to go somewhere private with no fear of Rebecca bursting in and screaming or hitting me is too great.

Alex takes my nod as acceptance of her offer and rises out of the seat with enthusiasm. She stands to the side so I can get out as well. I wipe my eyes once more before I turn to face her. "I'll go talk to my boss. Will you wait for me?"

She smiles and nods. "Of course. Need me to talk to him?"

If I were in a better state of mind, that suggestion would insult me; I'm not a child or an invalid. I don't need Alex to talk to my boss like she's my mother. Any other time I would frown and tell Alex where to go. But right now I just smile and thank her for her kind offer, and slink off to fight my own battle with my boss.

I wonder how in the world it will ever be possible for me to feel like 'me' again?

* * *

"You haven't even taken a bite," Alex comments, eyeing the untouched pizza on my plate on the coffee table in front of her couch. "I let you pick out the pizza so I know it's what you like. But would you like me to make you something else?"

I shake my head at her, finding the hem of my pants suddenly very fascinating. "I'm just not hungry."

I'm sitting in Alex Cabot's elaborate apartment still in my pathetic restaurant uniform, on her leather couch that probably cost more than I make in a month. Everything in her apartment is clean and modern and perfect. Her décor matches her furniture and carpet and I feel so out of place and awkward.

Alex is sitting on in the chair to the right of the couch. She recognized I needed my space and didn't sit down next to me out of respect and not wanting to crowd me. She's been talking ever since we go to the apartment in a feeble attempt to cheer me up…but it hasn't worked thus far.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but something is. The last time I was with Alex I was starting to feel comfortable. But now I want to sink into the couch and disappear. She witnessed my breakdown at work, and she saw the marks on my face. I can't even bring myself to look at her. I'm sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest, picking away at the seam of my pant leg.

"Okay. Well, that's a relief that you don't want me to make you anything. My cooking skills are quite horrible," she says with a laugh, tying again to cheer me up. I don't even look up. And that's when Alex gives up. She turns around in the chair so she's facing me and uses her lawyer tone on me. "Casey Novak, look at me."

I do as she says. I raise my head and look at her.

"Don't you remember what I told you? I want to be your friend. I know how you feel. I know you're hurting…and I want to help you. You need to talk to someone, Casey. If you don't have anyone in your life to talk to me, talk to me. I'm willing to listen. I _want _to listen. I can see what your feelings are doing to you, Casey. When I was depressed, I let it get really bad because I didn't have anyone except myself. I don't want that to happen to you. I want you to know that you have someone who cares."

Depressed. She said that one word – depressed. I've known I was depressed for a long time, but no one has actually said it aloud to me before. Saying it out loud somehow makes it more real.

"I'm just sad," I tell her softly. "Sad all the time. Nothing makes me happy."

"You won't get through this if you keep it inside and pretend it's not happening."

My eyes fill with tears again, but I refuse to let them fall. "I can't face it. Whenever I do, I break down – like I did at the restaurant. I break down or I have a panic attack and that just makes it worse. It just reminds me of how weak I am."

"Depression, tears and panic attacks are _not _a sign of weakness. They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long." She reaches out and squeezes my knee. "Break down, Casey. Break down. I'm here. Talk to me. Tell me anything. Anything at all. Tell me what you makes you sad."

I force myself to look at her again and when I see the way she's looking back at me, all my walls crumble down. Her eyes and expression are so warm that my walls just melt away and I find myself speaking almost unconsciously.

"I hate myself so much. I hate what I've done to myself. I hate my job and my apartment. I hate that I had to sell my car just to pay my rent. I hate that one mistake cost me my life. I hate that I was so stupid…I fucked up so badly. I was supposed to be better than this. I had a future once. I was supposed to Casey Novak…and Casey Novak was supposed to be somebody. Everyone believed in me – my family, my friends, myself. Now no one does. I have no friends any more and my family is ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself too."

I pause to gauge Alex's reaction. She hasn't been frightened away yet. She's still sitting in that chair facing me, wearing a small understanding smile. "Go on, Casey. Keep talking. Get it all out," she encourages me.

So I do. "I hate that I'm so emotional. I used to be able to control my emotions but now I can't. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't sleep. I barely eat. I feel sick all the time. I don't go out anywhere. I can barely pay my bills." I pause and take a deep breath, keeping my tears at bay. "I hate that I had to walk out of my office in shame after I was censured. I'll never forget the looks and the whispers I received as I walked down the hall to the elevator. It was the longest walk of my life. It _was_ the walk of my life. It summed up everything; I'm a failure and screw-up that deserves to be given up on. And I hate that Kim Greylek took it upon herself to come into my office while I was still packing to 'get the lay of the office'. She acted like I was invisible as she measured and started to move around the furniture to customize the office for herself." I let a tear fall now. "Do you have any idea how that felt? I was losing my job and she just waltzed in and made me feel like I was an inch tall. She treated me like I was the coat rack or something."

And then Alex says something that surprises me – "Kim Greylek is a bitch."

For a moment I forget my sorrow and forget I'm supposed to be pouring my heart out, and I burst out laughing. Hearing Alex Cabot say 'bitch' is just too much for me to handle. She's so professional and proper that I wasn't aware that word was even in her vocabulary.

Alex smiles and laughs at well, visibly relieved that I've broken out of my shell. "Sorry; but I had to say it."

"No apology necessary; it's the truth. She is."

Alex gives me a moment, and then asks me to continue. "Please go on, Casey. Say whatever you need to say."

I need to tell her about Rebecca. It's my deepest, darkest secret and one that is killing me to keep.

But I can't tell her; not yet. I want Alex to be my friend. I don't want to scare her away before we've even scratched the surface of friendship. If I were to reveal that I was in an abusive relationship, Alex would step away. It's not something she wants to deal with, I'm sure. She would give up on me in an instant.

Before I can say anything, and as if on cue, my phone vibrates on the coffee table, indicating a text message. I immediately pick it up and open the message.

_Where the hell are you?! I came by the restaurant to pick you up so you didn't have to walk, and your boss said you left early with a woman! _

My heart sinks down to my feet. It's from Rebecca. She knows I'm with someone else right now. And it doesn't matter that we're not doing anything…Rebecca won't care. All she'll care about is that I 'betrayed' her.

I'm terrified. My hands are actually shaking as I set my phone down and look at Alex with panic in my eyes. I know I have to leave now. I have to talk to Rebecca, try and make her understand before she does something regrettable. " I – I have to go…" I announce, standing up and slinging my purse over my shoulder. "Thank you, Alex, and I'm sorry – but I have to leave."

I turn towards the door but Alex is in my path before I can make my way there. She puts her body between me and the door. "Casey – wait. Don't leave. You're too upset. Where are you going? Who texted you?"

"Home," I tell her quickly, trying to side-step her. She doesn't budge. "Alex, please!"

Every minute that goes by is making this worse. It's giving Rebecca time to think about what could be going on and making her angrier…with means worse consequences for me.

"You're not going home, Casey. Not until you tell me where you got that fat lip and," she reaches out and rolls up my sleeves, exposing the deep ugly bruises on my wrists, new and old, "and these bruises. I know you didn't get them at work. Tell me the _truth_."

I look away from her. I'm in sheer panic mode now. Alex has no idea what's going to happen to me if I don't get out of here and go to Rebecca right _now. _

"I told you what happened, Alex," I tell her anxiously, trying again to side-step her.

This time she grabs both of my arms to stop me and that single motion causes me to jump back, anticipating the slap I know is coming. But it never comes. My heart is beating a million miles per hour but slows down when I remember that it's Alex in front of me – not Rebecca.

Alex realizes what she's done and holds up her hands, taking a tentative step towards me. "Casey…It's Alex. I'm not going to hurt you. But you have to tell me who is."

I look away from her, swallowing harshly. I choke on my words as I say, "No one is hurting me."

"Casey," Alex says softly, her tone matching the kind you'd use on a scared child. "Is it Rebecca? Is she hurting you?"

My head immediately snaps up, my eyes flashing in fear. She knows…oh my God, she knows!

I know I can't spend one more minute in this apartment. I'm going to pay for the time I was already here. I don't even give Alex a response; I just bolt for the door, and this time she lets me go.

She lets me get as far as the hallway before she comes out the door and says, "I can help you, Casey. If she's hurting you, tell me. I'll make it stop. She'll never touch you again; I promise. Don't be ashamed. You don't have to put up with abuse."

But I _do _have to put up with it; that's the thing she doesn't understand. I _do _have to. I deserve it.

So I turn to Alex and shake my head. "Rebecca doesn't hurt me, Alex. That's the truth. Please leave me alone now. Don't come after me again."

She says nothing else to me; just gives me one final sad look before I turn and practically run down the hall towards the elevator.

**So what do you think? Feel badly for Casey? She's in such a tough spot. The relationship between Alex and Casey will start developing stronger within the next couple of chapters. Alex needs Casey's help with something, and needs to gain Casey's trust. But the question is - will she accomplish that before things with Rebecca get even worse? Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter!**

**The next chapter of my other story "Roll of Thunder" will be posted tomorrow or Saturday  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**I want to say I am flattered by the response to this story. So happy so many of you are enjoying it! Your reviews and loyalty means a lot; thank you :)**

When I get home from Alex's apartment, the first thing I notice is that my apartment is trashed. And I mean trashed in its most literal sense – it looks just like a burglar went through it.

I'm horrified as I step inside and survey the damage. Magazines from the coffee table are all over the floor, several of my knick-knacks from the mantle place are knocked down and broken, the TV is tipped over onto the floor, and there are DVDs all over the living room.

I step around the mess and drop my purse on the coffee table, trying to hold back the tears. Rebecca did this. She found out I was out with a woman and trashed my apartment in a jealous rage.

I expect Rebecca to come rushing into the living room at any second and start in on me. I'm probably going to get screamed at and hit again. It happens so much now that I'm actually used to it. And this time Rebecca is jealous, so it's probably going to be worse.

But she doesn't come running in the living room. I stand completely still and listen for any sounds that she may be in the apartment, but I hear nothing. So I let myself wander into the kitchen and am relieved when I see that it's not trashed like the living room. There are no signs of life here either. No indication that Rebecca made herself something to eat. I always know when she does; she leaves a mess behind and never puts anything away. She probably couldn't find anything in my fridge. I have nothing in there except milk and some leftover takeout. I eat very lately; saves a lot on my budget that way.

I check the rest of the apartment, but Rebecca is nowhere to be found. I should be happy about this, but instead I'm terrified. She's so angry that she left the apartment…and I know she'll be back. The fact that she isn't here is worse than if she were here.

I sit down on the couch and look at the mess in my living room again, and I finally start to cry. Everything is so hard. The things I'm keeping inside are killing me and I'm lonelier than I've ever been. I'm sitting on my couch crying alone and I'm going to have to clean up this mess from my jealous abusive girlfriend alone.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Being hurt and belittle every day, living in constant fear, having to lie to people…it's all taking a toll on me. Every day I look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me less and less. And every day my eyes grow a little dimmer and emptier.

I want to call Alex. I want to tell her what's been happening and have her call the police so I don't have to and feel safe when they take Rebecca away. I want Alex to come over and help me clean up my apartment and tell me everything is going to be okay now. I want her to hug me and make me feel like I matter. I want to be able to tear down my walls and let Alex in…but I can't. I'm too damaged and too much of a burden to ever inflict upon someone undeserving like Alex.

So I pull myself together and start picking up the living room – on my own, as always.

* * *

Two days pass without me seeing or hearing from Rebecca. I'm shocked and relieved, but at the same time I know I haven't seen the last of her. She wouldn't just disappear; not after knowing I left work with a woman. Wherever she is, I know her jealously is eating at her and I'm going to pay the ultimate price when she returns.

Even though I'm armed with this knowledge, I still try to put her out of my mind and enjoy a Rebecca-less existence. The past two mornings I have not been screamed awake and I haven't incurred any fresh bruises or bloody lips. I'm starting to feel a little more like Casey; as much as I can, anyway.

The past two days when I've come home from work I cringe and brace myself for the worst…but it never comes. I find my apartment empty, and just as I left it. Nothing is tipped over or broken.

I occupy myself with work and tutoring, but a huge part of my mind is on Alex. She hasn't called or texted since that night at her apartment, and I haven't attempted to make contact again either. I either scared her off for good or she's waiting for me to make the next move in developing our friendship; if there is still a friendship.

And truthfully, it would kill me if Alex changed her mind and didn't want to be my friend. I like her. She's easy to talk to you and caring; two things that before I never would have believed Alex Cabot could be. But I wouldn't blame her if she gave up one me. She had extended a warm hand of friendship to me and I slapped it away. I owe her an apology for running out on her the way I did that night. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I could have found a much calmer and more tactful way of denying Rebecca's abuse.

After that night at the apartment I realized I'm a victim. I've known it all along, but Alex's accusations and pleas to help me confirmed it for me. I'm just like all those victims I worked with for years as Special Victims ADA. Sometimes I'd work on abuse cases and I'd feel sorry for the victims but at the same time would wonder why they would resign themselves to being a victim for so long. I could never understand why they wouldn't reach out to anyone; surely they must have had someone in their lives that was willing to listen and help.

But now I know. It's out of fear, not love. Anyone who says they stay with an abuser out of love is lying. I feel no love at all for Rebecca. All I feel is fear of what she's going to do to me when she returns. And I do have someone reaching out a hand to me, yet I still can't reveal it. I'm ashamed of myself and don't want Alex looking at me with the same expression I used on victims in court for all those years. Seeing the sad look in her eyes at her apartment was bad enough. It was degrading and humiliating to discover that she knew what I was trying so desperately to hide.

And then I wonder – can I really be Alex's friend knowing that she's aware of what Rebecca is doing to me; what I'm _allowing _Rebecca to do to me? Can I keep denying it and lying to her every day? How long will she put up with that?

I torture myself with these thoughts for the whole two days I'm free of Rebecca, until I come to a decision – I can't leave things the way they are between me and Alex. She reached out to me and I can't just ignore her. I must mean something to her if she went out of her way twice to try and help me.

So I decide to go to her office and apologize to her. I have the day off work and it takes me practically all morning to muster up the courage to get ready and go hail a taxi. It's not just that I'm nervous about seeing Alex; I'm also nervous about going to the DA's office. Entering that familiar building and seeing former colleagues and friends is going to brutal. They're all going to give me those "that's her" looks. They'll probably think I came back to take them all hostage and open fire on the place.

The entire taxi ride to the DA's office I'm contemplating changing my mind and asking the driver to take me back to my apartment. I could just call Alex and apologize…then I wouldn't have to endure that walk of shame to her office with prying and judging eyes on me.

But before I even realize it, we've arrived. The taxi driver has to tell me twice that we've reached my destination and I quickly fumble for some bills and pay him before climbing out of the taxi. He pulls away, taking any chance of escape with him.

I stand there in front of the building, looking at it as if it's the first time my eyes have ever seen it. And in a way, I guess it is. The last time I was here was over a year ago when I was packing up my office and dealing with Kim Greylek's righteous attitude. But I was still Casey then. I was broken and humiliated but I still had a _shred _of my dignity. All that's gone now and I'm not Casey anymore…so this really is the first time I'm seeing the building.

Somehow I make my feet carry me inside. I actually hold my breath as I open the door and go inside.

And it's just like I remember it. Exactly the same as it was a year ago. I could just be returning from court right now; that's how familiar it feels. Or just coming back from lunch or from the precinct.

I walk right by the information desk without making eye contact with Jennifer the receptionist, though I can feel her eyes on me. She's probably going to pick up the phone as soon as I'm out of earshot and alert the whole building that Casey Novak has entered. In a moment four armed guards will step out of the elevator and take me into custody.

Okay….so I'm exaggerating a little. But it does feel that way.

I get on the elevator to go to the third floor, but it stops on the second so someone can get on and I nearly faint. My office was on this floor. I can't even count the number of times I rode this elevator and go off here. Before the doors swish closed I have just enough time to look down the hall and see where the turn-off for my office was.

I'm feeling really emotional now. My hands are shaking and I have to put them in the pockets of my jeans to steady them. I look around at my elevator co-habitants and feel severely underdressed. Everyone here is dressed professionally in suits…and I'm wearing an old pair of jeans and sandals.

When the doors open on the third floor, I step out like a robot. I'm not sure exactly where to go but I know the Bureau Chief's office is on this floor, so I step aside to let the important crowd pile off the elevator and walk past me like I'm just a part of the décor.

There's a floor directory on the wall beside me, so I step over to it and quickly locate Alex's office. I don't feel quite as uncomfortable on this floor as I didn't spend a lot of time up here so I'm able to make the trek to her office without running into anyone I directly know.

I turn down the third hallway I come to and pass a secretary's station. I briefly pause and wonder if I should have Alex buzzed to make sure I'm not interrupting anything, but decide against it and continue on down the hall. Her office is the second to last on the left.

Her door is closed but I can see inside from between the open blinds on the windows. I spot Alex sitting at her desk, a look of frustration on her face and her office phone to her ear. And I can hear her voice; she's shouting. Whoever is on the other end of that phone is receiving an Alex Cabot tongue-lashing and I cringe for them.

I step away so she can't see me through the windows. I wonder if I should leave? This is a bad idea…she doesn't look or sound to be in a good mood. I've probably chosen a horribly busy time to bug her…

Before I have a chance to consider my options fully, her office door opens and she hurriedly steps out. "I can't _believe _it!" she says in frustration, to no one in particular.

In the split second that elapses before she notices me lingering awkwardly outside her office, I take in her appearance. Even though she's flustered she still has that air of confidence and purpose in her step. Today she's wearing a beige suit skirt and blazer with a pink blouse underneath, and that scent of her perfume invades my nostrils again.

She's breathtaking. She's beautiful and professional and confident…everything I aspire to be but never will achieve.

Alex speaks first. Her frustrated expression softens as she looks at me and turns into a small smile. "Casey…"

I'm not sure if she says that in shock or disappointment, but I don't care. At least she's smiling and not screaming at me to get out. I return her smile and ask meekly, "Hi. Sorry to bother you at work. I was hoping we could talk. Do you have a minute? Are you busy?"

I know she doesn't really have a minute and she is extremely busy, but she smiles again and gestures to her office anyway. "Of course. Come on in." She actually holds the door open for me as I enter and then closes it behind her.

Wow, her office is nice. I thought mine had been large and overly elaborate; that's nothing compared to this. She has at least three rooms that I can see off her main office, and her computer monitor is practically bigger than my TV at home.

Alex surprises me by casually sitting _on _her desk and pushes the chair in front of it out with her foot. I'm so amused by her action that I give her a half-smile and ask sarcastically, "Gee, is this how you ask all your visitors to be seated? Not very professional, Miss Cabot."

Alex shrugs casually. "No. But you're special."

_You're special_. I can't believe she said those words to me. I can't even remember the last time I heard them directed at me. And the way she's smiling at me…I nearly fall out of my chair.

"I'm glad you came by," she says. "I've been thinking about you. I wanted to apologize for what happened at my apartment."

My mouth drops open. "_You _wanted to apologize? I'm the one who owes an apology for running out the way I did…that's what I came here to do."

Alex looks at me in silence for a few minutes and I can tell she is looking for fresh marks and bruises. After she comes up empty-handed, she says, "I kind of pushed you…and I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that I was there. But it was wrong of me to try and push you to talk about something you were uncomfortable with."

I look away from her as she says this, because I'm embarrassed but also because I know that she knows I'm being abused and won't admit it. "It's okay," I tell her, staring at her floor.

"No it's not okay; it's not." She says this so sternly that I look up at her. "I have a habit of being too forceful; it's one of my less-charming attributes."

"Well I'm sure you have many charming ones to combat that."

Oh my God, that was stupid! Why did I say that? I'm such an idiot. I can feel my face growing crimson red but Alex seems to be unfazed by what I just said.

"But really, Casey, I'm sorry. I was trying to show you I'm supportive but went about it all wrong. I had no right to figuratively corner you like that. No wonder you ran away; I would have too. No apology is necessary. It's just that I do really care about you. I know that may sound stupid because we don't even really know each other, but I'm hoping that will change. I don't want to sound forward or weird, but I really think we have a basis for a good friendship…and I know we both need a friend."

Her words are really lifting my spirits. I find myself smiling a real genuine smile. "I agree. You seem like a fun person."

Alex laughs at that. That beautiful light feminine laugh of hers. "Oh, Casey, that's cute…but I don't think anyone has ever used the word 'fun' to describe me."

"Really? For me it's a verb." I tell her with a smile. "Maybe I'll teach you sometime."

She smiles back, her eyes lighting up from behind her glasses. "I'd like that. And I think I need it."

And suddenly I feel like me again. Not completely…but a little. More than I did when I entered this building. Alex is so easy to talk to and our conversation is so natural and flowing. For once I'm not thinking about my crappy apartment or my negative bank account or my abusive girlfriend. I'm thinking about Alex and the friendship she is offering me.

It's my turn to talk, so I do. "I understand, Alex. But I didn't have to react the way I did. I'm just so insecure about myself…I don't open up easily. I used to, but…well, you know. That little meltdown I had at the restaurant was the first time I actually told anyone how I feel. And it felt _good_. I was hurting like hell, but it still felt good to get those feelings off my chest. I felt like I unburdened myself. And you being there; you were amazing. You comforted me and gave me exactly what I needed – a caring shoulder and a friend. And I owed you more than just running away from you when you asked…that question."

Alex can sense this conversation is about to get awkward for me, so she saves me. "Don't fret; it's okay. Really. I won't ever pressure you again to talk about anything you don't want to. Whatever you have to tell me, you tell me in your own way when you're ready. I'll always be here…and I care."

She's telling me she knows about the abuse but isn't going to force me to talk about it…without using those words.

All I can say in response is, "Thank you. I appreciate that."

I wish I could just blurt it out; make it easy. But it's not easy. Sure Alex is saying she wants to be my friend and I desperately hope she's sincere, but I don't trust her enough yet to tell her this. And maybe Rebecca is gone for good. Maybe she finally left me, and I'll never have to tell Alex.

Alex smiles at me again and then rises off her desk, looking at the clock across the room. "I'm sorry to have to toss you out, but I do have an important meeting that I'm now late for."

I'm following her to the door and I blush in embarrassment. "Sorry…you didn't have to stay."

"Yes, I did. My friend said she needed to talk to me."

I'm grinning from ear-to-ear now. My entire attitude has changed. I don't feel sad or depressed; I feel special, valued. With just those words. It's amazing what positive words and actions can do for someone.

We reach the door, and then Alex turns to me, her blue eyes burning into mine. "Are you busy tonight? Say, around seven?"

I shake my head. "No. I have tutoring but I'll be done by then."

"Why don't I come by your apartment? We can do something. Go see a movie or get dinner…whatever you want. Maybe try pizza again, seeing as how it didn't work out the last time."

I don't want Alex to come to my apartment. I'd be humiliated to have her see what little I have, and even more humiliated when she discovered I don't have cable and now my TV is broken. So I shake my head. "Can we meet at yours instead? Mine is a mess…I haven't cleaned all week."

I can tell Alex knows it's more than that, but she's too polite to say anything. All she does is give me another one of those winning Alex Cabot smiles and says, "Sure. Be there by seven. I'll have pizza waiting."

* * *

"Oh my god, did you _really _go to jail?" I ask Alex, laughing so hard that I nearly choke on my Diet Pepsi. She's just finished telling me about the time that Judge Petrovsky had her thrown in jail for contempt of court. I never knew about that incident, and I can just picture the great Alex Cabot sitting in a cell. Oh to have been a fly on that wall…

Alex laughs as well. "Yes, I _really _did…until Liz bailed me out, of course."

"Wow. That's quite a story," I tell her, shaking my head. "You – the Great Alexandra Cabot – had to spend a few hours in a jail cell. Not even _I _have accomplished that! Congratulations. I'm sure that incident will be written about in law school text books for years to come."

I know the reason Alex told me to the story; to make me feel better about my mistake by showing me that everyone makes them. However, I do believe talking out of line and lying to a judge are quite different.

"And it sounds like we've both pissed Petrovsky off. Another thing we have in common," I add, trying to make light of the situation.

It's a little after eight PM and I've been at Alex's apartment for an hour. We're both dressed casually, sitting at her kitchen table finishing up our pizza and talking. It's really amazing – I'm not nervous at all. As soon as I sat down with Alex and we started easily conversing, all my nerves left me. I can't remember the last time I felt this comfortable with another person.

For an hour now I've not thought about my depression or Rebecca, or worried about what she's going to do when I see her again. I haven't thought about the fact that I have to be work tomorrow at seven AM at a job I hate, or how I'm no longer able to check my email or Facebook at home. All I've thought about is the here and now; this apartment and Alex. The beautiful apartment that I'm a guest in and this wonderful woman who by some miracle chose to be my friend.

When we finish our pizza, Alex loads the plates in the dishwasher and suggests we go for a walk. I haven't had exercise in days and it's a beautiful night out, so I whole-heartedly agree. While Alex is in her bedroom trying to find the appropriate shoes for our walk, something on the floor in the corner of the living room catches my eyes – a pair of rollerblades.

As Alex enters the living room again, I spin around to face her. "You have rollerblades?"

She looks first at the rollerblades, then at me, a hint of embarrassment on her face. "Oh…yeah. I meant to get rid of those things. I thought it would be a nice workout and something fun, but I can't skate. I'm awful. I can't stop on them…I'm really a safety hazard with those things on."

Alex on rollerblades…now that I would pay money to see! I can just imagine the usual composed and confident Alex completely unsure about herself and unsteady on a pair of rollerblades. The thought brings a smile to my face. I have to see this for myself.

I grin at Alex, picking up the skates and slinging them over my shoulder where they're tied together at the laces. "I love rollerblading. We'll bring them."

"Casey, no…I don't want to skate. And it's nearly dark…"

"So? We'll go to that little park a few blocks away. They have lights there. And I won't make you skate; you can just watch me and my form. Skating is easy and fun if you do it correctly," I tell Alex.

"Oh, and I suppose you're an expert on skating?"

I wink at her. "That and so much more, my dear."

Alex doesn't argue any further. She accepts the fact that we're taking the skates on our walk and we start out on our journey. But once we exit the building, it's apparent that it's becoming chilly, so Alex tells me wait for her while she runs back inside to fetch us sweatshirts.

I watch her go back inside the building and I can't help the thoughts that flood my brain. That confident stride of hers never ceases to amaze me. And the way her blonde hair cascades down her back and shoulders…it look so soft and touchable. And of course her blue eyes. Those wonderful, beautiful, intense and expressive blue eyes. I lose myself when I look into them.

I shake my head, forcing all thoughts away. I can't be thinking about Alex in this way. She's my _friend _and even thinking of her being anything more is selfish and wrong, because I'm lucky she's even that. And I'm not in any shape emotionally to accept any feelings other than friendship towards her right now. Even if I were, I highly doubt the feelings would be returned. So I push it out of my mind.

Alex finally comes out and hands me a gray hooded sweatshirt, which I immediately slip on. It's so warm and comfortable, and smells like Alex's perfume. It's strange; I never pictured her owning an item like this.

As we make our way to the park, we engage in conversation. Alex tells me that she's been thinking about Elliot and Olivia a lot lately and wishes things were different between them. She wishes they were all still friends.

"So call them," I tell her. "I know you're scared and I know your reasons, but I guarantee you it will be easier than you think. They will both love to hear from you. Invite them out for a drink after work and just talk. Be open and honest, the way you are with me."

Alex considers my words for a moment, and then shakes her head. "I don't think I can do it. I want to; I desperately want to. But I've waited too long already. I've been home for over a year…how am I going to justify that? I just don't think I can sit face to face with them after everything we've been through and the way I just brushed them off when I came back here…"

And suddenly an idea strikes me like lightning. It may just be brilliant.

"Maybe you don't have to," I say. Alex looks at me with a confused expression. "What if you didn't go alone?"

"What do you mean?"

"I could go with you if you wanted. It may make it easier to have someone there. A buffer, perhaps."

I can tell Alex likes this idea. Her eyes actually light up. But she says, "But Casey, you said you don't feel comfortable with them either…you stopped being in contact after your censure…"

"Yes, that's true. So maybe I need to it for two reasons; to help you, and for myself. Olivia and Elliot were my friends too. And I already braved going into the DA's office again to see you; I think I can handle Olivia and Elliot. But I think your issue is bigger. You have more of a history with them. That's why I think it would help to have someone there to break the ice. It doesn't even have to be me…it could be anyone."

It doesn't _have_ to be me, but I _hope _it is.

Alex stops walking and turns to face me, her blue eyes locking onto my green ones. "You'd do that for me?" she asks, not able to hide her shock.

"Of course. Look what you've done for me!" I offer her a reassuring smile. "I'll even call them if you want. I'll set up an evening out. I'll tell them we've been out of touch for too long and I want to catch up and apologize for any way I've hurt them. Then I'll say I have a surprise for them, and you can show up."

I see a hint of a smile playing at Alex's face until she relents and lets it happen. "Casey…that would mean a lot to me." I swear I can see tears shining in her eyes as she says those words.

"It's my pleasure," I tell her.

And I really mean it. She's helped me by giving me the gift of a friend; helping her out with this issue is the least I could do to repay her.

We've reached the park now and it's grown dark enough that we do need the parking lot lights in order to see. I sit down on the bench and start to strap the rollerblades on. Alex sits down beside me, so close that our knees are touching.

I nearly gasp out loud at the sudden, unexpected contact. I actually stiffen and hold my breath. Alex quickly slides a few inches away from me, breaking our contact. And I know it's because she thinks I'm uncomfortable with it, when in reality the opposite is actually true. She's looking at me with those beautiful eyes again, and it's all I can take not to stare back.

_Hold yourself together, Casey…you know you can't do this. Don't allow yourself to get attached and develop feelings for Alex. She deserves better than you. _

"Are you really going to skate right now?" Alex asks with amusement in her voice.

"No. I'm putting these on to walk around in."

Alex rolls her eyes and laughs. "Okay, okay…point taken. I'm blonde."

I lace up the last skate and finally look at Alex. "Well, I wasn't going to say that, but since you did…"

Alex points to the empty parking lot. "Just skate, Novak. Stop talking and show off."

Alex makes herself comfortable on the bench, sitting with her arms crossed and watching me. It's been a while since I've been on skates so I start out somewhat unsteadily until I get my bearings. Real cute, Casey. You imply you're a good skater but right now you're bumbling around like a kid trying on rollerblades for the very first time.

Alex's skates are a bit too small for me and I attribute my rocky start to that. But I soon get the feel of them and within minutes I'm gliding across the pavement. Nowhere near expertly, but certainly better than a novice.

I skate around the parking lot, feeling Alex's eyes on me. It's a little awkward and difficult in the semi-darkness; even under the parking lot lights I'm afraid I'm going to hit a pebble or something I can't see. But I brave it and do a complete circle, then head back towards Alex.

She's sitting on the bench with a smile on her face. "Not bad. But if you want to impress me, show me how to do a stop. One of those fancy ones."

I don't even hesitate a second. I whip around and attempt a stop – and fall flat on my butt. I went down so quickly I didn't even realize what was happening until it had happened already.

I can hear Alex laughing that cute laugh of hers as she comes over to help me. My face has grown crimson red as she holds out her hand and asks me – through her laughter – if I'm okay. "Fancy skating there, Novak. But you were supposed to show me something I didn't know. I already know how to fall."

"Funny. And I'm okay – I think my pride is more bruised than my bottom." I take Alex's hand and allow her to pull me to my feet, being careful not to slip on the skates and go down again.

We're now standing face to face, and an extended silence befalls us. I'm staring at Alex and she's staring at me and the most intense feeling washes over me.

I just open my mouth and get out the words, "Alex, I think – " when a car whips into the parking lot. Its brights are turned on and so it takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the sudden brightness before I can see it clearly.

It's a red Grand Am. _Rebecca's _red Grand Am.

I hear the window being rolled down. I can make out Rebecca's silhouette as she sticks her head out the window and says, "Casey…what are you doing? Did you forget about our date?"

My blood runs cold and I actually feel myself start to shake. I haven't seen Rebecca in over two days…and now here she is, interfering with me and Alex in the park. How did she even know I was here?

I stand there like a deer caught in a car's headlights. My mouth is gaping open and I finally approach the car, swallowing harshly. We didn't have a date…Rebecca knows we didn't have a date. I meet her eyes and immediately have to look away; all they reflect is anger.

"I was just showing my friend how to use her skates," I tell Rebecca softly. My voice resembles that of a small child who knows they are about to be severely punished.

And now everything comes rushing back at once. The park, the rollerblades, Alex, that warm feeling – they all disappear. All that's here now is my sadness, self-hatred and Rebecca. All it took was laying eyes on her once more to completely tear me down again.

"We had a date tonight, Casey. Don't you even remember? What is the matter with you?" Rebecca belittles me, causing me to look at the ground in shame.

Alex steps up beside me, giving Rebecca an uneasy look. "Look…I asked her for skating lessons. That's it. Take it easy; she's not doing anything wrong."

Rebecca shoots Alex a hateful look. "This isn't any of your concern. I'm speaking to my girlfriend Casey; not you." She puts her eyes back on me. "Get in the car, Casey."

I hesitate. I don't want to. I don't want to be taken away from this park and Alex and brought somewhere cold and uncaring. I don't want to be kept awake tonight by aching ribs or have to hide fresh bruises at work tomorrow. Foolishly I had thought this was over…but I was dead wrong.

I want to reach out and take Alex's hand, knowing that if I did so, she wouldn't let me go. She would consider that gesture as me reaching out to her and I'd go home safe without fear tonight. It seems so easy…all I have to do is take her hand…it's mere inches away.

But of course I can't.

"Get in the car, Casey!" Rebecca says again, this time raising her voice and making me flinch.

Alex notices and steps between me and the car. "That's enough. I'm sorry; but she's _not _going with you."

Alex putting herself between me and the car is very dangerous. Rebecca is a very tall and strong woman, and all it would take is one hit to Alex to have her down for the count. Alex wouldn't stand a chance against her. I'm sure she is aware of this, but even so, her tone and mannerisms sound quite threatening.

At first I think Rebecca is going to snap and get out of the car and assault us both…but she doesn't. To my surprise, she remains relatively calm. She shifts her attention back to Alex and says, "I appreciate you looking out for Casey, but she doesn't need looking after. I'm her girlfriend. I can take care of her myself."

"Is that so?" Alex says, in a very serious tone.

"Yes, it is. Now tell her to get in the car."

Alex shakes her head. "I don't think she wants to go with you."

"I don't care what you think!" Rebecca shouts.

I know I have to step in. I can't let this go any further. I can't allow Alex to endanger herself for me. I know what Rebecca is capable of…she wouldn't think twice about hitting Alex. And I can't be responsible for that.

So I step away from Alex, my heart pounding and my breath hitching in my throat. I muster up all the courage I can and plaster on a fake smile. "Alex, it's okay. We did have a date. I just forgot, that's all."

Alex looks at me like I have two heads, as if she can't believe what she's hearing. "Casey – " she starts, but I hold up my hand to silence her and she grows silent, swallowing harshly.

I turn to face Rebecca. Her cold eyes hold me in her sight and I actually shiver. "I – I'm sorry, Rebecca."

She says only four words – "Get in the car."

I know I have no choice. I can't put Alex in the middle of this. It was wrong to go to her office and accept her friendship proposal. I should have left her alone; she would have been better off.

I walk around to the passenger's side of the car and open the door with a shaking hand. I can feel Rebecca's cold gaze penetrating me as I hesitate outside the door. I venture another look at Alex. She looks so sad and concerned…I can tell she wants to help me but knows I'm not letting her.

Then I sigh and open the door, sitting down in the seat and putting on my seatbelt.

**So...what did you think? Alex and Casey are growing closer...Casey wants to help Alex with Elliot and Olivia...but then there's Rebecca. Where did she go for two days, and how did she find Casey? What do you think will happen? Please review and let me know what you think**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay guys...this is the best chapter yet in this story. I worked really hard on it...hope you like it...**

The drive back to my apartment is in total silence. I don't speak, and neither does Rebecca. We don't even look at each other. And I think the silence is more frightening than actual words.

Rebecca enters the parking garage and parks in the first available space. As soon as the engine is off, I start to feel sick. I know exactly what I'm in for.

Rebecca makes no attempt to get out of the car. She turns and looks at me, scowling. "Who the hell is that blonde woman?"

I look back at her. Every part of me is screaming at me to tell her what she wants to hear, but I can't bring myself to do it. I was having a great time with Alex – I was actually _happy_. It was wonderful spending time with someone who actually cares about me. And then Rebecca – whom I hadn't seen in days – shows up and spoils it.

I should have been stronger. I should have refused to go with her. I should have told Alex right then and there what has been going on. We should have called the police and I should have filed charges against Rebecca. I should have a restraining order against her.

That's all things that _should _be…but what actually _is _is different.

Instead I let Rebecca bully me into getting into her car. I let my fear for my safety (and Alex's) control me. In that instant when I had to make a decision of what I was going to do, I was terrified; and I made the wrong choice.

Why do I let Rebecca do this to me? I let her control my money for too long…then I cut her off. I had been scared to death to do it, but the end result had been worth it. But if I were to ignore to try to fight back with Rebecca, I know what would happen. And I know it's true that no one else would want someone as damaged as me. And so fear and shame have now taken over Casey Novak.

"Where have you been?" I ask Rebecca, not even bothering to ask her question. "I…I thought you'd left me. You were just gone."

Rebecca's eyes flash angrily. "You look happy about that."

I stupidly say the worst thing possible. "I was."

That answer earns me a nice crisp slap on the face. It's not a surprise, but still catches me off guard. It's been days since I was a hit. I immediately put my hand on my cheek. It's stinging and burning but I refuse to give Rebecca any kind of response. I stare straight ahead. If I look at her, she's going to know how I'm feeling inside.

There's a storm raging inside me. The part of me that wants to scream at Rebecca and tell her I'm through letting her hurt me anymore and it ends now, and the other part that's Rebecca's obedient victim are engaged in a bloody war. Both sides are taking shots and suffering casualties.

"Who the hell is the blonde chick?!" Rebecca asks me again, her voice commanding and loud.

I keep my eyes glued to the windshield as I answer, "Just a friend."

"You're a liar, Casey. You don't have any friends. You're too damn pathetic."

Although I've heard those words a million times, they still hurt every time Rebecca speaks them. But this time they feel different. They hurt, but they don't seem to hold the same truth and meaning as usual. If I were really as pathetic as Rebecca says, Alex Cabot wouldn't have befriended me.

I take a deep breath to stop my emotions from taking over me, and then I finally force myself to look at Rebecca again. Then I ask her my burning question, "How did you find me?"

Her eyes flash again. "I ask the questions, Casey! You know that. Were you really fool enough to think I had left?"

No; I wasn't. I had hoped she had, but in my heart I knew she wasn't gone.

"I was keeping my eye on you, Casey. When you went to work. When you went to the DA's office. When you went to that little slut's apartment and decided to take your cute little stroll to the park."

Rebecca calling Alex a 'slut' causes my head to snap up. It's my eyes that flash angry this time. "Don't talk about Alex that way! She isn't a slut….we're just friends."

Rebecca laughs that dry bitter laugh of hers. "So her name is Alex? How cute. And she's a slut as far as I'm concerned. I don't believe for one second that you're just friends."

"Well we are," I tell her defiantly. I'm getting worked up now. I grab the door handle and open my door. "I'm getting out; I'm not sitting in the car and arguing with you."

Mere seconds after I get out, so does Rebecca. She comes around to my side of the car so quickly it actually shocks me. She roughly grabs my arm. "You aren't going anywhere."

My heart starts pounding. Is she going to lose it with me right here, in the parking garage? Is she that stupid?

Then I realize that her attacking me right now would actually be the best thing. Someone would see her and call the police. Then it would all be over; without me being involved in getting Rebecca in trouble. She would have done it to herself.

I quickly look around. I don't see anyone, but I know there are active security cameras in the lot. So I decide to bate Rebecca. I try to pull my arm out of her grasp and I say, "I'm tired of you bullying me, Rebecca. I won't put up with it any more."

To my disappointment, Rebecca remains somewhat calm. I'm puzzled; my talking back usually garners an angry response. Maybe she knows what I'm trying to do.

She smiles a me. An evil smile that sends a chill through my body. "Let's go to the apartment, Casey."

Fear grips me. I'm actually starting to shake. I can read the hate and cruelness in her eyes and I know what I'm in for.

"I was at the apartment earlier today when you left for your tutoring. You'll love what I've done to the place. I got rid of all your junk – your TV, laptop, even your iPod. Since you can't afford the things that go with them, why do you need them? I was able to get myself a nice new dress with the money I got for them. I'll have to show it to you sometime; if you ever take me out again."

She got rid of my stuff. She sold everything.

That one revelation makes me abandon all my plans to egg her on. It doesn't matter what I say or do. Rebecca has control of me. I can't fight her. She comes and goes as she pleases, abuses me and takes my money and possessions.

The little light inside of me that was being re-lit by Alex is extinguished as I let Rebecca lead me into the apartment building and to my apartment. I was a fool to think I could be happy or 'me' again at all.

Once we reach the privacy of my apartment, Rebecca really lets me have it. I stand there with my head down in shame as she verbally tears into me again and again.

"How dare you go off with someone else? I don't believe she's just a friend, Casey! You didn't look like 'just friends' in that park." She reaches out and grabs the front of my shirt, shaking me and making me look at her. "Look at me when I talk to you, you filth!"

I've been called a loser, pathetic, big baby, stupid and a slew of other derogatory names by Rebecca, but there's something about the word 'filth' that pushes me to the limit. I can hear Alex's voice in my head telling me, "_Don't listen to her; you're not filth.' _Alex believes I'm worth something, so maybe I am. That thought ignites something inside of me, and I lash out angrily.

"Stop it, Rebecca! I'm not filth, and I'm not lying to you! Alex is my friend! She cares about me; she respects me. Which is more than you have _ever _given me! You're cold and abusive and I've put up with you for too long. _You're _the one who is pathetic, Rebecca. You're the loser. _Not _me."

I have never seen Rebecca angrier; ever. She immediately grabs me and pushes me against the wall again, and kicks me in the stomach so hard that I fall to my knees, groaning and holding my stomach in pain.

But she doesn't let up. "Don't you _ever_ speak that way to me again!" While I'm still down trying to catch my breath, Rebecca kicks me in the back, causing me to cry out and reach around to hold my back. I'm in pain and crying and still Rebecca won't stop.

She grabs me by my hair and pulls me to my feet. The sudden movement causes a wave of pain to surge through my back and I suppress another cry as she stares me down, hate flashing in her eyes again. "Did you argue with me? Do you want to take back what you said?"

I've never been more frightened in my life. Normally I'd be stuttering and begging Rebecca to stop, telling her anything she wanted to hear until she stopped the abuse.

But anger is pulsating through me right now and I find myself talking back to her again, in the midst of her worst abuse. "No – I don't take it back. You're filth, Rebecca."

I wish I could tell you that Rebecca let me go and left my apartment without incident and I lived happily ever after without her. But unfortunately life isn't a fairytale, and things often get worse before they get better.

Rebecca throws me to the floor and kicks me in stomach three more times. By the time she's done, I've rolled onto my side, clutching my stomach and moaning. I can taste blood in my mouth and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Rebecca steps away from me, taking a look at her handiwork. I can hear her scoffing as I attempt to catch my breath and wait for the pain in my stomach to let up. I roll onto my stomach and cough up a little blood, which sends a chill through my aching body. She kicked me quite hard. I wonder if it were hard enough to cause internal bleeding?

"Get up," Rebecca suddenly barks at me.

I can manage to sputter, "I can't," which just causes her to grab my hair again and yank me to my feet. I almost fall over, but she forces me to stay upright.

"Apologize to me!" she screams, and when I make no attempt to do so, she pulls my hair so hard that I cry out. "Apologize!"

I'm crying now, but more in anger than anything else. I want to scream at her and hurt her as much as she's hurting me. I won't give her the satisfaction of apologizing to her. For the first time since I fell victim to Rebecca, I won't give in to her.

"No. I'm not sorry," I tell her, my gaze never wavering from hers. I found momentarily found strength inside myself.

But Rebecca takes care of that. "You're incredible, Casey. Truly unique; and not in a good way." She lets go of my hair long enough kick me in the stomach yet again, and this causes me to go down once more. I taste blood again in my mouth and I'm aware of Rebecca hovering over me. "You think you're worth something now? Since this blonde became you friend? Let me tell you this, Casey; you're nothing. You mean nothing to 'Alex'. She feels _sorry _for you. What do you have to offer a friend? You have no money, a crappy apartment, a crappy job and now you don't even have a TV. The only person who will ever put up with you is me."

I'm lying on my side now trying to decide what hurts worse – my back or my stomach. My intense crying makes my stomach hurt even worse, and I'm sure I have incurred a few broken ribs.

Rebecca crouches down over me and I cover my head with my hand, anticipating another attack from her. But she doesn't touch me again. All she says is, "Pull yourself together. I didn't hurt you that badly."

I lie there crying until I hear Rebecca leave my apartment. That's her famous move; fleeing after she hurts me. I sometimes wonder if she goes off alone and thinks about what she's done, and if she feels guilty?

I wait a few minutes to make sure Rebecca isn't going to return, and then I force myself to get up. Climbing to my feet and walking hurts so badly that I have to bite my lip to keep from crying again. I drop onto the couch, holding my stomach again. The metallic taste of blood is still in my mouth as I put my head in my hands and cry again.

This is my life; or more appropriately, my existence. I'm not Casey Novak anymore; I'm just another statistic.

* * *

I take the next two days off work. I can't afford to, but I'm in too much pain to work. I know I have more than one broken rib; it hurts to breathe and I have deep ugly bruises on my stomach and around my ribcage. It even hurts to get up and walk. I spend the entire two days in bed doing nothing. I can't watch TV (I don't have one any more) so I just lay there in pain and try to get as much rest as I possibly can.

I know I should visit the doctor. They can't do anything for broken ribs but they could give me a stronger medication for pain than the Ibuprofen I'm currently taking. But I can't come up with a believable excuse for my injuries so I just resign myself to suffering. I deserve it for letting Rebecca do this to me.

These past few days, Rebecca has surprisingly been nice. She hasn't yelled or tried to hurt me again. She even brought me a box of chocolates yesterday. She hasn't even gotten on my case about missing work. Maybe she feels guilty for hurting me so badly this time. Or maybe she's afraid I'm going to call the police on her. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying her uncharacteristically nice behavior.

Alex has called every day. The day after the incident, I ignored her call. I was hurting too badly and too embarrassed to talk to her. That led to her going to the restaurant in search of me, and to another call stating she was concerned because my boss told her I had taken a couple days off. I talked to her that time. I assured her I was fine and had come down with a bug. She had asked if everything were okay with Rebecca, and I had lied to her again. I could tell she didn't fully believe me and she wanted to come by my apartment and see me for herself, but I managed to talk her out of it. She ended our conversation by reminding me that she's there for me, and asked me to call when I'm feeling better.

I miss her. I know it's pathetic; we haven't even spent that much time together. But the time I have spent with her has made me feel like 'me' again, which is something I haven't felt in a long, long time. I admire her in every way possible. That night at the park – even though it ended badly – had been a great night for me. I had forgotten all my problems and enjoyed what was right in front of me; Alex Cabot. I felt confident, brave, and happy. And I felt something else…something else I can't put my finger on. When Alex pulled me to my feet and I looked in her eyes, there was definitely _something _there. But what? I don't know. And I won't know until I spend more time with her.

The logical thing to do would be to stay away from Alex to spare her or myself any more trouble with Rebecca. And I had thought about it; almost convinced myself that was the right thing to do, actually. I was planning on writing Alex a letter and telling her I thought it would be best if we didn't see each other when I got her second call. I listened to her talk about how concerned she was and how she was looking forward to seeing me again, and all I could think about was Alex and the promise I made to her. I had promised to help her get back in Olivia and Elliot's life. And when Casey Novak makes a promise, Casey Novak keeps her promise, no matter what the cost to herself.

Alex needs my help just as much as I need hers. And I'm going to help her. No matter how many beatings it may cost me.

I'll wait until Rebecca has gone to work. It's her only day of work this week and she's working five to eleven tonight. That will give me plenty of time and she can't follow me because she'll be at work. It's perfect. I'll be home before she even knows where I am.

I'm fully aware that I shouldn't even be considering going out tonight. I'm still in so much pain that I nearly cry when I have to sit down or stand up. But I don't have any visible bruises and I'm pretty good at pain management so I think I can successfully hide it. I'll load myself up on Ibuprofen.

A couple hours before her shift is to start, Rebecca leaves for her apartment to get ready for work. She actually kisses me before she leaves. It doesn't make me feel happy and warm like a kiss from your girlfriend should; instead it makes me feel used and dirty because I know she doesn't really love me. Her past few days of caring are an act.

As soon as I'm sure Rebecca is gone, I call Alex at her office. After going through her secretary and being on hold for over ten minutes, I finally hear her confident and authoritive voice, "Alexandra Cabot."

I nearly break out in a fit of laughter. _Alexandra? _Of course I knew that was her name and I've used it myself, but I never expected to hear it come from her.

So of course I have to use this to break the ice. "Hello,_ Alexandra_. It's Casey."

"Hi Casey!" Alex says brightly and I can actually hear a smile in her voice. "How are you feeling?"

Notice she asks me how I'm feeling as opposed to if I'm still sick.

"Yes, I'm feeling better," I lie right through my teeth. "Are you free tonight?"

Alex doesn't even have to think about it. "Sure. I'd love to avoid paperwork. You want to do something?"

"Yes, actually," I tell her, not able to hid my excitement. "If you want to, of course…"

"I do. But…are you sure it's okay with Rebecca?"

The hesitancy in her voice as she says that makes me feel guilty and uneasy for lying to her. She is truly concerned for me.

"Rebecca is at work. And we came to an understanding. It will be fine. I promise."

See; I promised. So it _has _to be fine.

Alex drops the concern and jumps right into excitement. "Okay. If you're sure…what would you like to do?"

I take a deep breath. I'm not sure how she's going to receive what I'm about to say. So I decide to just put it out there for debate. "I was thinking I'd call Olivia and see if she and Elliot were free tonight. What would you think about that?"

Alex is silent for a moment. I hear her exhale slowly before answering. "I don't know if I'm ready, Casey…"

"You are," I encourage her. "I promise you are. And I'll be there. You have nothing to worry about." With a smile I add, "If you get scared, I'll hold your hand."

Alex laughs lightly at that. "Really? Hmm…I think I might like that."

I feel my hair stand on end as she says those words. Does she mean she might like getting together with Elliot and Olivia, or me holding her hand?

Luckily I don't get a chance to really torture myself with the question before Alex says, "I guess it might be fun…but I'm really nervous. How am I going to justify being here a year and never calling them? How am I going to deal with the hurt looks on their faces?"

"That's what I'll be there for," I assure her gently. "I've got your back. You're smart and you're compassionate; you'll do fine. And it will be easy with a friend by your side. You'll see."

There's no truer statement than that one – everything _is _easy with a friend by your side. And I have one now; so maybe things will get better for me. _Maybe_.

I so want Alex to agree. A night out is exactly what I need to take my mind off the pain and Rebecca and the fact that I'm missing nearly three day's pay on my check. I want to put it all out of my mind and focus on Alex and having fun. I don't really think that's too much to ask.

And apparently Alex doesn't either, because she says, "All right, Casey. I'll go. But before you celebrate – there is _one _stipulation…"

I swallow harshly. Why do I get the feeling I won't like this? "Go ahead…"

"Tomorrow we meet for lunch and have a serious talk about Rebecca."

I feel my heart stop and my body go numb. I knew Alex was aware of something not being right with her, but how much does she know? And how much does she expect me to tell her?

I'm suddenly panicking. I know if I agree to meet with Alex that I can't lie to her. She knows my situation is serious. She's an attorney; she's trained to know when someone is lying. She'll see right through me, as she already has.

Maybe it's time I revealed this secret. Or maybe I shouldn't meet with her. Either one would have serious implications.

I'm taking too long to answer, because Alex asks, "Casey? Are you still there?"

"Y-yeah," I manage to mutter stupidly. "Why do you want to talk about Rebecca?"

"Because I want you to tell me the truth," she tells me. "So if you want me to go out tonight with Olivia and Elliot, I want you to start talking to me."

"But you said you wouldn't pressure me into talking about anything I didn't want to…" I remind her, my voice small and timid.

"I did. But that was before Rebecca showed up at the park and you missed two days of work. I saw how scared of her you were, Casey. And I'm not dumb; I know it's awfully ironic for you to get sick around the time that happened."

She's right; I was a fool to think she'd believe it. Alex is highly intelligent and a good judge of character and when she wants something, she really puts her mind to it. Like now.

"Alex – "

"Relax, Casey. We'll just talk. I will just listen. I won't make you do anything – okay? But you need to talk about it. So let's go out tonight and have fun…and then we'll think about this tomorrow. Is that acceptable?"

I find myself nodding, even though I know Alex can't see it. That's the best thing to do, even though I already know I'll be thinking about it again way before tomorrow. In fact, I'm thinking about it now. But she said I didn't have to _do _anything. She's not going to make me take action. So that's okay…right?

Somehow I force myself to say, "Okay. Seven o'clock at the bar Stan's? I'll text you to confirm Olivia and Elliot can make it."

"Great. I look forward to it. Do you need a ride?"

"No; I'll take a taxi. See you then."

I quickly disconnect the call and take a moment to pull myself together before I call Olivia. My palms are sweating and I have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. What the hell did I just commit to?

I committed to scaring Alex away with my awful life, that's what. Losing her before she even got a chance to _really _know me.

All my enthusiasm for the rendezvous has left me. I have to force myself to pick up my phone and search my contacts list for Olivia's number. Amazingly, I still have it.

I take a deep breath, hold it, and then touch the call button. It starts to ring and with every ring my stomach clenches tighter and tighter until Olivia picks up.

"Benson." Her voice is professional and familiar, and gives no indication that she realizes the call is from a long lost friend.

It takes me a few seconds to pull myself together for a response. I stutter from my nerves before I'm able to say, "Olivia…hi. It's Casey. Casey Novak."

"Casey?" Her tone is a mixture of surprise what I think is happiness. "Oh my God, it's been too long! I'm so sorry we lost touch…how are you?"

This is awkward for me too. I hadn't realized it would be, but it is. We 'lost touch' because Olivia hadn't known what to say to me after my censure; and I'm pretty sure she still doesn't. This is going to be hard…but I have to do it for Alex.

"I'm okay," I lie. "I called to see if you and Elliot maybe wanted to go out tonight? I was thinking Stan's around seven? We could catch up. And I – have a surprise I think you will like."

"Sounds okay to me. I don't have to check with El; he owes me a favor. And he'll be happy to see you too. So yes, we can meet you there. What's the surprise?"

"You'll have to see," I tell her, my voice mysterious. "See you then."

* * *

When I walk into Stan's I'm immediately bombarded with noise and smoke. It's a shock to my system; I haven't gone out like this in so long that I need to get readjusted to it. I actually pause right inside the door and let my brain take the scene in.

Almost immediately I spot Olivia and Elliot seated at a booth on the left side of the bar. Nostalgia hits me; that's where we used to sit when I'd go out for drinks with the squad after a tough case. Elliot and Olivia are seated across from each other, and both have what looks like beers in front of them.

I approach slowly and awkwardly. I haven't seen them in nearly a year. My physical appearance hasn't changed, but I wonder if they'll notice that I'm not 'me' anymore? Will they see that sad emptiness inside my eyes that I see what I look in the mirror?

I can only walk so slow and all too soon I'm standing right next to the table. They both turn their heads at the same time, and both smile and rise to give me hugs. Olivia hugs me first. She squeezes me hard, and it hurts like hell. I actually have to hold my breath to keep from screaming or passing out. I have to hide the wince on my face as she breaks the embrace and allows Elliot his turn. And his hug is worse. He nearly breaks the rest of my ribs with his bear hug and I feel my face grow pale until he releases me and pulls away.

"It's so good to see you again, Casey!" Elliot gushes, motioning for me to sit down. He allows me to take a seat on his side, and he slides into the booth next to Olivia.

_Good. Then I can sit next to Alex, _is the thought that immediately pops into my head. Where did that come from?

Sitting down causes a huge wave of pain to grip me and my poor ribs are objecting to my current position greatly, but I manage to somehow be seated and I place my hands on the table. I'm trying not to let my face show how much pain I'm in or how nervous I'm feeling. I pray I can keep my poker face and my resolve doesn't betray me.

But I must let on a little, because Olivia's expression turns to concern and she asks, "Are you okay? You look like you're hurting."

I'm caught off-guard, so I say the first thing to comes to my mind – "Yeah. I have cramps." Olivia smiles knowingly, and immediately drops the subject. I feel myself relax.

I'm about to try and make small talk, when I see Alex approaching. I know she's more nervous than me, but you'd never guess it to look at her. She retains that serious purposeful stride as she saunters over to the table, smiling lightly and not a hair out of place. She's wearing a perfectly pressed pink blouse and very flattering blue jeans.

She marches right up to the table, wearing her classic Alex Cabot smirk, looks right at Olivia and Elliot, and says, "Okay – what did I miss?"

She says it so casually, as if all four of us do this every night. As if we all just came from the court house and are about to unwind. She immediately sits down beside me, her confidence never betraying her. Her posture and body language remain perfectly calm and collected as she looks between Olivia and Elliot, amused by the confused expression on their faces.

How does she stay so calm like that? I know she's scared to death…how in the world does she do this?!

Elliot and Olivia look like characters out of a cartoon. They both have their mouths hanging open, staring at Alex in shock. The ghost has returned. I can wheels turning in both their heads, trying to find the words to adequately express their shock.

Olivia finds them first. "Alex…I'm so happy to see you! When did you get back?"

I notice neither she nor Elliot rises to give Alex a hug the way they had for me. And the nick name 'Ice Queen' pops into my head. Alex probably never liked to show affection, especially to colleagues. It's strange…she had done it so easily with me the first time we had lunch.

The booth is small and I'm practically pressed right up against Alex's shoulder. The close proximity gives me goosebumps and every time I take a breath I'm inhaling that wonderful uniquely Alex Cabot perfume. All my troubles have left my mind. All I'm thinking about is here and now.

I expect Alex to falter while she explains when and why she came back, but she doesn't, not even for a second. She looks into my eyes and I nod at her to give her strength, and she just goes. She tells Olivia and Elliot everything about returning from Witness Protection and becoming Bureau Chief. Not once does she stutter or lose her thoughts, as I always do when I'm talking about my past or my censure.

I'm bursting with pride for Alex; she's doing wonderfully. I'm in complete amazement over this incredible woman.

Elliot and Olivia respectfully let Alex finish talking before either of them speaks. They're both wearing hurt expressions, which is to be expected; I'm sure they both feel as if Alex didn't trust them enough to confide in them that she was back.

"We're glad you're back and you're amazing as always…but to go a year without contacting us? I understand why, but still…it hurts a bit. We've been through a lot together. You could have trusted us," Elliot says, and I see Olivia nod in agreement.

This is where Alex needs me. Her calm and tough exterior crumbles a bit and she looks to me for assistance. It's clear she doesn't have much experience with apologies, but fortunately I do.

"I think I can offer some insight here," I interject. Alex smiles at me gratefully and I lean onto the table. That motion causes the pain in my ribs to flare up, but I ignore it and focus on the task at hand. "When your life has been completely turned upside down and re-arranged, be it by no fault of your own – or totally your fault – you feel like your life is over and it will never get better. You don't feel like you're 'you' anymore – you feel like a cardboard copy of your old self, an empty, soulless shell. You make decisions that the old you would never have made and associate yourself with people you would have crossed the road to avoid before. You can try to build your old life up around you again, but it's never the same. People you loved before are gone; it's too painful to talk to them because it only reminds you of what you used to have and you feel ashamed and unworthy of them. You can't go to places that you used to love because – as dumb as it sounds – you're afraid you'll run into the old 'you' there and your worlds will collide. So you just exist…every day. You put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay when in reality it's anything but. You want to reach out to those who used to care…but you can't. They're gone now, along with who you used to be." By the time I'm done with my little speech, I have tears in my eyes. I was meant to be offering an explanation for Alex, but instead I offered one for myself.

Elliot and Olivia are looking at with sympathetic expressions, obviously knowing I'm talking about myself. I'm embarrassed by the sudden attention and I look at the tabletop, only to be forced to look up seconds later when Alex places her hand over mine. I turn my head and stare into her caring, watery blue eyes. She squeezes my hand underneath hers. "Thank you, Casey," is all she says. That's all she _needs _to say.

Elliot and Olivia are watching our exchange and the need for a subject change is so great that Elliot asks in a joking manner, "Something you girls want to share?"

We both realize what he's implying at the same time and Alex removes her hand from mine. My face grows crimson red as I quickly deny it. "No! Of course not. We're just…friends. We met up not long ago at the restaurant where I work and we've been talking and hanging out."

I look at Alex, who looks nearly as uncomfortable as me, and she nods in agreement.

"Well, I never thought I'd see the day where Alex Cabot and Casey Novak were friends," Olivia adds with a smile. "I'm impressed."

I'm about to answer her with a sarcastic comment when an unsettling sight near the bar door catches my eyes.

It's Rebecca. She's strolling over to the table, a scowl on her face. I feel the blood drain for my face and my heart drop to my feet. She's supposed to be at work….I thought it was safe.

She comes up to the table and shatters our serene atmosphere with, "Casey Novak…what the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be at home."

She's furious. She's so mad that she's actually shaking. And she's taking a big chance; I can tell she's about to lose her temper in front of an audience this time.

"These are my friends," I croak out. I look at Alex, and find that Alex is scowling right back at her. "We're just – "

"I don't care what you're doing!" She makes a face at Alex. "And I already know _her_. I want you home now. We had plans tonight."

Not this again. And why is she behaving this way in front of so many people? She's going to incriminate herself this time. Is she really that heartless and stupid?

Alex is sitting on the outside of the booth, causing a protective barrier between me and my raging girlfriend. And she isn't at all intimidated. She casually flicks a napkin away and stares Rebecca down. "I think you'd better leave. I'm not letting Casey go with you this time."

I sneak a glance across the table at Elliot and Olivia, who are quickly piecing together what is going on. Elliot stands up and approaches Rebecca slowly. He catches my terrified expression, and this spurs him into action. "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Casey doesn't want to go with you."

He's careful not to touch her, but it still sets Rebecca off. She turns to him and lets him have it. "I didn't ask your opinion. I came here to collect my loser girlfriend, who has been running around with blondie here behind my back. She and I need to have a private conversation _alone_. So back off."

To my surprise, Alex stands up. It's clear she's not afraid of Rebecca in the least. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and gives her her best lawyer scowl. "Don't you _ever _call her a loser again."

Rebecca leans right into Alex and whispers to her, "Watch me."

I know I need to step in now. Olivia is up trying to help Elliot talk Rebecca down, and I know if I don't give Rebecca what she wants, she'll hurt Alex. So I shout "Stop!" and get up from the booth. My ribs are on fire again. It's nearly unbearable. Alex, Olivia and Elliot are all looking at me. "Just _stop,_" I repeat. "She's right – we do need to talk. And we can't do that here. So give us a minute."

"Casey, you are _not _going with her!" Alex practically screams at me.

I shake my head. "I'm not. We'll talk in the parking lot. But you guys have to stay in here."

Olivia and Elliot exchange glances, but finally nod and sit back down. Alex is much more reluctant to do so. "I'd feel better if one of us came with you…"

"Oh spare me, blondie!" Rebecca shouts at her. "I won't hurt my own girlfriend."

Wow is that ever a whooper of a lie! And Alex knows it. She swallows harshly and looks at me. "Five minutes. Come back inside or I'm coming out after you."

I know she means it. So I turn to Rebecca and motion for her to follow me outside. And as soon as we're out the door, she starts in.

"I have desire to yell at you here…we're going back to your place," she tells me, roughly grabbing my arm.

I've had enough – I can't take this anymore. Seconds ago I was sitting with people who care about me, feeling warm and special. And now I'm staring into Rebecca's cold eyes again, and I decide it's for the last time.

"I don't think so, Rebecca. We're through. I'm done being your little punching bag. Those people inside the bar care about me. _You _don't. You're a user and a thief. You like to hurt me because it's fun. But you don't get to any more. I'm walking away from you. Go find another victim, because it won't be any more."

I turn away from her to go back inside, but she grabs me again, holding my right arm in a tight, painful grip. "I guess the beating I gave you wasn't enough, huh? Don't you ever learn, Casey? Don't you realize what I want?"

"I don't care what you want!" I scream at her, the volume of my voice causing a few people in the parking lot to look in my direction. It's clear I'm in distress and I expect someone to come over and help me…but no one does.

"I get that you don't," Rebecca whispers in my ear. "But you know better than to leave me. I won't let anyone else have you."

Then I say the words that push her over the edge – "Fuck you, Rebecca. You're a sorry excuse for a human being."

I elbow her in the stomach and she lets go of me for a split second. I think I'm free and start to run towards the building, only to have her grab me again. She's much stronger than me. She has my arm in a vice grip now, but I think I can twist away from her. I try to, and she yanks my arm the opposite way – and I hear it snap. Just like that. Pain immediately shoots up my entire arm and I cry out in surprise and pain.

Rebecca starts to laugh. "Aw. Bummer, Casey. I broke your arm."

I'm so enraged that I want to fight back this time, but I can't move my arm and I have no hitting strength in my left arm. I stand there struggling to catch my breath and holding my throbbing arm. "You're evil," I manage to get out between clenched teeth.

"Maybe. But I'm only getting started."

She raises her foot and kicks me in the stomach again, and it's finally too much for me to bear. I fall onto the concrete, crying. That jarred my broken ribs and my arm hurts and I'm angry and just want this all to go away. I roll into a ball as I hear a man's voice shout, "Hey – leave her alone!"

I hear footsteps running towards me, and someone crouches down beside me. I feel someone's hands on my shoulder, but I cower away from them. I'm crying so hard I can't see straight, but the person beside me says, "We'll get you help, ma'am…stay put."

Then I hear yet another voice say, "Where did she go? Did she take off?" and I know they're talking about Rebecca.

I lie there unmoving and crying for several seconds until I hear another – and this time familiar – voice. "Oh my God! Casey!"

Alex is beside me in a second, sitting down on the concrete next to me. That's right – Alex Cabot is sitting on hard, dirty concrete. She pulls my head into her lap and gently strokes my hair as I continue to sob. "It's okay; I've got you. Everything is all right. I'm here, Casey."

Everything is all right – because Alex Cabot said so.

**So...what did you think of what happened? Like? Dislike? And no, the story isn't over yet - I have a lot planned for it. Any predictions? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry about the slight cliffhanger on the last chapter :) Hope this chapter makes up for it. Thanks of course to my loyal readers! Glad you are liking this so far. Enjoy the chapter**

"Okay, Casey, I think you're all set. The cast has to stay on for six weeks. We'll get a prescription for pain and you can be on your way. There may be a small wait; we're busy tonight. In the meantime, it shouldn't take long for the pill you had to take effect."

I nod at the doctor as he leaves the room, and I look down at the cast on my arm. I have what is called a spiral fracture in my right arm, and the cast extends from just below my elbow all the way up to nearly my wrist, and my arm is in a sling to keep it from unwanted movements. The cast is heavy and uncomfortable and my arm is throbbing.

Everything that happened outside the bar is kind of a blur. After Rebecca broke my arm and kicked me again, she took off. I was lying in the parking lot in pain until Alex came out and found me. Within seconds Elliot and Olivia were there as well, and Alex had screamed at them to call an ambulance.

But I hadn't wanted an ambulance. I had begged Alex to drive me to the hospital herself, and she did so after some reluctance, with Olivia and Elliot following behind. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, even though I know it _is _a big deal. Rebecca is past the point of being just abusive – she's seriously hurting me now. She knows I've ended things with her. So she escalated the abuse.

The broken ribs were bad enough – I should have gone to the hospital after that occurred. But the broken arm now too? That's the last straw. This has to end. I can't do this anymore. I've kept it inside for too long, remained Rebecca's victim for far longer than I should have.

And look where it's gotten me – my right arm in a cast for six weeks and my ribs wrapped up tightly. The X-ray showed I have three broken ribs but luckily no internal damage, so the doctor wrapped me up like a mummy and told me to take it easy and let them heal for at least six weeks. Aren't I lucky? Six weeks on the arm and six weeks on the ribs.

I won't be able to work. Full use of my arm is required for my job. My boss won't be able to go six weeks without someone doing my job; he'll have to replace me. I'll have to find another job when I'm healed.

And what about money? What am I going to? How am I going to pay my rent? And I'm without insurance right now…what about my medical bills?

This is my fault for letting Rebecca do this to me for so long; for letting it get so bad. I'm sitting here in pain and going to be without income and be evicted from my apartment because I was too much of a coward to do anything about Rebecca hurting me. I should have stopped it before now. I really _am _useless and pathetic.

My stupidity ruined Alex's reunion with Olivia and Elliot. We were all supposed to be having fun right now. Catching up and reliving old times. Alex was supposed to be enjoying being with her gang again, and now, because of me, we're in all this drab hospital instead of out having fun.

"Casey – are you okay?" Alex asks, getting up from the chair she's sitting in and coming over to sit next to me on the examining table. She places her hand on my back and smiles at me, and I instantly feel better. Her smile is so warm and caring; I'm so glad she's here. "You look pale. Dr. Stone is getting you something for the pain."

"I know. I'm okay. I'm just…thinking."

Alex knows exactly what happened to me. I didn't even have to tell her. All she'd said to Elliot and Olivia was that she would explain later, and as far as I know, they're both sitting in the waiting room right now. Probably horribly confused about what just happened.

After I'd begged Alex not to call the ambulance or the police, she didn't push me about it in the car at all. All she said was that we would discuss it later, and she drove extra slowly and carefully on the way to the hospital, as so not to jar my aching arm or ribs. And she even ran inside and got me a wheelchair when we arrived.

She's been wonderful. She filled out my admittance forms for me, since I'm right-handed. When it was taking too long for me to be seen, she had gone into Alex Cabot mode and taken care of that. And best of all, she hasn't left my side once since I've been here. Just having her here and knowing that she cares makes all the difference to me right now.

But then she says, "Casey…before we leave…you know you have to file a police report. We'll talk to Olivia and Elliot, and they'll call someone in. You can't let Rebecca get away with this. She could have killed you tonight."

I turn my head away from Alex in shame. "She didn't even come close to killing me, Alex. I'm fine."

"No you're not, Casey. You have broken ribs and a broken arm! And the doctor said your ribs were broken before tonight. She did that to you the night we were rollerblading, didn't she? After she came and got you? That's why you went a few days without calling me." I hear Alex swallow harshly but I can't bring myself to look at her. "I shouldn't have let you go with her that night. I knew something was wrong. This is my fault."

Those words make me turn my head and look at Alex. Her intense blue eyes are shining with tears and I can read regret all over her face. My heart does a flip-flop; this isn't her fault! I chose to go with Rebecca. It's mine! All she's done is been my friend…I can't let her think that.

"It isn't your fault, Alex. I have free will. I chose to go with her."

"I should have stopped you. I knew; I just knew. And when you didn't call me after…God, I'm so sorry Casey!"

She has to stop. I can't take this. I can't take _any _of this. Alex is my only friend in the world and she's blaming herself for me being here when it's no one's fault but my own. She's guilt-stricken and practically crying. Way to go, Casey. You really are filth for making this wonderful woman feel that way.

I close my eyes and turn my head away from her. "Please stop, Alex. Please."

Alex puts her hand on my back again. By pure instinct I start to flinch away this time, but she doesn't give up. She keeps her hand there and starts to rub small circles, and I relax into her touch. I allow myself to be comforted by it.

After several seconds, Alex whispers, "How long has this been going on, Casey?"

I decide in that split second that I can't lie to Alex anymore. She knows the truth anyway; would good would lying do?

"Since about the second week of us dating," I tell her, my voice dripping with shame. "We've been going out for about six months."

Alex sighs. She's disappointed in me; I know it. She lets out a breath and asks, "She's been abusing you for six months?"

Her tone is concerned yet accusatory, and I find myself finding excuses for Rebecca, even though I know that's wrong. "Well she didn't do it every day. And it was my fault for allowing it to continue. I haven't been the easiest person to be around after my censure…I'm lucky I got anybody. I – I – "

"If you finish that sentence with the words 'I deserved it', then I'll know you've been brainwashed. You don't deserve to be abused, Casey. And you're not at fault here at all. You know from working sex crimes that it's hard for a victim to come forward about any type of abuse; and you know that isn't their fault. The only person that's to blame is the abuser. Whatever Rebecca has said to you to make you feel like you deserve this, it's _not _true. Casey Novak is a wonderful person who doesn't deserve any type of abuse in her life. And I'm her friend, and I want to help her. So talk to me – tell me what she's done to you, besides this."

And just like that – with that kind passage from Alex – the flood gates open. I tell Alex _everything _– about how depressed I've been since my censure, my feelings of worthlessness, Rebecca's physical and mental abuse, about how she stole my debit card on more than one occasion and overdrew my checking account numerous time, how she stole money from me and stole my TV and laptop. I tell her how I'm going to lose my apartment now without income, and I tell her how Rebecca always told me I was "trash" and "filth" and how I knew she was right but I couldn't do anything to stop it.

And when I've finished talking, I'm crying. Hysterical crying, which leaves me struggling to catch my breath. It hurts so much to cry like this, yet I can't seem to stop. The relief that it's all off my chest and out in the open coupled with the fact that I just told someone who cares about me makes me feel immensely better.

Alex lets me cry myself out, moving her hand from my back to around my shoulders. I'm not doing my ribs any favors by crying, but I ignore the pain they're causing me. I'm used to pain anyway. The pain will pass…but part of me wishes this moment wouldn't. Despite my pain and my sorrow, right now at this instant I feel secure and loved. Alex has her arm around and me and she's whispering that it's okay and she's going to make it better, and I'm not arguing with her. I lean my head against her shoulder and allow her words and touch to envelope me in comfort and warmth. I need this right now.

My tears slowly begin to subside yet Alex still holds me, promising to not let go until I'm ready. I wonder if this is what it's like to have a girlfriend who loves you. If you feel this kind of warmth and comfort from them. Alex would be the perfect girlfriend. She's going to make some man very happy someday.

I never felt anything like this from Rebecca. Her care and concern was fake, and the only words she ever spoke to me were to ridicule or make fun.

"Casey, what Rebecca did is unacceptable. You should not have had to live through even a minute of that torture. No one deserves that type of abuse, but you are least deserving because I know what a nice, compassionate person you really are. It wasn't the censure that made you hate yourself; it was Rebecca. You were already in a low place and she took advantage of that. She could see you were vulnerable and she fed off that. You know how abusers work, Casey. They seek out the weakest of prey and attack full force. You were at your weakest when she came into your life. She started to control every aspect of your life and you let her do it because in your mind you weren't good enough to do it yourself. You believed the vicious cruel words she spoke to you and you took the mental and physical abuse she dished out because you thought it was what you deserved for being you. But it's not true. I see who you _really _are. Casey Novak is a fighter. Casey Novak is strong and intelligent and she's better than this. And she's going rise about what's happened to her and realize what a wonderful person she really is. And I'm going to help her."

By the time Alex is done speaking, my tears have dried up. I'm still leaning against her shoulder and I listen carefully, taking in every word and keeping it in my heart. Alex believes in me. She sees something in me worth bringing out. Maybe I'm not so hopeless after all.

"My life is a mess, Alex. _I'm _a mess," I tell her, as if she couldn't already figure that out.

"That's okay. I'm really good at cleaning up messes." I lift my head off her shoulder and find her staring at me with those beautiful blue eyes and smiling. "And I _am_ going to help you, Casey." She picks up my hand, and I nearly have to hold my breath. Her hand inside mine feels _wonderful. _"The first step to making this better and moving on is filing a police report against Rebecca. You _know _it's the right thing. You can't let her get away with this."

I inhale sharply and hold my breath. I don't want Rebecca to get away with it either; but I can't file a police report. It will enrage her even more than she already is, and I know what she's capable of. She'll find me wherever I am, and she'll come after Alex too.

"I can't, Alex."

"Why?"

How do I explain this to her? How do I tell the most intelligent woman in the world that I can't file a report and press charges against the woman that's abused me for six months and almost killed me because I'm _scared_ to? As true as it is, how is that not the most ridiculous thing in the entire world?

I struggle to come up with an answer, and then Alex beats me to it. "You're scared? Is that it?"

I can't bring myself to look at her. I just nod.

She puts her hand on my back again and I feel that surge of care and strength go through me again. "It's okay to be scared. But we'll be here for you. Me, Olivia, Elliot…we won't let anything happen. Elliot and Olivia can call someone and I'll sit right next to while you give your statement if you want. We can do it here, my apartment, the station…wherever you want."

"I can't do it, Alex. I can't." I finally bring myself to look at her. "Please understand?"

Alex stares at me for a minute, and I swear I see mild disappointment in her eyes, which makes my heart fall to my feet. Then she says, "Rebecca needs to pay. You need to do this, Casey. She'll do it someone else."

I know she will. She'll eventually move on and assume another innocent victim and some other girl will be in my place. I know it, and it's not fair. But right now she's still out there, and I'm still her victim. I ended things with her, but she still has control over me. I'm still in a victim's state of mind.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I can't."

Alex closes her eyes and shakes her head. "So what are you going to do? Go back to your apartment and let her come beat you up some more? I know you ended it with her, but do you really think she's going to go away? She'll be back. She'll give it to your worse next time. You need to file a report and put her in jail, get a restraining order. I'll make sure she doesn't get bail and is charged with the maximum allowable charges. I know this is hard, Casey, but you aren't alone."

I keep my eyes on the wall in front of me when I answer once again, "I can't."

Alex is quick with a comeback. "You're making a huge mistake."

"Well, then it's my mistake to make. It won't be my first one," I almost snap at her. I don't mean for it to come out sounding so harsh, but I'm getting upset. Why won't Alex understand? "And I'm not going back to my apartment…I can't afford to stay there anyway since I'm going to be off work. I'll go to a hotel."

The voice of reason comes back with, "And how will you afford the hotel?"

Good point. That's shot down. "I'll stay with my parents. They'll be happy to have something else to lecture me about."

"So let me get this straight…Rebecca does," Alex gestures at me, "_this _to you, and you're just going to let her walk away? She puts you out of work and out of your apartment, and you're going to let her get away with it? I feel for you, Casey, I really do, but you can't do this. You're going to come stay with me. I have a guest bedroom. I have high security in my building as you know, so there's no chance that Rebecca will get to you. You're not going to work; you're going to rest and heal. When the time comes we'll figure out something for you, but in the meantime you're going to stay with me. I'll accept no refusals or arguments. We'll go directly to my place from here, and Elliot and Olivia are going to come and convince you to press charges. Do you understand?"

I don't want to be a burden to her, and I don't want her focusing her energy or attention on me. But what can I say? She's using that serious Alex Cabot tone on me. And I know realistically that I can't go back to my apartment. So I find myself saying, "Okay. But they won't convince me; my mind is made up."

Thankfully Alex decides not to dwell on the subject at the moment. A few minutes after we wrap our conversation, a nurse comes into the room. She gives us a smile and apologizes for the wait, then proceeds to give me my prescription and discharge papers. By now I'm more than ready to leave this sterile, drab place. I'm feeling the effects of the medication I've already had, and starting to feel tired and sluggish.

I walk with Alex back into the waiting room, where Olivia and Elliot are still waiting. I'm actually touched by that; we've been at the hospital more than three hours and it's after ten PM. They really didn't need to wait.

"Are you okay?" are the first words out of Olivia's mouth, and she looks at me with deep concern.

"I'm okay. I'm so sorry for ruining everyone's night," I rush out, feeling complete guilt that Elliot and Olivia wasted their entire evening on me.

"Casey, stop," Alex warns me. "It's okay. None of us are mad. We can all go out again."

I nod, feeling uncomfortable with everyone's eyes on me. I wonder just how much Elliot and Olivia knows about my situation. I'm guessing not much, as Alex didn't tell them anything when they came out of the bar. They're probably full of questions.

I spot a bathroom across the hall and excuse myself to go use it before we leave, only to have Alex stop me before I get two feet away. She catches my good arm and looks in my eyes. "Casey, wait. I have to let them know what's going on. You don't have to do anything tonight, but tomorrow morning you do need to give a statement. Elliot and Liv can help. Can I tell them?"

What choice do I have? There is no other explanation for me having a broken arm and broken ribs after I spoke to my girlfriend in the parking lot. Elliot and Olivia have worked with victims for years; they'll figure it out anyway. So I nod at Alex, giving her my consent. Then I turn and start back towards the bathroom again.

"Casey – do you need any help in there?"

The question causes my face to grow a deep shade of crimson and I vigorously shake my head without turning around. Do I need any help in the bathroom? Uh, no. I can manage; even with a broken arm. There are some things Alex doesn't need to see.

I take an extra long time in the bathroom, not just because it's hard to be one-handed and my ribs are still screaming, but because I want to allow enough time for Alex to give Elliot and Olivia the condensed version of my story. It would be too awkward for me to walk in on the middle of it.

Finally, when I'm worried that Alex will come to check on me if I take any longer, I venture out of the bathroom and approach my friends slowly.

Olivia and Elliot are still seated and Alex has her back to me, busily talking away to them. Their eyes are intensely locked on Alex and no one notices me until I'm nearly standing right behind Alex.

I feel like an outsider right now. One of those victims I felt sorry for when I worked as ADA for Special Victims Unit. I'd look at their case file and think to myself, "That poor thing. There are a lot of monsters out there." I never thought it would be me. I never thought I'd be the 'poor thing'.

Olivia notices me first, and she smiles warmly and stands up to give me a hug. I can tell she's really emotional but is doing a pretty good job holding herself together. She always feels so much compassion for victims. She's careful when she hugs me, being mindful of my broken ribs.

"I'm so sorry for what you had to go through, Casey. We're all here for you," she says, before she lets me go and smiles at me again. I see unshed tears in her eyes, and then it's Elliot's turn to hug me. He echoes Olivia's sentiment and releases me a few seconds later.

I know they mean well, but the attention is making me feel uncomfortable. I can't look any of them in the eyes – they all _know_.

Alex notices how uncomfortable I've grown and jumps to the rescue. She touches my shoulder. "Okay, we're going to go pick up that prescription and then go back to my place. You need some rest. Then Olivia and Elliot are coming by in the morning to talk more about Rebecca."

My face burns red again and I look away. "Alex, I told you – "

"No, Casey. You_ have_ to do this. We'll let you get some rest tonight, but tomorrow we are dealing with this. Okay?"

I nod solemnly, knowing deep inside that I don't have a choice.

Olivia then reaches for my shoulder, but unlike Alex's, her touch makes me flinch. She seems surprised at first, but then gives me a small easy smile. "It's okay, Case. We'll get you through this. Get a good night's sleep and we'll see you tomorrow."

Elliot and Olivia then say goodbye to me and Alex, and the next thing I know I'm heading out of the hospital with Alex towards her car, listening to her talk about how things are going to get better for me.

I really wish I could believe her.

* * *

After nearly an hour's wait at the pharmacy, I'm finally back at Alex's apartment. By now I'm exhausted, but Alex is somehow remaining unusually cheerful for after eleven PM at night. She introduced me to her nighttime doorman as "her friend Casey who will be her roommate for a while" and then had shepherded me into the elevator and into her apartment as if I'm some sort of precious stone that needs to be indoors and tucked into bed before midnight. And I was too exhausted to object with her extra attention, so I simply allowed it.

And now I'm watching Alex turn down the sheets on the bed in her guest bedroom for me. I'm standing there watching her, wearing an old t-shirt she found for me in her closet. She has everything all set up – there's a glass of water on the nightstand along with a pill for the nighttime in case I wake up in pain, and she's put the remote control for the TV there too in case I can't sleep. The TV in this guest bedroom is bigger than the TV I had at my apartment.

"I just washed these sheets last week. I had a cousin stay with me for a few days. So they are nice and clean for you." Alex turns towards the bed and looks at me. "I'll leave the door open. That is, if you don't mind. My room is just down the hall, so if you need anything you can just shout at me. I'm a light sleeper. And you know where the bathroom is…I'm trying to think if there's anything else…"

"I'll be fine, Alex. Really. I'm not dying." I go over and sit on the bed. A surge of pain from my ribs hits me and I wince. I really can't wait to lie down. It's been a long, awful day.

She steps away from the bed, sensing that I'm ready to turn in and done talking for the day. "Okay. I'm sorry. Olivia and Elliot will be here around nine. I'm taking a personal day tomorrow so we can get this all taken care of."

My neck snaps up and I look at her in shock. Alex Cabot taking a day off? For _me_? There's _no way _I'm allowing that. "Alex, no! Don't take a day off for me. And that reminds me, I have to call my boss in the morning too. Let him know I'm not working tomorrow night…or any time soon."

"Nonsense. I'm taking the day. Do you have any idea how many personal days I have racked up? The place can operate without me for one day. You're more important."

_You're more important. _Only three words, but they make me feel like a million dollars. Alex thinks I'm more important than her job. I didn't think I was important at all. I thought I was the most insignificant thing on this planet.

I'm too tired to argue with Alex. I just nod and carefully take the sling off my arm, then I climb into bed, savoring the feel of the silk sheets and nice comfortable mattress. Alex smiles at me and switches on the bedside lamp, then turns out the overhead light. Ah, semi-darkness; it's wonderful.

Alex hovers by the bed. "So do you have everything you need? Want me to get you anything else?"

I shake my head. "I'm good. But I do need to go to my apartment tomorrow and get some of my things. And I need to let my super know that I won't be able to make the rent after this month…"

"Don't worry about that. I told you that you can stay here. We'll take care of it. And don't be scared for tomorrow, okay? We'll get this Rebecca thing resolved. And Olivia or Elliot can take you back to your apartment to get your stuff; you're not going alone."

Since the overhead light is out and I'm lying down, my eyes are growing heavy and sleep is calling me. I manage a nod at Alex to let her know I heard her. Then she switches out the bedside lamp and tells me softly, "Good night, Casey. Everything will be okay now."

I hear her footsteps retreating out of the room, but I'm fast asleep before she's even out the door.

* * *

Despite being exhausted, I don't sleep much. My arm and ribs keep me up practically all night. The medication helps, but not a lot. I can't get into a comfortable position. It hurts to sleep on my right side, it hurts to sleep on my left side, it hurts to sleep on my stomach, and I can't sleep on my back. And every move I make seems to make the aching in my arm worse.

After my fourth time of waking up, I gently close the bedroom door and turn on the lamp. I don't want to wake Alex. If she really is a light sleeper, she'll hear me stirring about and be in here fussing over me in a flash.

I turn on the TV, but quickly mute it and turn on the closed captioning. I need to be as quiet as possible. This is Alex's apartment and I don't want to disturb her sleep or her routine. It's bad enough she's taking a day off tomorrow because of me.

I've been here less than eight hours, but I already feel safer. I have no fear of Rebecca bursting in and screaming at me or hurting me. The words I heard before I fell asleep were kind and positive. It's different than what I've grown used to. I could live like this every day.

I watch old sitcom reruns until a little before seven, then I decide to get up. I'm not sure how early Alex rises on a day she doesn't have to work. I usually sleep in. But somehow Alex doesn't seem like a "sleep in" type of girl. So I decide I'll surprise her by making breakfast.

I wonder into her kitchen and go to work trying to familiarize myself with it. Her set up is different than mine, and her appliances newer and a lot nicer. Her kitchen doesn't look like it's used much and within several minutes I've located what I need to make French toast. She has to like French toast; everyone does.

Trying to cook one-handed is quite a feat, and something I deserve an award for. I'm able to use my right hand, but lifting my arm or trying to pick anything up is out of the question. So because of this, it takes me three times longer to make French toast than it should.

As I'm just finishing up, a groggy voice from behind me demands, "What the heck are you doing?"

I turn around to see Alex standing there. And her appearance nearly makes me burst out laughing. The usually well-composed Alex Cabot is wearing pink silk pajamas, and her hair is messy and sticking up in several places. And she has that distinct groggy look in her eyes, indicating she's not quite awake.

I give her a smile and turn back to my toast. "I'm making breakfast. It's the least I could do for you letting me stay here."

Alex approaches me and looks at the toast I've got going in her frying pan. She practically rests her chin on my shoulder to have a look, and her close proximity sends a chill through my body. I selfishly wish she would touch me. Suddenly I find myself unable to think of anything else.

"You didn't have to do this, and you shouldn't be," Alex says, a hint of disbelief in her voice. "But I must say, that does smell good."

"I just assumed you like French toast. And I like cooking; so it's okay."

"Well, I don't think this room has ever been used for that purpose," Alex says with a laugh. "At least not since I've lived here. I always just make coffee and grab breakfast on the way to work."

"Don't like to cook, huh?"

"More like I _can't_ cook," Alex corrects me. "I have a cooking disability. Everything I make either turns out horribly or burns. It's quite the handicap for someone who lives alone. Or used to live alone."

_Used to live alone. Used to. _She means me. She's talking about _me_ being here.

I'm suddenly very flustered and not sure what to say to her. All I manage is, "Well, I like to cook. So while I'm here, you'll have plenty of good, home cooked meals."

That was stupid, Casey! Good, home cooked meals? That sounds…domestic. Nice choice of words.

Alex moves over to the fridge and gets out a carton of orange juice and sets the table. Orange juice is not my favorite breakfast beverage (I prefer milk) but I'm too polite to say anything. I put the finishing touches on the French toast, then I have to have Alex help me fix up the plates.

I smile at her as she makes our plates. "Thanks for helping out a cripple. You're kind, madam."

She smiles back. "Of course."

A few minutes later we're seated at her kitchen table, enjoying a nice breakfast together and chatting like old friends. Neither of us mentions Olivia or Elliot coming over, or what is going to happen today. For the short amount of time both us are seated and having a good breakfast and a good time, it doesn't matter. I'm not thinking about Rebecca or my pain or what I know I have to do. I'm thinking about this wonderful friend I have and how lucky I am that she has offered me a safe place to stay.

When we finish breakfast I start to clear the table and load the dishwasher, but Alex insists she do it and banishes to the bathroom so I can shower and get ready for the day. I take two of my pain pills before I head that way, and thankfully Alex has a spare unused toothbrush so I'm able to brush my teeth before jumping in the shower. And let me tell you, showering with broken ribs and a broken arm combined is not only difficult, but also _torture_. Every move I make seems to have my body objecting to me, and by the time I've finished shampooing my hair and washing my body, I feel like I've been beat up all over again.

I put on the clothes I wore yesterday and hastily towel dry my hair one-handed before putting the arm sling back on and emerging from the bathroom to find Alex. I walk by her bedroom and hear the sound of water running, and I conclude she's probably showering in the bathroom off her bedroom. And probably having an easier time than I did.

I flop down on Alex's very nice (and probably very expensive) black leather couch and stare blankly at the TV. Now everything is hitting me – I'm in pain and I'm thinking about what I'm about to embark on. Elliot and Olivia are going to be here in less than two hours. They – along with Alex – will corner me about Rebecca until I agree to press charges.

I know it's the right thing to do, and something I _have _to do…but I don't know if I can.

When Alex comes out of her bathroom, the first thing I notice is how flawless she looks. She's dressed causal as she isn't working today – in blue jeans and a white button-down blouse. Her hair is absolutely perfect; completely dry without a single hair out of place. Her makeup is nicely done. Even in the morning, the woman is perfect.

She sits down a few feet from me on the couch. "How did you sleep last night?"

"All right," I lie. My mind is being occupied with thoughts of what is going to happen, and so my response is less-than cheerful.

She's staring at the black screen on the TV too, and decides to turn it on as an icebreaker. She flips through the channels and settles on the news. "We might as well watch this. Find out what kind of craziness went on in this city while we were asleep. You know, when I was ADA, I used to have this thing where I couldn't watch the morning news before I went to work. I didn't know want to know about what kind of new cases I was going to see that day."

Alex deserves a response other than a smirk, but it's all I can give her. I'm growing increasing nervous about the day. I have a bad feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

I think Alex can sense my apprehension. She sighs and turns towards me. "Casey…I want you to know that you didn't ruin anything last night. You allowed me to break the ice with Olivia and Elliot. I couldn't have faced them for the first time alone, and I'm glad it was you there with me. You gave me a lot of support. Thank you, Casey."

I force myself to look at her with a smile. "You're welcome."

Alex doesn't get a chance to respond. Her buzzer goes off, and she has to get up to answer it. I hear the doorman's voice come through, "Miss Cabot, I have an Olivia Benson here. Can I send her up?"

"Yes, please do. Thank you."

I feel myself stiffen. Olivia is here, and she's early. She probably planned it with Alex this way; get to me early and convince me so by the time Elliot arrives I'm set to take action against Rebecca.

Alex comes over and stands by the couch again. "Casey, just remember, we're all your friends. We're just going to talk first. I want you to listen to Olivia before you refuse to press charges again. Okay? Just hear her out. And remember that you're staying here and it's safe, and we won't let her hurt you again."

I know she's right. I know this is a safe place and everything will work out if I let it, but I just can't shake the awful feeling of dread that resides within me right now.

Soon there's a knock at the door, and before I know it, Olivia is in the apartment. She and Alex greet each other kindly, and without even any lead-up to it, all attention is on me. Olivia and Alex sitting on either side of me on the couch, making me feel trapped and exposed. I know this has to happen, but I'm not prepared for it.

"Elliot will be here in a bit. But I wanted to talk to you first – " Olivia starts.

But I cut her off with, "You know what, I need some stuff from my apartment. Fresh clothes and some toiletries. I had to put my clothes from yesterday back on."

It's an aversion tactic, and both Alex and Olivia know it. I'm trying to avoid and skirt the issue at hand. I do need some items from my apartment, but not at this very moment.

"We'll get your stuff later, Casey. I promise. But first we need to talk," Alex says gently.

"No; I want to get it now." I can feel myself becoming emotional and worked up. "We can talk when Elliot gets here…please let me go get my stuff. There are some things I need."

Olivia and Alex look at each other and Olivia says, "I can take her to her apartment and go inside with her. Maybe it would be best to wait for Elliot."

I feel myself relax. At least I'm going to put it off for a little while. That is, if Alex agrees to it.

And she doesn't seem too thrilled by the idea. "I don't see why you can't wait, Casey. This is important."

Olivia answers for me. "I think I should take her by her apartment. It will be okay, Alex. Don't worry."

She says it in the tone of voice that translates to '_I know victims; it's best to give them what they want if you want to get anything out of them'. _I can almost hear her sending that message telepathically to Alex.

I watch Alex closely. She relents, but not happily. She gives this sort of half-smile and gets up off the couch. "Okay. Go ahead. I'll make coffee while you guys are gone." I can't be sure, but I think she's upset with me. And I can't really blame her.

"Coffee sounds good," Olivia says, a little too cheerfully. "We won't take long." She stands up as well and eyes me. "Are you ready, Casey?"

I nod, and with a lot of pain, I manage to put my shoes on.

I'm ready. As ready as I'll ever be.

* * *

We go directly to my apartment building without stopping. Olivia does most of the talking on the way over. She talks about what she's been up to since my censure and fills me in on Elliot's family and the recent antics of his kids. She doesn't mention Rebecca; I think she thinks it would be better to speak to me normally and try to get my mind off what's going on.

And to tell you the truth, I welcome the distraction. I listen politely and interject here and there when I find it necessary.

And all too soon we've parked in the parking garage and are on my way inside my building. That feeling of dread is a huge knot in my stomach now. I know I'm safe – Olivia is here, and she's on duty so she has her gun. But still…

"Do you want to talk to your super now, or after you get your stuff?" Olivia asks as we get into the elevator.

"After."

"Will you get a security deposit back?"

"I doubt it. My lease isn't up for a few more months so I'm sure he'll use it for rent."

The elevator doors open on my floor and we go to my apartment in silence. I unlock the door and let us in, realizing I left my lights on. What a waste of electricity. Should look awesome on the electric bill.

Olivia looks around my sparse apartment, but doesn't say a word about it. She simply smiles at me to show support and says, "Do you have a suitcase or bag for your clothes?"

"I have a duffel bag that I used when I was on the softball team. I can use that. I need some stuff from the bathroom too."

Olivia nods, and I see her looking around the apartment some more. I appreciate she's being too polite to comment on it.

I start down the hall, but Olivia stops me. "Wait. I need to check the bedroom first. Just for safety. Stay here."

She disappears down the hall and I stand cemented in the place, watching her go inside my bedroom.

And then a voice from the kitchen door says, "Casey…"

I spin around, and find Rebecca lingering in the doorway to the kitchen. She has a sad expression on her face, but fear still grips me and I take several steps back. She comes into the living room. "It's okay…I just want to talk…"

"Well I don't want to talk," I rush out quickly.

I can feel my heart rate picking up as I desperately look down the hall, and to my relief, see Olivia almost running towards me. "Casey – who are you - " She stops mid-sentence when she sees Rebecca standing there, and immediately goes into full cop mode. "You! Get away from Casey! Get out of this apartment, or I'll arrest you!"

Rebecca looks at Olivia, then at me. "I – I won't hurt her. I will leave, I promise. I just want to say a few words to her first. I'm really sorry…"

"You aren't sorry," Olivia barks at her. "People like you are never sorry. _Look _at her! You broke her arm. You broke several of her ribs. You've mentally and physically abused her…what makes you think she _wants _to talk to you?"

Rebecca flat-out ignores Alex. Her undivided attention is on me. "Casey…I never meant to hurt you that badly. I am so sorry…please let me explain…"

I'm not only scared to death right now, but I'm also angry. _Furious_. I didn't think it was possible to feel both of those emotions at once, but I am. And I decide to give into anger voice. Somehow I find the courage to speak. "There is no explanation, Rebecca! I told you we're through. You're abusive and mean and I'm done being your victim. I told you that, and I certainly haven't changed my mind. You've made me feel like crap every single day I have been with you. You took away the small amount of pride I had left in myself and you broke my spirits. You ruined my life, Rebecca. I don't want to hear your explanations. I just want you _gone_."

Olivia allows me to say my piece before speaking again. "You heard her. _Get out_."

Rebecca is staring at Olivia sadly and for a moment I think she's going to comply and simply turn and leave the apartment. But instead she says my name again, and takes a step towards me.

And something inside me snaps. I've been in this situation too many times, and I've allowed her to win each time. She's not winning this time.

Out of fear and pure reflex, I grab the lamp off the stand by the couch. In one motion I rip the cord out of the outlet, and raise it above my head. Then without a second thought, I bring it down over Rebecca's head as hard as I can. She immediately goes down, and smacks the side of her head very hard on the edge of my coffee table before she lies on the floor, motionless.

I stare at the lamp in my hand, blinking in disbelief. I can't believe what I have just done. And with my left hand…how was I able to do that?

I start to shake, and I drop the lamp as Olivia bends down to check on Rebecca. She says she's breathing, but she's unconscious. I see a puddle of blood forming underneath her head; she obviously cracked it on the coffee table.

Everything seems to be going in slow motion as Olivia stands back up and approaches me slowly. I back up until my back hits the wall, and then I burst into tears. I hadn't meant to hit her that hard…I hadn't meant to hit her at all!

I try to tell Olivia that, but all that comes out is sobs. Olivia reaches out to try and hug me, but I won't let her. I'm inconsolable right now.

"It will be okay, Casey," Olivia says quickly, right before she pulls out her phone and calls for an ambulance. She gives them my address and I hear her request a specific officer and say, "It's a domestic violence situation. I'm with the repeated victim."

When she disconnects the call she tells me to stay calm while she calls Alex to let her know what happened. I'm not even aware of Olivia calling her.

The only thing I'm aware of is that I just made this situation much, much worse.

**Uh-oh. What do you think about the way it ended? I know, I know, another cliffhanger...sorry! But did you like the chapter? Do you think Casey's actions spell trouble for her? And how badly hurt do you think Rebecca is? Any predictions? Please review and let me know what you think of the chapter!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow! Lots of readers already and it's only chapter 8! Thanks guys. So glad you are enjoying this. Have a lot planned for it. Enjoy this installment :)**

Everything that is happening now is like a blur. Like I'm sitting in a theater eating popcorn and watching this happen to some unknown stranger in a movie.

The ambulance arrives after only about five minutes. I'm sitting on the floor by now, sobbing into my knees. This position couldn't be any more painful for me, but I have more things on my mind than pain right now.

I lift my head to see the EMTs putting Rebecca on a stretcher. She's unconscious, and there's a large pool of blood on my beige carpet which makes my stomach turn. I'm vaguely aware of Olivia standing to my left with two uniformed officers. She's speaking to them, and they're taking notes and looking in my direction.

I know I'm going to be arrested. In my mind I acted in self-defense, but under the law I didn't. Rebecca didn't have a weapon, nor did she threaten me. She stepped towards me and frightened me and I acted out of our sheer fear. But someone stepping towards you is not considered a threat.

I went through law school; I know what this means for me. There are no reports of domestic violence against Rebecca on record because I never reported any of the times she abused me. I lied to the hospital about how I was hurt last night. And Olivia was here to witness that Rebecca did _not _threaten me in any way.

And if she's hurt badly or dies…I can't even bring myself to think about that right now. I'm still in disbelief that I was able to hit her that hard. I have a broken arm and broken ribs and yet I was still able to inflict bodily harm on Rebecca.

How was I able to hit her so hard? And why did she have to hit her head on my coffee table?

I made a dreadful, _dreadful _mistake by not reporting Rebecca's abuse; a mistake which I'm about to pay dearly for.

I swallow harshly as the officers and Olivia slowly approach me. Olivia has this awful look on her face, as if she's apologizing for what has to happen to me.

"Casey Novak?" the younger of the two officers asks, and I nod my head. "I'm Officer Henderson – "

"Casey, this is the officer Elliot and I wanted you to talk to," Olivia interjects. Officer Henderson shoots her a look, and she immediately quiets.

I look past everyone's shoulders to my apartment door, where Rebecca is being taken out on the stretcher. I feel a chill go through my body as I watch. I hate Rebecca and what she did to me, but I hope she's going to be okay. I didn't mean to hurt her, and if she dies I'll never forgive myself.

"Casey, I need you to tell me in your own words what happened here tonight. Start with how Rebecca was able to get into your apartment without you being here. Olivia said she was waiting here for you. Did she break in?"

I look away in shame. "No – she knows the security code to the building and has a key to my apartment." Officer Henderson and Olivia give each other disappointed looks. "She was my girlfriend…that's why she had them…"

"So she didn't enter your apartment illegally?"

I shake my head. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

Next I'm forced to rehash what happened when Rebecca came in from the kitchen. I tell Officer Henderson what I said and what Rebecca said, and how I felt when she advanced on me.

"I was scared to death," I confess, my body starting to shake again with nervousness and fear. "Last night she broke my arm and a couple days before that she broke my ribs. She's been abusing me for six months and I finally ended it with her last night. That's why she snapped. She broke my arm in the parking lot of that little bar Stan's and then fled. My friend took me to the hospital and then back to her apartment."

Officer Henderson has been writing quickly the whole time I've been speaking, and now the other officer has joined him as well. He's an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair, and fails to show a friendly manner when he speaks. He looks down at Officer Henderson's notes and asks, "Why didn't you report the abuse?"

"I was embarrassed. I just couldn't," I tell him, looking away. "I didn't think it would escalate so much."

"How come the police weren't notified when you went into the hospital?" He pulls out his own notes now and begins looking through them. "I see here you have a spiral fracture to your right arm…that's usually indicative of abuse. Weren't you asked how you were injured? And your broken ribs – I understand that happened a few days prior to the alleged attack at Stan's?"

"I – I – I just…" I'm at a loss for what to say. I've always been an articulate person and words have always been there when I needed them. But at this second in my life, I can't find the right ones to use. I know what I've done to myself. I know the deep hole I've dug. I know the trouble I'm in. And it's not Rebecca's fault – it's mine. Because of my stupidity.

Olivia frowns and shoots the officer a look. "I was at Stan's at the time of the 'attack'. I didn't witness it myself, but I understand that there were some witnesses to Rebecca assaulting Casey. I wasn't on duty and by the time I got to the parking lot Rebecca was gone and our friend was taking Casey to the hospital. I didn't know at the time what had happened; I wasn't told until after the fact. Had I known, myself and my partner would have taken down names of the witnesses."

Officer Henderson speaks up this time. "We're going to need to find those witnesses, Olivia. It's the only chance she has."

My blood runs cold when he says that. _It's the only chance she has._

The next several minutes seem to pass in slow motion. Officer Henderson and his partner get Olivia's statement on what happened once again and ask me a few more seemingly meaningless questions. The more time that goes by, the more nervous I'm becoming. My body has started to involuntarily shake again, and I desperately need a dosage of my pain medication. Sitting on the floor with my back against the wall is not a great position to be in my condition.

It's like nothing is real right now. This _can't _be reality. I could not have just attacked Rebecca and knocked her out. And there's no way the police are in my apartment making me relive my shame of the past six months. It's too overwhelming.

Officer Henderson's partner then asks me, "Can you tell me the first time Rebecca abused you?"

I open my mouth to give him what he wants, but I close it again without saying a word. This isn't the time or the place to relive the history of abuse. Anything I say right now will be taken into the wrong context. I won't incriminate myself anymore. So with the strongest voice I can muster, I utilize the line used by criminals everywhere – "I won't say anything else without a lawyer present. I'm invoking my right to remain silent."

I asked for a lawyer to avoid answering anymore questions, but I know in my heart I won't hire one. I can't afford an attorney, and I don't want a public defender. I'll take this on myself; I'll be my own attorney.

Officer Henderson gives Olivia a sympathetic look. "We have to take her in, Olivia. I'd rather not…but you know under the circumstances, we have no choice."

He's speaking to Olivia as if I'm not there. As if I'm some dumb naïve little girl who doesn't understand the severity of the situation. Well, I'm not dumb, naïve, or a little girl, and I understand what's happening perfectly – after years of putting people behind bars, I myself am about to go to jail.

Olivia looks at me and swallows harshly, a look of complete sympathy on her face. "I'm really sorry, Casey. We're going to do everything to help you…I already called Alex and she's going to meet us at the station. But we do have to…"

I'm crying now. I'm ashamed and frightened. I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to sit in a holding cell with the scum of Manhattan and have to go before a judge that I once faced as a proud ADA. I can't do it. It will destroy the small ounce of self-respect Alex has gotten back for me.

But realistically, I know I have no choice. I can't resist the arrest, but how can I stand up and go willingly? I'm supposed to be better than this, damn it! I wasn't supposed to let Rebecca do this to me.

Rebecca…as soon as I think of her, I'm overcome with a strong sense of guilt. She's in the hospital now with a head injury _because of me_. I know I shouldn't feel bad after the months of abuse I suffered at her hands, but I do. I hurt someone. I inflicted physical pain on another person. I'm a criminal, and I should be treated as such.

Casey Novak never would have done this; even to her worst enemy. Casey Novak wouldn't have allowed herself to become a victim. Casey Novak would have fought back using the legal system instead of force, and Casey Novak would know she had done the right thing.

Too bad I'm not Casey Novak anymore.

I force myself to stand up. The pain to my ribs is so bad that I actually wince and bite my lip to keep from crying out. When I've finally caught my breath, I look at Officer Henderson and say, "I know you have to arrest me – do your job. It's okay."

Olivia gives me that sympathetic look again. "We're so sorry, Casey. But Alex will know what to do; she'll help you. Don't worry."

I can only nod and stifle a cry as Officer Henderson's partner reads my rights and I'm led out of my apartment building.

* * *

I'm in a place I never thought I would be – a holding cell at central booking. I've had my fingerprints and photograph taken like a common criminal. I've had my watch and my cell phone taken from me. The only thing that went my way is that I wasn't handcuffed; I guess my broken arm prevented that. Score one for me.

There are five other women in the cell with me, and I'm sitting all the way to the left on the cold hard bench, leaving plenty of room between me and the heavily-tattooed brunette whom I've learned is called Tricia. She's taken it upon herself to tell me her life story, including what landed her here – a case of road rage in which she pulled a driver from a car and punched him until he was unconscious. I try to keep the distance between us; I don't need any Rebecca's in here.

The rest of the women are keeping to themselves. Two of them are leaning against the bars on the left whispering quietly, one is resting her head against the door of the cell and crying, and another is passed out on the other end of the bench, reeking of alcohol.

I don't belong here. I feel so conspicuous and out of place. I know what I did was a criminal act, but am I really in the same classification as these women?

I wonder how long I'll have to sit here. It's been over an hour already. It's Friday, and Fridays mean packed dockets for judges…I could be waiting all day. Possibly overnight. No arraignment means no bail, and no bail means I have to stay in jail. I swallow harshly at the thought, and I start to shake again.

My mind wanders to Alex. Where is she? Olivia had said she called her. I don't expect her to do anything, but I thought she would at least show up to check on me. I thought she'd be concerned about me. Every minute that goes by that I don't see her finds me more and more disappointed. I guess I'm not as special to her as I had thought.

I force Alex out of my mind and instead focus on the issue at hand. I wonder again how badly hurt Rebecca is. I wonder if she's conscious yet, and if she knows what happened? I wonder if she feels guilty about the abuse she inflicted upon me now?

I'm going to be charged with aggravated assault. I used a weapon on Rebecca. Well, a lamp, but it became a weapon when I struck her with it. Aggravated assault is a felony here in New York. And a felony means serious jail time. And I could be subject to a civil suit from Rebecca. I could be made to pay her medical expenses and compensate her for pain and suffering.

Suddenly, a very familiar – and very angry – voice speaks up. "You put her in a _cell? _Are you insane?"

I watch as Alex quickly approaches the holding cell, with Olivia and Officer Henderson is tow. She's furious, and Olivia and the officer both have the expressions of schoolchildren being chastised by their principal as she rants on.

"We had to, Miss Cabot – she was under arrest," Officer Henderson explains. "You know we had no choice."

Alex takes one look at me and somehow, in the midst of her anger, manages a reassuring smile at me. "Really? You're right; she looks real threatening. Arm in a sling and broken ribs."

"It's procedure, Alex," Olivia says, looking at her with compassion. "We know she's not dangerous…but Officer Henderson didn't have a choice. It's not his fault."

Alex seems unaffected by those words. She looks at me again, and the proceeds to rip into Officer Henderson once again. "I don't care about procedure. She's a _victim. _I want her out of there – _now."_

Despite my pain and my fear, I find myself smiling. Alex is fighting for me. She's going overboard and stepping way out of line, but she's doing it for _me. _The usually calm and collected Alex Cabot is very un-calm and not at all collected right now, but amazingly she still manages to stir something up inside me. There's something about her that is insanely attractive. I felt it before, but it's even stronger now that I know she's here fighting my battle for me.

Officer Henderson gives Olivia one last look at then says, "I'll go draw up the paperwork. I'll only be a minute." Then he turns and walks away, leaving Alex and Olivia alone in front of the cell.

Alex immediately steps up to the bars and looks at me. "Are you okay, Casey?" Her eyes wander around the cell, looking uneasily at the collection of women around me. "Has anyone hurt you?"

I shake my head and finally find my voice. "I'm okay. I'm really sorry – I didn't mean to hurt Rebecca."

Alex smiles at me and Olivia says, "We know, Casey. It's okay. We're all on your side. Elliot just got here and I need to go fill him in on the situation." She looks to Alex and clears her throat awkwardly. "I'll let you tell her…I'll talk to you later."

Alex just nods in Olivia's direction but doesn't look at her. She's giving off those Ice Queen vibes, and I can tell a good majority of her anger is towards Olivia. Just great. I wanted Alex to have her friendship with Olivia back, but it looks like I spoiled that too.

Alex's intense blue eyes are boring into mine and she says, "I'll have you out of here in just a few minutes. Henderson is drawing up the paperwork right now."

I frown and give her a confused look. "Out of here? How? I haven't been arraigned yet…"

"I got you a desk appearance ticket. Your arraignment is on Tuesday. I've already spoken to McCoy. Hopefully we can get your charges dropped before then."

I stare at Alex in disbelief – a desk appearance ticket? Those are rarely issued in New York, and when they are, it's usually for misdemeanors or violations. _Never _for a felony, which is what I will be charged with. And _Tuesday? _Anything beyond one business day for a desk appointment ticket is unheard of. How the heck did she pull this off?

Then I remember who I'm dealing with – _the _Alex Cabot. Alex Cabot with influence and connections, and a very direct approach and commanding presence. Of course she was able to get me a desk appointment ticket.

I get up off the bench and approach the bars so I'm standing only mere inches from Alex. She smiles at me again and eyes my arm compassionately. "How's your arm? And your ribs? I brought your pills. Figured you needed one right away."

It's amazing; all the ice has melted right off her. When she first strolled up to the cell she was uncompromising and cold, leaving everyone she passed in her frozen wake. But now she's completely thawed out and I actually feel a warmth radiating from her.

She should be angry with me. She should be screaming at me that I made my situation worse and I'm the dumbest person on this planet and that once I'm out of here, she's done with me. But she says none of those things. Her blue eyes are shining, and she shocks me by reaching through the bars and taking my hand.

She holds on tightly, and I feel this strange sensation go through my body. It takes me a few minutes to realize it's relief and safety. I know I'm about to get out of here and go home with Alex to where it's safe. I don't have to sit on this cold hard bench any longer.

"I'm sorry they put you in here, Casey," she says softly. "They shouldn't have."

"They were doing their job. It's okay; I'm fine. They treated me like anyone else under arrest. I'm just a regular person, Alex; I'm no one special. Not to them."

Alex momentarily looks away, keeping a hold of my hand and composing her thoughts. "We need to use the weekend to build a case against Rebecca. Even though you never reported her abuse, we can still find a way to prove it. Then we'll go to Jack McCoy on Monday with what we have and appeal to his compassion and humanity. We'll fix this, Casey. You don't deserve to go to jail – Rebecca does."

There's so much wrong with the sentence she just passed. It's nearly impossible to prove months of abuse without documentation. And Jack McCoy lacks both compassion _and _humanity, and he hates me. Not a good combination. He's going to want me to charged to the fullest extent of the law and he'll enjoy every minute of it.

I swallow my nervousness and ask only one question – "Do you know how Rebecca is? Have you heard? Is she okay?"

Alex looks away from me, and right there I have my answer. Her avoidance of the subject says it all. I feel this horrible chill move through me and I start to shake again. "Alex? How bad is it?" I ask again, my voice shrill and meek.

Alex finally forces herself to look at me, and the uneasy look in her eyes is enough to make me want to burst into tears. It confirms my worst fears – it's bad.

"It's really too soon to tell anything. She – she's in a coma," she tells me gently.

_A coma. A coma. A coma. _

I keep repeating it over and over in my head, believing it less each time I hear it. I didn't hit her hard enough for that…she didn't fall onto the coffee table hard enough! There's no way! She hit her head, but…she can't be in a coma. She just _can't _be.

Then I remember that she hit the side of her head on the corner of the coffee table. Hitting your head on the side oftentimes causes the most damage, because your brain is jarred side to side. Hitting your head on the back or the front gives your brain some room to move, but hitting it on the side restricts your brain and it has nowhere to go. Usually the most serious head injuries are to the side of the head.

I feel a million times worse now. I let go of Alex's hand and stumble back to the bench, sitting down in disbelief. I don't make a sound or move a muscle; I'm in too much shock. The realization of the trouble I'm in has finally hit me full force and I'm scared out of my mind.

And I know there's no way Jack McCoy will agree to drop any charges; especially if Rebecca remains in her coma or dies.

I watch as Officer Henderson comes back to the cell and shows Alex some paperwork he has. I'm aware of him opening the cell door and telling me I have some papers to sign and then I'm free to go for tonight. I'm aware of myself signing my name on numerous documents and being given back my personal belongings.

But I'm not aware of how my life has come to this. How I was once so proud, only to be so low now. Having nothing, and the only thing holding me together as I walk out of the police station is Alex's warm hand in mine once again.

* * *

The car ride to Alex's apartment is pretty much in silence. I'm lost in my worried thoughts about how badly I injured Rebecca and Alex tries in vain to cheer me up. She suggests stopping for coffee or an early lunch, but I tell her I'm not in the mood. I can't sit at a restaurant and pretend everything is fine and normal. _Nothing _is.

And speaking of restaurants, I have to call my boss today. I still haven't told him I won't be able to continue working.

So as soon as we're through the door of Alex's apartment I use that as an excuse and try to make a beeline for the hallway so I can call from the guest room in private.

But Alex has other plans. She grabs my good arm to stop me. "Casey – we need to talk about what happened and what's _going _to happen."

I shake my head. "I don't want to."

"I know you don't. But we have to." She gestures to her nice comfortable couch. "Let's sit down and talk. You can call your boss later."

She's giving me that stern Alex Cabot look and I know I have no choice whatsoever. She won't take no for an answer. I'd rather pretend this never happened, but I'm too logical and realistic to try that one. So I reluctantly sit down and Alex does the same, practically right next to me, leaving us very little personal space.

It makes my heart race. For the briefest moment I forget I just got out of jail and I'm facing felony charges and I _really _think about this woman next to me. This woman that I never thought I'd be friends with, let alone staying in her apartment. This woman who amazes me in every way, with her grace and confidence. This woman that I've become attracted to.

I've known it for a while now, I think. But I'm finally letting myself admit it – I'm attracted to Alex Cabot. Not just in the physical sense, either; everything about her is attractive and incredible. I haven't known her that long, but she has a good heart and a good soul. I can see it and feel it.

These feelings for Alex get stronger every time she shows how much she cares for me, and sometimes when I catch her holding my gaze longer than is necessary I actually hope against all hope that she'll somehow just lean in and kiss me. I know it's ridiculous and it will never happen, but it's fun to wish anyway. Alex shows more care for me than I've known in a long time. She treats me like a person, like an equal. She gives me comfort and makes me feel like I'm actually worth something, that I'm not worthless garbage like Rebecca always told me.

How could I _not _be attracted to her?

But I'm realistic. I know I have _no _chance with Alex. What she feels for me is nothing beyond friendship; I know that, and I respect it. She cares about me and is trying to help me through a rough patch in my life – nothing more. I can't torture myself with false hope that she'll return my feelings. So I won't.

And now isn't the time anyway. I'm facing a new set of problems – no one deserves to have to be with me now. I have a huge mess to clean up.

"We'll work all day today and this weekend to try and fix this, Casey," Alex tells me, her voice instantly snapping me out of my thoughts.

I shake my head to clear it. "We can't just _fix_ it, Alex."

"You're looking at aggravated assault. If we don't – "

"I know that, Alex!" I find myself shouting angrily. I'm absorbing everything like a sponge and it's all sinking in now. The reality and graveness of the situation is fully apparent to me now. "I graduated law school and passed the bar exam too; I know what I'm in for. You don't have to lay it out for me. I _know_."

I don't mean for my words to sound so harsh and rude, but I can't help it. Alex isn't making this any easier by speaking to me as if I'm some dumb kid. I know she means well, but it's not a great way to approach the situation.

Alex seems unfazed by my angry outburst. She immediately says, "You're right; I'm sorry. That was a bad way to open the conversation. I guess I'm just not used to conversing with someone who is as familiar with the legal system as I am. I apologize if that came off as demeaning; that wasn't my intention."

"It's okay," I tell her quickly. "I get it. But I had enough time to think about what's ahead for me when I was in that holding cell. And then when you told me Rebecca is in a coma…it made it so much worse. _I _did that to her, Alex. I'm responsible for her being there. I didn't have to hit her with that lamp; I _chose _to."

"No. You didn't choose to, Casey," Alex says sternly, leaning forward and taking my hand again. "Listen to me – what happened only happened because of what Rebecca did to you. She made you afraid. She abused you for months, Casey. And when you finally broke up with her, she broke your arm. She pushed you to your limit. Everyone has a breaking point. And when you saw her in your apartment and she advanced on you, you panicked. You tried to defend yourself because in your mind you thought she was going to attack you. Olivia told me what happened. She told me how scared you were. You acted on instinct; you did nothing wrong, Casey."

But that's not true. My eyes fill with tears as I say, "I put Rebecca in a coma."

"You didn't mean for that to happen. It's not your fault."

"Yes it is!" I'm crying now, and the tears are blurring my vision. "How can you say that's not my fault? I hit her with a lamp! She hit her head on my coffee table because I struck her. It's entirely my fault, and nothing you say will make me feel any less guilty."

Alex lets me cry for the next few minutes. She moves closer to me and tries to put her hand on my back, but I shrug her away this time. I don't want her comfort right now. I'm too upset and guilty to accept it.

But Alex understands. She sits there with me until my tears start to dry up, then she hands me a box of tissues off her coffee table and gives me a small smile. "Feeling better?"

"No," I answer truthfully. "I don't feel good at all. I just got out of jail, I put someone in a coma, and that crying fit made my ribs flare back up. And I'm exhausted because I was up all night with my arm aching. I don't know what I did to deserve any of this, but whatever it was, I'm truly sorry."

I'm really worked up now. I'm sad and angry and everything in between. I want to lash out and pull someone down into my misery with me so I'm not alone, but I know that no one deserves to be here except me. So I force myself to stand up. The pain in my ribs is so bad right now that I feel like I'm going to pass out, but it doesn't stop me. I cast my eyes upwards and angrily shout, "Do you hear me? Whoever is up there, whoever controls this…why are you doing this to me? Why are you making me suffer? Am I that bad of a person that I deserve this? I wish I wasn't here. I wish I wasn't even alive. Life isn't worth it when you make someone live like this." I want to cry again but anger grips me tightly instead and I find myself shouting out one final sentence to our invisible God, "Fuck you! Just leave me alone!"

I'm crying again now, and Alex has gotten up off the couch. She gently wraps her arms around me and softly says, "Casey, Casey…it's all right. You have every right to be angry. It's all right." She's hugging me tightly, yet being mindful of my ribs and arm. I'm resting my head against her shoulder, sobbing into the fabric of her neatly pressed blouse. I continue to cry at the unfairness of everything and Alex holds on, gently rocking us back and forth and rubbing my back soothingly. Once my tears have almost stopped, she pushes me away from her so she can look at me and asks, "You okay?"

I'm not okay, but I nod anyway. Alex gives me another smile and tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. That simple gesture makes my feelings for her flare right back up and I yearn to kiss her. That is such an affectionate gesture…and her eyes are so warm and caring…

She sits us back down and this time I let her place her hand on my back. Despite everything, it makes me feel better. I grab a tissue and sniffle again. "I'm sorry…that was uncalled for. I didn't mean to have a meltdown like that."

"It's okay," she says again. "You're going through a lot. I can't imagine what this must be like for you. But letting it out and talking about it is the best thing you can do."

I nod and dab at my eyes again. Then I find myself saying, "I'm just so disappointed in myself and my life. I've made such poor choices. I used to be so proud and full of promise; look at me now. I'm pathetic. I let some stupid woman bully me for half a year and I'm staying at my friend's apartment because I can't pay my rent. I lost my law license because of another bad choice. I worked so hard for that, Alex. I supported myself and put myself through law school. I had no help from anyone; I did it all on my own. I was passionate about becoming an attorney. I never thought I'd go as far as ADA and then look what I did…that other stupid choice took the thing I loved the most away from me and put me here. All those hours I spent working and studying when I was in law school were all for nothing. I have nothing to show for it now."

"That's not true. You have a lot to be proud of. The fact that you supported yourself and paid for your education is so admirable. I respect that. And you're brilliant, Casey; of course you became an ADA. That mistake you made isn't going to end your career. You have two years left on your suspension, but after that you can pick right back up. I'm sure you'll be on probation…but you can do it, Casey. I believe in you."

I scoff at her. "Seriously? Who is going to hire me, after what happened?"

"You have an excellent conviction record."

"That's not everything," I remind Alex. "They'll think I'm a loose cannon, can't be trusted. I'll have to prove myself all over again. Do you have any idea what I'll have to put up with?"

Alex keeps her expression serious. "I do – put up with it. No matter what's thrown at you, just put up with it. You're too good not to get back out there, Casey. Someone will hire you. The DA's office will hire you back, or – "

My defenses are going back up again. "Why are we talking about this, anyway? It's not ever going to happen. I might be going to jail, Alex. You know that. Aggravated assault carries jail time. I have no criminal record, but it won't matter in this case. If Rebecca's condition is serious or she dies, I'll go to jail; no question. Having a clean record won't matter. And a felony charge will mean my law license will be revoked. I'll have no future at all in that case."

"None of that is going to happen. You aren't going to jail, and you aren't being disbarred. We're going to spend the entire weekend getting all the facts together. Olivia and Elliot are coming over this afternoon and they're going to try and track down the witnesses that saw Rebecca attack you at Stan's last night. And we have the hospital records. Broken ribs and a spiral fracture in the arm are classic abuse injuries."

"But I never reported any of her abuse. It's heresy. I have no proof. Even if they find the witnesses, that doesn't prove she abused me for six months."

"It doesn't matter; this is going to work out. You and I will go see Jack McCoy on Monday. We'll present everything to him and convince him not to pursue charges. And if he doesn't and this goes to trial, I know a very good defense attorney who is a friend of mine. You'll get out of this one. I promise."

"If it goes to trial, I'm representing myself. I don't need an attorney."

Alex's mouth drops open when I say this. "Casey – that's crazy. You can't do that. Especially considering…" she seems reluctant to finish her sentence, but I think I know what she's getting at.

"Considering what? That my license is suspended? That the last time I was in a courtroom I lied to a judge?" Alex looks away. "I still have the right to act as my own attorney."

"You're not a defense attorney," Alex argues.

"Neither are you!" I counter.

"Right, but – " she trails off and leans forward, sighing and putting her head in her hands, shaking it. "It's the worst idea ever. You've seem people butcher themselves acting as their own attorneys. You know how hard it can be."

"Yes I have. But those people didn't get a law degree or pass the bar, did they? I did. I can do it. And besides, I can't afford any big-time lawyer."

"Don't worry about the cost; I'd take care of it. I don't want to see you bury yourself."

"You'd take care of it?" I echo in disbelief. "Meaning you'd pay for my attorney? That makes me feel worse, Alex. How in the world does _that _help me? I don't need charity from you. Staying here is bad enough. I'm not letting you pay for an attorney. If a trial is needed, I'm defending myself – case closed."

Alex appears very unhappy about this, but agrees to let it drop. "Fine. It won't be necessary anyway; I'm confident we can get the charges dropped. But if it becomes an issue, we'll revisit it again."

No we won't, but I don't argue. I'm so ready to drop this subject and try to pick up the pieces of my life. So I say, "Please don't be mad at Olivia for what happened."

Alex looks at me strangely. "I'm not angry with her."

"You kind of ranted at her at the station. I saw the look on her face when she left. You went all Alex Cabot on her." I try to manage a smile, but I fail.

Alex has a guilty look now. "Oh, that. Well, I was a little miffed at her for letting you get arrested. In the heat of the moment I thought she could have done things differently, but I know she ultimately had no choice. She wasn't on duty and it was Officer Henderson's call. However, I am furious they put you in a cell."

I almost laugh. "Well, that's what they do to people under arrest."

She rolls her eyes at me good-naturedly. "Really, Novak? I had no idea. Anyway, they didn't need to for you. You're injured and you're a victim. They risked your safety by putting you in that cell with others. Broken ribs and a broken arm are serious injuries. You could have been hurt badly by someone. We'll use this to our advantage."

I almost laugh again. "We can't, Alex. That's ridiculous! What were they supposed to do? Let me sit at the officer's desk? I was arrested for assault…I wasn't innocent. They locked me up because they had to. And how the heck did you swing that desk appearance ticket, anyway? That's nearly impossible to get. By all rights, I should still be sitting in that cell."

Alex grows serious again. "I have a lot of influence, Casey. A lot of people who owe me favors. Let's not try to define it too closely, okay?"

Something about her expression and tone tells me this is not the time to discuss this particular issue. And even though I'm beyond curious, I drop it…for now.

Alex looks at her watch. "Liv and El with be here in a few hours." She looks me up and down and frowns. "Why don't you get some sleep? You do look exhausted. Take one of those pills for pain and let it knock you out. I can wake up when they get here."

I am exhausted, but there's no way I can sleep. The pain pills don't help much, and I have too much on my mind to sleep. So I shake my head. "Thanks, but I'd never be able to sleep."

"I guarantee you as soon as your head hits the pillow you'll be out. You need rest. Get your mind off everything for a bit."

I'm still not convinced. I shake my head again. "No, thanks."

And then Alex says, "How about I give you some company? We'll go to your room and watch some TV until you fall asleep. Would that help?"

It would help immensely, but I can't tell Alex that. Having her near me helps me more than she'll ever know. I don't want to sound like I'm dependent on her. But watching TV together is okay, right? Friends do that all the time.

I'm taking too long to answer, so Alex reaches out and brushes my cheek with her thumb. She smiles a bit and says, "You had an eyelash on your cheek."

God she is beautiful…she's perfection personified. All I can do is sit there and dumbly stare at her. I'm under her spell now. She decides what my actions are.

So when she stands up and offers me her hand, I take it and allow her to pull me off the couch. I follow her down the hall to the guest bedroom and sit down on the bed while she fetches me one of my pills and a large glass of water. I take the pill and drink the water, and Alex turns down the bed for me.

And then she surprises me again. Once I'm seated against the headboard with a pillow propping me up, she climbs on the bed and sits right beside me. I'm so shocked that I nearly move over. She's removed her heels and she's still in her insanely nice clothes, but doesn't seem to care. She tucks the other pillow behind her back too and grabs the remote off the nightstand, offering it to me. "Whatever you want to watch is fine."

I'm still so shocked by what's happening that I fumble to get the programming guide on the TV.

Alex Cabot is in bed with me. It's completely innocent, _but she's in bed with me_. I feel too awkward to make conversation, so I quickly find a rerun of "_The X-Files" _which Alex says is fine, and then I try to focus on watching it.

But my focus isn't working. My mind is wandering. Not about Rebecca or the charges I'll be facing, but about Alex and these feelings I harbor for her. I sneak a glance at her. She's removed her glasses now and she has her head resting against the headboard, a content expression on her face. Then suddenly she turns her head and catches me staring at her and I quickly look away, my face growing red from embarrassment.

"Aw, you're so sleepy, Casey," Alex says cutely. "Come here."

My eyes grow wide in shock. Did she just say 'come here'?! I turn and look at her. She's holding her arms out, a hopeful expression on her face. I just stare at her and blink. "Come here, Casey," she repeats.

This time I force myself to slide over to her. A million emotions are pulsating through my veins and my heart rate picks up. Does she want me to lay with her?

She fingers the sling on my arm. "Take it off. You aren't supposed to sleep with it on."

I do as she says, not making a single sound. Once it's off, I toss it onto the floor. Then Alex puts her hands on me and very carefully pulls me down so I'm resting with my head on her chest. I can't even breathe now; this is too much. I'm not used to such extreme physical contact with another person…especially a person like Alex.

Alex senses my reluctance to accept my position. She gently strokes my hair and says, "It's okay. You can relax. I want you to feel comfortable." She touches my hair again and adds, "This is what it feels like to be touched by someone who cares about you. This is how you treat another person. When they're hurting or scared, you comfort them and let them know someone cares. And sometimes that means giving them something they've never known before."

I'm nearly crying; this feels _so good. _It feels right. Every time Alex strokes my hair, it makes me feel that much safer and special. I feel like I matter to someone, that I'm not insignificant.

"This is how Rebecca should have touched you, Casey. This is what you deserve."

I don't respond. I don't have to; Alex knows I'm grateful. After a few minutes the noise of the TV begins to fade as sleep pulls me in, and I fall asleep with Alex still stroking my hair and a sense of worth I haven't had in a very long time.

**So...what do you think? Did you like it? Casey is realizing her feelings for Alex. Do you think Alex feels the same, or is she ONLY trying to be a supportive friend? And what do you think will happen when they go to see McCoy? And Casey defending herself - good choice, or bad? Please review and let me know what you think of the chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

**So happy to see so many readers! Thank you. And I hope you stay with it, because I have a lot planned for this story. Stay tuned.**

The first thing I'm aware of when I wake up is that I'm alone. Sometime during my slumber Alex must have moved me onto my pillow and vacated the room.

The second thing I'm aware of is an immense pain on my left side of my rib cage and that I'm having difficulty breathing. I place my hand over where the pain seems to be coming from, no doubt one of my broken ribs. I lie completely still and take a couple deep breaths. The pain seems to get worse when I inhale.

I must have slept in a bad position and put strain on my ribs. I'm sure that's all it is. Very carefully I sit up and I almost scream as a very sharp pain cripples my left side. I struggle to catch my breath after the small, innocent movement.

And then I remember something the emergency room doctor had told me – I was told to take it easy and rest for a couple days. To limit my movement and let my ribs start to heal. The doctor had explained that sometimes broken ribs can easily puncture a lung, and that possibly increases when you move around prematurely with them.

I haven't been resting. I went to my apartment, struck Rebecca, sat on the couch, walked around, and sat on that hard bench in the holding cell. I've done everything I was cautioned _not _to do.

But if one of my ribs had punctured a lung or was close to doing so, I'd know it, right? I wouldn't be able to breathe _at all_. And I'm sure the pain would be worse than this.

I force myself to get up out of bed and I nearly start crying. This is _horrible_. Just the small movement made me struggle for breath, and my ribs feel like someone has a knife stuck between them. I take very small steps toward the open bedroom door, biting my lip after every single one. If I wasn't so out of breath, I'd yell for Alex to come.

Walking has caused the pain to spread to my chest now. Every step I take makes it worse. I think something is seriously wrong now, and I'm terrified.

As soon as I step into the hallway, I hear voices. Voices speaking in a calm, rational tone. And as I get closer, I recognize all three voices – Alex, Elliot and Olivia. And I can just guess what they're talking about.

I can hear what they are saying clearly as I make my way into the living room. I hear Olivia say, "I understand her state of mind, but she made an awful mistake by not allowing us to call the police and an ambulance after Rebecca attacked her outside the bar. We'll do our best to track down the witnesses, but…it will be hard."

Alex sighs. "I know. But we have to do it. Casey is counting on us, and she doesn't have anyone else." She pauses a moment and then adds, "And I spoke to the hospital about an hour ago – Rebecca is still in a coma. She's being seen by a neurologist before the day is out."

Elliot starts to say something, and then looks up as I enter the living room. All three of them are seated on the couch, and Elliot climbs to his feet right away. "Casey – "

Alex and Olivia turn around at exactly the same time, but only Alex stands up. A look of concern crosses her face when she sees me holding my hand over my ribs and she slowly approaches me. "Hey, we thought you were still resting. Are you okay? Why aren't you wearing your sling?"

"I – I'm having trouble breathing," I rush out, and just getting those words out nearly makes me go into a coughing fit.

Alex is immediately at my side, her hand on my back gently. "You're having trouble breathing? Does anything hurt?"

Yes, my arm, my chest, my ribs. But I give her a short answer – "Ribs. And my chest started to hurt when I was walking."

Olivia and Elliot are right in front of us now and I'm taking small shallow breaths. Alex rubs my back and holds me against her. "Okay. You'll be fine; we'll get you to the hospital." She looks up. "Liv, could you get her arm sling from the bedroom? And Elliot, would you drive us?"

Elliot nods and heads towards the door. "I'll have the car running."

I feel like such a burden to Alex. Not only is she helping with my case, but now she has to take me back to the hospital too. It's not fair – this isn't her problem. I'm in this condition because of myself and because I didn't follow doctor's orders; Alex shouldn't have to take care of it for me.

Normally I'd be appalled to have someone want to take care of my business for me to drive me to the hospital, but right now I'm too tired and scared and in too much pain to do anything other than stand next to Alex accepting her comfort and concentrate on breathing.

"Where does it hurt the most?" Alex asks, and I put my hand back over the left side of my ribcage to indicate again that most of the pain is there. She nods. "You'll be okay."

"I haven't been resting. Remember, the doctor said a broken rib can puncture a lung?" I ask, nearly out of breath.

Alex rubs my back harder as we wait for Olivia to return from the bedroom. "I remember. If that's what it is, you'll be all right. They can fix that, okay? Don't worry."

I'm not worried. I just hate having to be in a position where someone else has to look after me, and I hate that Olivia and Elliot have to take time out of their busy lives to fix my messes. First the Rebecca thing, and now this.

They just came back into my life, and look what I'm doing to them already. They probably wish I'd never contacted them. We haven't even really had a _real _conversation; the first night we were together was interrupted by Rebecca and ended with me in the hospital, and now today is going to end the same way.

_Way to go, Novak. You're such a big damn baby. So your ribs hurt and you can't breathe…grow up. Rebecca is lying in a hospital bed right now in a coma because of you…this is nothing. _

Olivia returns a few seconds later and Alex starts to help me put my sling back on, but I resist her help. "I can do it myself," I'm barely able to get out before having to struggle for breath again as I fumble my way through putting the sling on.

"I'm sure you're okay, Casey," Olivia says reassuringly, smiling at me.

I look up at her. "Thank you. And thanks for…everything you're doing."

She smiles again. "Of course. That's what friends are for."

That innocence comment actually makes me feel better. _Friends. _I have _friends. _People who care about what happens to me.

Elliot drives very carefully to the hospital, trying to avoid stopping abruptly or any large bumps. I'm appreciative – I'm hurting enough without the added trauma from a car ride to add to it. Olivia rides in the front with Elliot and Alex sits with me in the back. Once we reach the emergency room entrance, I insist on walking inside under my own power. Alex, Olivia and Elliot have done enough for me – I can handle walking inside by myself.

Alex has to fill out my million and one admittance forms for me again, since I still can't manipulate a pen with my broken right arm. When she gets to the insurance information, I start to fret.

"How am I going to pay for this? I was here just a couple days ago, and now I'm here again…and this time I might need treatment. I have no insurance. How am I going to pay?"

Alex doesn't appear the least bit worried. She finishes the current paper she's working on and then looks up at me, "Don't worry – we'll figure something out."

I'm too tired and in too much to argue with her.

I only have to wait about twenty minutes before I'm taken back to a room. Elliot and Olivia stay behind in the waiting room like before, but Alex accompanies me. I'm grateful she's with me.

I get asked another thousand questions by a nurse and get my blood pressure taken before she tells me a doctor will be with me "soon" and leaves the room, leaving Alex and I alone. Soon could mean anywhere between ten minutes to ten hours in this place.

As soon as we're alone, Alex pulls her chair up close to the bed and leans towards me. I get a whiff of her perfume and it nearly makes my heart leap right out of my chest. She's looking at me with worried blue eyes and when she reaches out and places her hand over mine, I nearly lose it.

"Don't be scared; you'll be all right." She gives me that warm Alex smile that I've grown to love. "And I hope you're not angry, but I called your boss at the restaurant and told him about your injury. I didn't tell him what happened, don't worry. He said to give him a call when the cast comes off."

I feel a little taken aback. I had wanted to speak to my boss myself. Alex going ahead and calling him doesn't shine me in a very good light. It's like I'm letting her fight my battles for me, and I don't want that. I'm a responsible adult, and I can take care of my own business and my own self.

Including the charges I'm facing. I don't need Alex to get me an attorney. As much as I like her – as much as I respect her – I don't want her to do everything for me.

"I was going to call him," I tell her, and it comes out angrier than I intended for it to. It's so hard to speak and I feel like the air is being squeezed out of me, but I somehow manage.

"I know. But I thought it might be easier on you if I did it." She hesitates a moment and gauges my expression. I think she can tell I'm a bit upset. "Casey, look, I'm sorry. I know this is all hard for you. The charges, Rebecca being in a coma, being hurt…I get it. It sucks. And I know you don't like me doing everything for you; it probably makes you feel helpless. But Casey, I'm doing it because I _care_ about you, and because you need someone in your life that is going to be there for you and help you through life's hurdles. I told you I understand exactly how you're feeling and I didn't have anyone there for me. But you _will _have someone there for you – _me_. Remember how I told you that I'm a different person after everything I went through?" I nod at her. "Well, that was a truth, but some parts of me haven't changed. Like, for instance, I still find it hard to get close to people and allow affection. It's hard for me to even hug people. But for some reason, it's really easy with you. I feel…protective of you. Almost like – "

She trails off, and my heart stops as I wonder if she feels the same way I do. Does she get those warm fuzzy feelings around me too? Does my touch make her heart stop and give her the chills? If I were able to hold my breath right now, I would.

But then she says, "Almost like you're my little sister and I won't let anyone hurt you. I've never felt such a strong, instant connection to someone before. With you, affection comes as easy as breathing. I don't know why. Maybe we were meant to be friends."

My heart drops to my feet at the mention of the word _friends_, and I turn my head so she won't see the disappointment in my eyes. Of course; friends. What else would we be? We haven't known each other that long, and besides, Alex would never go for someone like me. I'm positive she is completely straight, but even if she isn't, I'm not good enough for someone like her. She deserves someone better than a broken-down, penniless attorney.

It's so funny what the mind will do. I'm facing criminal charges and I put someone in a coma; that's what I should be thinking about. It should be consuming every thought, every second. And it would be if it weren't for Alex. But right now, she's all I can think about. The feelings I've been developing for her have grown, and now I find it difficult to even look her in the eyes. I know it's not a crush; I feel inside that it's much more than that. She said it herself – we have an instant connection. That has to mean _something_.

I'm about to start talking when a doctor comes into the room. I'm surprised; it's only been about fifteen minutes. She smiles warmly and introduces himself as Dr. Gordon then gets right down to checking out my chart. He asks some questions about my pain and my breathing, and then gently feels around my ribcage. He's barely touching me, but it hurts like hell. I bite my lip to keep from crying out.

He turns around and makes a few marks on my chart after he's done torturing me, and then announces he wants a chest x-ray right away. Wonderful. More tests, more waiting.

I only have to wait about ten minutes for a nurse to come in and take me to x-ray. Alex stays behind and waits for me, and as soon as my x-rays are done, I'm returned to the room.

I'm sore from being moved around but I still manage a smile at Alex as the wheel me in in a wheelchair. "I'm radioactive now," I announce to her.

Alex bursts out laughing, and my heart swells even more. God I love that laugh. So light and so feminine…and the way her eyes sparkle when she's laughing…it's so beautiful.

However, my good mood doesn't long for long. Once I'm back on the bed, I'm in _a lot _of pain. I don't know if it's from being moved or if I'm getting worse, but I almost can't stand it. Whenever I breathe now, it's very painful and my chest feels like it's going to explode. And that constant sharp pain on the left side of my rib cage has gotten worse as well.

"Can you give her something for pain?" Alex asks, as soon as a nurse enters the room. "She's really hurting and it doesn't seem fair to make her suffer."

"We can't give her anything until Dr. Gordon has seen her x-rays and has an idea of what's going on. It could be dangerous to give her something now, especially if we need to do any emergency procedures," she answers.

_Emergency procedures_. That makes my blood run cold and my eyes go wide in shock. "Wh – what does he think is wrong?" I ask, and I immediately start to cough. Coughing is so painful that after the coughing fit subsides I actually say aloud, "Oh my God, this freaking _hurts_. When is he going to look at that x-ray?"

"He's checking it now. It shouldn't be too long. Just try and stay as still as possible. We'll get you something for pain as soon as we can."

I know she's only doing her job, but I _hate _this woman. I'm sitting here suffering and right now she's trying to take my blood pressure again. I shake my arm away from her and bark, "Do you have to do this now? I'd like one part of my body that doesn't hurt or isn't uncomfortable, please."

She looks first at me, and then at Alex. Alex is giving her a serve glare. It's so bad that I'm surprised the nurse hasn't turned to stone. If I didn't feel like I was dying, I would actually laugh. Then Alex says, "I think the blood pressure can wait. Tell the doctor to hurry so my friend can get some pain medication."

It's not a request; it's an order. And I watch in surprise as the nurse slips out of the room, leaving us alone again.

Alex looks back at me, and her expression has completely softened. She places her hand over mine again. "Hold on. I'm sure it won't be long. I'm here, okay? Don't worry about anything."

But I'm worried about _everything_. I'm worried about what's going to happen to me here and if I have to go to court, and I'm worried about these intense romantic feelings I have for Alex. It's getting harder and harder to suppress them.

Soon after I'm told by the same nurse that Alex nearly turned to stone that I'm going to be admitted and taken to a regular room. There go any hopes of getting out of here tonight. I start to get up off the bed, but I'm told to lie down and not to move. They'll transport the bed with me in it. This chills me to the bone – they must have found something in the x-rays.

I'm taken to a room one floor up as Alex slips out to give Elliot and Olivia an update. I hope she makes it to my room before I find out my fate – I don't want to have to repeat it to her. I'm not sure I have it in me.

Two nurses come in as the ER nurse leaves, and I grow increasingly nervous as one of them pokes my left arm and starts an IV. My heart rate starts to pick up. "What – what is wrong with me?" I ask, in a near panic.

The younger of the two nurses gives me a small smile and says only, "Dr. Gordon will be with you in a moment. He'll explain everything."

Next I'm hooked up to a heart monitor and some other kind of monitor I don't recognize…it looks like maybe it measures lung function.

Once everything is set up and working properly, both nurses slip out, leaving me alone.

This can't be happening. I have enough on my plate right now. Alex and I are supposed to go see McCoy on Monday, I might have to go to court on Tuesday, Rebecca is in a coma…what else is going to put on me? How much more do I have to be put through?

I keep asking myself that question, and keep coming up with the same answer – _you did this to yourself, Casey. No one else is to blame. You let Rebecca break you. You were a coward not to stop it._ Every time I remind myself of this fact, I stop feeling sorry for myself.

Alex comes in several minutes later. Just seeing her instantly makes me feel better. She doesn't have to be here, yet she is. She's spending a Saturday sitting with me in the hospital. And she's genuinely concerned; I can read it in her beautiful blue eyes as she sits down and gently takes my hand.

She _holds _it this time. She doesn't just cover it with hers; she _holds _it. She gives me a strong squeeze and says, "You're going to be fine – don't worry."

And I know it's true. Alex will make sure I'm fine.

Minutes later Dr. Gordon reappears, followed by an unfamiliar nurse and a cart full of medical instruments. As soon as I see the cart, my heart stops. I can't tell what they are, but I know their purpose – to poke and prod me and cause me more discomfort.

"Miss Novak, your x-rays revealed that your left lung is partially collapsed. This isn't an uncommon injury with multiple broken ribs, but it can be very serious if not treated. The lung could collapse completely or you could develop pneumonia. It's usually caused by a sharp end of a broken rib making a small puncture in the lung. Had you been resting properly since the break occurred?"

I turn my head away in shame. "No…not really. I always try to do too much too fast."

Dr. Gordon smiles. "People often do. But this is completely treatable, so don't worry. There is a small procedure we have to perform to re-inflate your lung completely and ensure it's functioning properly."

I swallow, and Alex asks the question on my mind before I do. She's eying the cart of medical torture tools. "What kind of procedure? Are you putting her to sleep for this?"

"We can't put you under, but we'll give you a local anesthetic near you left lung so you won't feel in the incision for the tube."

Incision for the tube? What tube? I'm getting really scared now. I've never spent time in the hospital in my life, and I've never had any type of procedure done. I watch as the nurse puts on rubber gloves and opens a sterile package containing a very long tube. When I see how big it is, I completely freak out. The thing is bigger than the opening of a soda can, and they are going to put it inside me without knocking me out? Are they insane?

The nurse places the tube on the tray as Dr. Gordon slips on a pair of gloves as well. The nurse turns her back, and when she turns to face me again, she's holding a needle. I'm guessing this is the anesthetic.

"This will take affect almost immediately," she tells me, lowering the needle to near my left ribcage. "It may sting, but only for a moment."

Alex slides closer to the bed and squeezes my hand hard as the nurse gives me the shot. It does sting a little more than a regular shot, but it's nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. My nervousness fades a little bit as she stands up and backs away from me.

_Okay….I've had the shot. It will numb me. I won't feel this. Don't be such a big baby. _I repeat this to myself over and over as Alex starts talking to me, telling me it's going to be okay and I watch Dr. Gordon connect one end of the tube to a large machine.

"This is going to create negative pressure in your lung, causing it to slowly expand. We don't want to expand it too quickly, or the puncture in your lung will become worse. The puncture will heal on its own, but you need to be on the ventilator for at least two days to restore full lung function. You can breathe normally to take air into your right lung, but this will breathe for your left."

"So she doesn't need a tube down her throat or anything?" Alex asks in concern, rubbing the back of my hand with her thumb.

"No. The tube will penetrate her lung cavity and take over for her left lung. It's not a regular ventilator; it creates the negative pressure at a very low, slow level and gradually fully inflates the lung and forces it to function. We'll insert it via a small incision, and after two days we'll remove it, providing the long is re-inflated and functioning to full capacity."

This sounds horrible. I have to have that awful tube in for _two days_? That means I have to stay here for two days! I can't be in the hospital for two days! I can't!

"Alex," I manage to say, in a blind panic. "I can't stay here for two days. We have to go see McCoy on Monday – "

Alex gives me a glare similar to the one she gave the ER nurse. "Casey, this is more important than going to see McCoy. We can postpone your court date, and you know it. You have a medical excuse. So don't even use that. Just relax. This has to be done."

Relax? How can I relax? Dr. Gordon has a scalpel in his hand and he lowers it to my left ribcage. I bite my lip and turn my head away; even though I can't feel him making an incision, I know he's doing it. Alex starts to stroke my hair and is talking reassuringly to me. It only takes Dr. Gordon maybe two minutes to complete the incision. The nurse dabs up the blood, and then he changes his gloves and picks up the free end of the tube.

This is when I break down. I am absolutely terrified. Not even about the pain, really; I'm terrified because I've never been in this situation before. What if something goes wrong? I know my life isn't fun or easy, but I definitely don't want to die.

"Please," I find myself begging, nearly crying. "Isn't there another way?"

"Aw, Casey," Alex says, resuming stroking my hair again. "Look at me, Casey." I force myself to look into her kind eyes and she smiles. "I know you're scared. But I'm here, remember? It's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere."

I give her a small nod, and then give my consent to Dr. Gordon to continue. He gets right down to business. "Okay. Now Casey, you will feel this going into your lung, but it will hurt for only a few minutes. Let me know when you're ready."

Alex squeezes my hand tightly and touches my cheek with her free hand. "Casey, eyes on me okay? Focus on me." She's gently stroking my cheek and the gesture is so kind and soft that it nearly relaxes me. Nearly.

I lock my eyes onto Alex just like she told me too, then I swallow and tell Dr. Gordon, "Okay, I'm ready."

"Okay. Take as deep a breath as you can and hold it until I tell you to let it out. But don't strain yourself. Just as deep a breath as you can manage. Okay?"

I nod and take a deep breath, and it isn't much. Good thing he isn't expecting a giant breath. I hold it, which is incredibly painful.

Then I feel the tube sliding inside the incision. It takes a minute for the pain to register, but once it does, it's bad. I squeeze my eyes closed and struggle to hold that breathe.

"That's great, Casey. It's almost over," Alex encourages me. "You're doing so well."

After just a minute or so, the pain starts to dull to just a minor discomfort and I'm able to open my eyes. The first thing I see is Alex's sparkling blue eyes, and a smile stretched across her face. What a wonderful thing to open your eyes up to.

I feel strange, like I'm full of air. I can breathe, but my breathing comes out shallow and jagged. But it's no longer painful.

"Breathing will get easier," Dr. Gordon explains as he reads the confused expression on my face. "And the IV drip continues Morphine, so you shouldn't be feeling much pain. We're going to give this some time to work, and we'll check on your lung progress in a few hours. In the meantime, just relax and breathe normally, and stay as still as possible. We'd like you to get some rest. I'll send the nurse in with a mild sedative so you can sleep."

"Do I have to have the sedative? I'd rather be awake," I object.

"We'd like you to sleep. It will help regulate your lungs. Once you wake up, we should be able to monitor the progress. The sedative is mild and will only knock you out for a few hours."

I look right at Alex and say, "I don't want it."

And she looks right at Dr. Gordon and says, "Please send the nurse in. She hasn't gotten much sleep the past couple of nights; she _does _need a good rest."

If I weren't in this bed with a tube stuck in my lung, I'd kill her.

"Alex, I don't want – "

"Casey," she says authoritatively, touching my cheek again. That touch makes me melt completely. "You're getting the sedative. Stop fighting what's right. Sleep, and when you wake up you'll feel better and I'll still be here."

"You don't have to stay," I tell her, all the while secretly hoping she will. "Go home. I'm okay."

She smiles at me and moves her hand from my cheek to my hair again. "I'm staying here. Don't worry about anything. Don't worry about McCoy or what's going to happen…just focus on getting better. You'll only be here a couple days; it won't kill you. It will give Elliot and Olivia more time to track down witnesses at the bar, and I'll get your arraignment date postponed. I'll take care of it. I'll take care of _you_. Just turn your mind off and stop worrying for once. Can you do that?"

As she's speaking, the nurse comes back into the room with another syringe. I know this is the sedative, but I don't fight her as she forgoes the IV and injects it directly into my arm. Once all the liquid has entered my bloodstream, she says something to Alex I don't quite catch, and the steps out of the room.

Alex laughs a little. "There, Novak. Finally something to shut you up."

I manage a smile. "You can never shut me up."

But I'm already starting to feel drowsy. I'm fighting sleep, struggling to keep my eyes open. Alex is talking to me, but I can't focus on what she's saying. I can feel her hand in mind, but her voice sounds quiet and far away.

Then I close my eyes and surrender completely to sleep.

* * *

When I wake up, the first thing I notice is that I have a stiff neck. I've been sleeping with my head turned oddly to the right, and the position has caused a kink in it. As if I needed anything else on me to hurt.

It takes my mind a minute to fully wake up. I know where I am, but even though I'm awake, I still feel incredibly groggy. I try and straighten myself up, and as I'm pushing myself into a sitting position I notice a large puddle of drool on my pillow. How classy.

Alex is sitting in a chair across the room, engaged in a magazine. She's not yet aware that I'm awake. I can see her lips moving as she reads and it makes me smile – she's so cute. I could stare at her all day. It almost makes it worth it to be stuck in this uncomfortable hospital bed.

I must make a sound or a movement, because Alex suddenly looks up and smiles when she sees me. She immediately gets up and moves to the chair next to my bed, handing me a foam cup with a straw. "Hey, Casey! So glad you're awake. You look much better. Here, drink this water."

I take a few sips of the water. It feels good on my dry throat. After I'm done I hand it back to Alex and yawn; I'm still so tired. "How long was I asleep?"

"About five hours."

"_Five _hours? And you've been here the whole time?" I ask incredulously

"Well, not the entire time. Elliot and Olivia came up and we talked in the hall. They have something to tell you, but it has to wait at least until tomorrow. You don't need too much at once. You need to recover. How are you feeling?"

I take inventory of myself. My arm and ribs have a dull ache, probably due to the Morphine in my IV. The tube is my lung still feels strange and uncomfortable and I've very tired, but other than that I'm okay.

"I feel okay. Groggy, but in way less pain than before and overall okay."

Alex beams at me. "Good." She turns to the stand by my bed and hands me a menu. "Dr. Gordon said you need to eat when you wake up. Pick something – you can have _anything_."

I flip through the menu and wrinkle my nose. There's steak, quiche, cornbread…lots of choices. But every picture I see is turning me off more than the one before it. "None of this looks good. It doesn't even look like food."

Alex takes the menu from me. "Well, are you hungry?"

"Actually, yes."

A smile spreads across Alex's face and she gets up out of her chair and picks up a white plastic bag from on top of the dresser. She saunters back over to me and holds the bag out as if it were a gift. "I thought you might be…and I snuck a peek at your food choices and just happen to agree with you." She sits down and opens the bag, looking behind her at the door before pulling out a white foam container. "So I stepped out and got you this. I remember you saying you were a greasy burger type of girl, and there's a burger place across the street. It's deluxe, and actually looks good."

I stare at the humongous burger and my eyes go wide in surprise. It looks absolutely delicious, and a smile spreads across my face to rival Alex's. "That looks wonderful…but am I allowed to have it?"

"Probably not," Alex says with a laugh. "I don't think hospitals like outside food."

"Yeah; they want to keep their patients sick with the crap they serve here," I tell her.

"You're probably right. But you're going to eat this anyway; I'll take full blame for it. With what you've been through, you deserve this burger." Alex sits the burger down and digs out some napkins from the bag. "I got plastic knives too, in case you want to cut it up into smaller bites. Might make it easier to eat in here; it looks pretty messy."

"Good idea. I'll take them – thanks."

Alex places the container on my lap and provides me with a stack of napkins and a plastic knife. The scent of the burger makes my stomach growl and I immediately start to cut into it. But I run into difficulties. It's not easy cutting the burger with a plastic knife, let alone using my left hand.

Alex notices my struggle and takes the foam container from me. "Here – I'll cut it into manageable pieces for you."

I say nothing as Alex goes to work cutting the burger for me. I watch her intently, my heart swelling with warm feelings. She remembered I liked burgers. She stayed here with me until I woke up. She's cutting my burger for me.

Her hair falls in her face as she leans over and finishes cutting my burger. She flicks her head to clear it from her eyes, and I have to look away from her. It's becoming damn near impossible to harbor these feelings.

Alex looks up and smiles again, and once more places the container on my lap. She situates it so it's just so and won't spill over. And when she goes to step away, she brushes her hand against mine.

And that's all it takes. I can't do this anymore. The flood gates suddenly open and I find myself saying, "Alex, I want to tell you something." She sits down and looks at me in surprise, but nods. I psych myself up, and then say, "I'm attracted to you. I've felt this for a while, but it's getting stronger. You said we have a connection…it's true. I find myself thinking about you all the time. You're so attentive and caring, and beautiful. I'm attracted to you, Alex. And I don't know what to do about it."

Once the words are out, I want nothing more than to take them back. They were premature and seemed to slip out without my permission, and I'm mortified.

I expect Alex to laugh or at least say something to make me feel better about what I just confessed. But instead she sits back in her chair and sighs. "What do you want me to do about it, Casey? Why are you telling me this? Do you think it makes what's happening easier? It doesn't – it complicates it."

Her harsh tone shocks me and my face falls in disappointment. She almost sounds…mad. "I – I'm sorry. I didn't mean – "

"I know what you didn't _mean _to do, Casey. Save it. Telling me what you just did doesn't help things at all. You know how I've been optimistic and saying everything is going to be all right, that we can fix this Rebecca thing? Well, I'm saying it for your sake. I'm trying real hard to believe that, but it isn't easy. While you were sleeping, I found out that Rebecca saw a neurologist today. He says she'll have permanent brain damage – if she wakes up at all."

I look down at my blanket and gently start to cry. Oh my God…I can't believe I did that to Rebecca…And how could Alex tell me now? Of all the times to tell me, it has to be _now_?

"Why did you just tell me this?" I ask Alex, in between tears. "Didn't you say I need to focus on getting better and not think of anything else? Why would you tell me now, Alex?"

I can see regret in Alex's eyes, but it's too late. The damage is done. After a slight hesitation she says, "Because you need to know the truth. You need to know the difficulty of this. You have no idea what I am doing to try and get you out of this, and I will continue to do it, but you don't help matters by suddenly saying you have a 'crush' on me. Do you know the pressure that puts on me? How am I even supposed to respond to that?"

I regret everything; _everything_. I regret letting Rebecca hurt me, I regret hurting her back, but mostly I regret letting Alex into my life. I shouldn't have dragged her into this. I can see now what it's costing her. I should be facing this alone; I deserve to be alone.

But the thing I feel for her isn't a 'crush'…and she needs to know that. "Alex…it isn't a 'crush'. I feel something for you. I feel it whenever you touch me, or – "

Alex holds up her hand and rises out of her chair. "Stop. Just stop – okay? I can't handle this right now." She's pacing in front of my hospital bed and all I can do is watch her in shock. Alex is _never _this uncomposed. She tops suddenly and looks at me. "You shouldn't have told me. Not here, not right now. You're in the hospital with a collapsed lung, for God's sake. What is the matter with you?"

I look down at the blankets again in shame, feeling a tear slide down my cheek. "I'm sorry," I say again, feeling emptiness build back up inside me.

Alex lingers by the door and sighs again. Then she says, "I have to get out of here for a while."

I lift my head just in time to see her walk out the door and disappear from sight.

**Oh no...Alex rejected Casey! Why do you think she rejected her? Does she share the same feelings, just can't admit them? Or was it simply the timing that was bad? And what does this mean for Casey and her charges, especially now that she knows Rebecca's prognosis? What do you think will happen? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I am very impressed that so many like this story - thank you! It's different than the kind of Alex/Casey stories I've done, but I think I'm happy with it so far. And aside from being a dramatic story, keep in mind it's also a love story too...we'll get to that :) Enjoy the update!**

As soon as Alex has disappeared out the door, I am mentally kicking myself. That was _so _stupid! How could I let those words slip out right here and right now? She's right; my focus should be on the charges I'm facing. I shouldn't even be thinking those kinds of thoughts.

My feelings for Alex probably aren't real anyway. She's been showing me care and affection – things I'm not used to – and in my mind I have stupidly confused friendship for romantic feelings. And in the process, I probably destroyed any type of friendship we had.

Alex was uncomfortable with what I said; she was angry even. And rightly so. She's working hard to help me through this stage in my life, and how do I repay her? I put on the spot and tell her I have feelings for her while I'm hooked up to a lung machine in the hospital and felony charges are pending against me.

You're a smart one, Casey. Alex is probably never going to want to see me again.

Rebecca suddenly enters my mind, and I think about what Alex told me. She'll have permanent brain damage, if she even wakes up at all. I let the knowledge sink in. I've destroyed Rebecca's life. I didn't have to strike her with the lamp…but it was like I couldn't stop myself. It was as if someone else was controlling me. And I didn't even hit her that hard! If she hadn't hit the coffee table, I think things would be much better.

Rebecca made me miserable for six months. Now I've made her miserable for the rest of her life. It's not a fair trade-off.

I deserve to pay for what I did. I'm not going to defend myself; there_ is_ no defense for what I did. And I'm not going to let Alex try and talk McCoy into dropping the charges. I'm going to go to my arraignment and plead guilty, because I _am _guilty. I'll accept whatever punishment I'm given; I deserve it, after all.

I was a fool to think my life would get any better. Alex was the only good thing I had going for me, and now I'll be lucky if she even _looks _at me again. What's here for me, anyway?

A couple hours pass since I last saw Alex, in that timeframe I've visited by Dr. Gordon and two nurses, who all tell me my progress is good and I can go home Monday morning. I was hoping for tomorrow, but they want to keep me an extra day for observation. Fine with me, I guess. I don't think I can stay with Alex anyway; not after how uncomfortable I made her. I'll have to go back to my apartment and stay there while I still have it, then find a hotel I can afford.

Olivia and Elliot come to see me that evening. They're all smiles, and Elliot has a "Get Well" balloon for me, and Olivia has a red teddy bear. I smile as they place the gifts on the shelf across the room where I can see them. Just the fact that they thought of me makes me feel a _little _better.

Elliot sits in the chair Alex had vacated, and Olivia opts to sit down on the edge of the bed. I feel a little awkward with them. We haven't even had a chance to get reacquainted before all this went down. And Olivia was with me what I snapped. She saw me at the lowest point in my life. How can I look her in the eyes?

Elliot is the first to breach the silence that has befallen us. "You're looking much better. Do you feel better?"

Physically, yes. Emotionally – not so much. I'm a wreck.

"It depends on what you mean," I tell Elliot, not even able to smile. He nods in understanding. "But at least I can breathe and I'm not in horrible pain." But I should be. I _deserve _to be.

"I know this is hard, Casey," Olivia says kindly, smiling at me sympathetically and covering my hand with hers. "But we're all here for you."

I scoff at that. "Not Alex. I scared her away." Olivia and Elliot exchange glances and I feel my heart plummet. "Did she tell you what happened? About what I said?"

"She did," Olivia answers. "And Casey, you didn't scare her away. She cares about you. She was surprised, yes. And I think a little overwhelmed. I don't know if you realize it or not, but she's been working nonstop to get these charges dropped against you. She's been on the phone with her connections, she got the records from the hospital already…she never stops. She's determined to help you. And I think when you revealed what you did, it was just too much. She saw too many complications, and it just overwhelmed her. She didn't mean to react the way she did."

"That's right, Casey," Elliot pipes up, looking at me with a very serious expression. "She came out and talked to us. She's okay; really. She just needed some time to process what you said. She'll be back. She said she had to make a few more calls."

Guilt flares up again. Alex needs to stop working so hard for me – there won't _be _anything to work for. I'm accepting the charges, and pleading guilty to avoid a trial. She doesn't have to do anything. I'm a big girl, and I'm responsible for my own actions.

"I feel so foolish," I tell them, my face actually growing hot. "I should have kept that to myself. I…I don't even know _what _I feel for her, really."

"You shouldn't be thinking about that right now," Olivia tells me sternly. "She's your friend, and that's what you need right now. Us too – we're your friends. As long as you know who your friends are, you'll get through this. I'm your friend, Elliot's your friend, and Alex is your friend – she's done nothing but fight for you these past couple of days. Trust her."

I want to tell Elliot and Olivia that I'm not going to fight what's happening to me, but I know they'll tell Alex. And it's something I need to tell her in person; not something she needs to hear second-hand. So I keep it to myself.

"I'm so sorry you guys. For everything. It was my idea to get us all together. Alex wanted back in your lives, and she was scared to reach out to you on her own. I wanted to help…but I'm afraid I made things worse. I got us together, all right; but not in the way I planned at all. I never wanted any of you to have to try and 'fix' my life. I feel terrible about all of it."

Elliot smiles at me. "Casey, don't be ridiculous. We're glad to be back in both of your lives. And we're happy to help – what else are friends for? In fact…" he looks at Olivia and then back to me. "Should I tell her, or do you want to?"

Olivia shrugs. "Go ahead; tell her."

Elliot returns his attention to me. "We were able to track down two witnesses from 'Stan's' who saw Rebecca attack you. Apparently they are both regular patrons there. They've both given their complete statements, and both are willing to testify in court if it were to come to that."

Both of them are looking at me so happily. They expect some sort of happy response from me. In a case like mine, finding willing witnesses is a _huge _deal. I should be turning cartwheels. I should be hugging them both and getting down to kiss their feet.

But I know it makes no difference. Yes Rebecca abused me for six months, and yes I defended myself, but I nearly killed her. I ruined her life forever. I let it get as far as it did when I could have walked away six months ago after the first time she hit me and avoided all this.

This is _all _my fault – no one else's.

They've worked so hard for me – I can't tell them I'm giving up. It will be hard enough to tell Alex.

But all I can muster up to say is, "Thank, guys. Thanks for caring." And suddenly all I want is for them to be gone. The guilt I'm feeling having them here is immense. They are going to be so disappointed when Alex tells them I'm throwing in the towel. So I lie back against my pillow and use my injuries and hospitalization as an excuse for them to slip out. "I'm really tired, guys. Can we talk about this later?"

They both stand in unison and Elliot answers. "Of course. We'll let you get some rest. Alex should be back soon."

They both lean down to hug me and leave me with kind words, but as I lie there alone thinking about everything that's happening, I'm anything _but _comforted. Without warning, I start to cry. Not for myself; but for Rebecca and for my friends who I'm about to let down.

And then suddenly – and seemingly from out of nowhere – Alex is there. She sweeps into the room like an angel and before I can react at all she's sat down the papers that were in her hands and she's sitting on the edge of the bed where Olivia had sat, her arm around my shoulders and talking softly to me, "Oh my God Casey, what's wrong?"

What's wrong? Is she actually asking me _what's wrong_? She can't figure it out on her own? Did she forget our last conversation, and the way she ran away from me as if I were the Boogie Man? And did she forget that just told me that I gave Rebecca permanent brain damage? What the hell does she _think _is wrong? And can she be acting all lovey-dovey with me after the way she ran out of here?

I shake her off, and Alex looks momentarily confused, but accepts I don't want her comfort right now and sits down in the chair by my bed. She lets me continue to cry, and hands me a box of tissues from the stand by the bed when I'm finished.

"You okay?" she asks again, watching me closely with concern.

I manage to nod, tossing the waded up tissue to the foot of the bed. The crying jag has caused my ribs to start hurting again, but with the powerful pain medication I'm receiving, it's nowhere near as bad as it was.

I force myself to look at Alex. I can't meet her eyes; I feel too ashamed, too awkward. She knows how I feel about her, and she doesn't feel the same. How in the world are we going to get past this?

"No, I'm not okay," I finally say. "Rebecca has permanent brain damage because of me."

Alex sighs deeply. "Casey…I shouldn't have told you that right now. I'm sorry. I was really going to wait until you were out of the hospital, but what you said kind of freaked me out, and the words just slipped out. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to put anything else on your mind while you were in here."

"Thanks for the consideration," I say sarcastically, not about to let her off the hook so easily. "I understand I shouldn't have revealed what I did, but you acted pretty childish about it, Alex. Running out of here like I contagious or something. I know I put you on the spot and made you feel uncomfortable, but what did you expect me to think?" Frustration has caught up to me now and I'm about to let her have it. "Look at the way you act around me. You yourself said you have trouble being affectionate with people; except with me. You let me sleep on you, you pay more attention to me than my own mother…and then you say I'm like a 'sister' to you. Do you know how confusing that is? To not be able to decide if someone is your friend, or if they share the same feelings you do? I can't help the way I feel about you, Alex. And I'm sorry it has to be this way. I'll go back to my apartment after I'm released and then find a hotel after this month is up."

"No, you won't," Alex tells me sternly, adjusting her glasses on her face as if to tell me she means business. "And you're right – I did act childish about what you said, and I'm sorry. It just shocked me…but that's no excuse. I should have stayed here like an adult and discussed it with you. But you have to admit, the timing was a bit bad."

Okay, it was; I'll give her that one. "Yes, it was. I admit it."

"But Casey…" Alex shakes her head and sighs, seemingly at a loss for words. _I_ put Alex Cabot at a loss for words. I should receive an award for that. I don't think it's been done very often. "Let's not talk about this subject right now, okay? It's not the time or the place. We have to address it sooner or later, but for now let's put it on the back burner. We have more important issues at hand."

"I can't, Alex," I confess to her. "It's not that easy."

"Yes, it is. Learn to compartmentalize. Tackle one thing at a time. I'm still your friend, Casey. I'll always be your friend. And I'm not letting you go back to that apartment or to a hotel. You're still staying in my guest bedroom. We're two adults – we can handle staying together, even if there is some awkwardness. And besides, Olivia and Elliot are packing your apartment up for you and bringing everything over to my place. You can keep it in boxes if you want, but I thought you'd want it with you."

Why is she doing this? Does she feel sorry for me? Or does she really think I deserve this kindness?

I don't even know what to say to her. If someone confessed they had romantic feelings for me and I didn't share them, I certainly wouldn't want to share an apartment with them, even for a brief period of time. I'd never get past the awkwardness. But Alex…I guess Alex is a better person than me. In fact, I _know _she is.

"Can we agree not to talk about that particular subject now? Please?" Alex asks.

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. "Okay. But the other issue – Rebecca – is entirely my fault. I did that to her, Alex. I ruined her life."

"Casey, you have to remember, you're her victim. She abused you for six months. Mentally and physically. That takes a toll, especially when it's constant like that. She made you hate yourself. She stole your money and your property, and she broke your spirit. _She _destroyed _your _life. She pushed you to your breaking point, and you snapped. You didn't just hit her out of nowhere – you thought she was going to attack you. Olivia was there; she saw it, and she knew why you did it. She'll testify in court if it comes to that. She saw the fear in your eyes, Casey; you were scared to death. You acted like anyone would have acted in your situation."

That's not true – Rebecca wasn't the only thing to destroy my life and break my spirit. I'm partially to blame for it too. When my law license got suspended, it devastated me so deeply that it started my life on this downward spiral. It clouded my judgment and allowed me to stay with an abuser, something I never would have done before, because I felt I deserved the abuse. I didn't hate myself because of Rebecca – I hated myself (and I still do) because of _me. _

Alex isn't done speaking yet. "What happened to her is bad, but it's not your fault, even though I know you feel like it is. And things are going to be okay – I'll get your court date pushed back and we'll go talk to McCoy. I have the hospital records, Olivia and Elliot found some witnesses from the bar, and – "

"I don't want to go to McCoy. I don't deserve to have the charges dropped. And I don't want it to go to trial either." Alex is looking at me like I have two heads, and I continue. "I'll go to my arraignment on Tuesday as scheduled and plead guilty."

Right now Alex's face looks like something out of a cartoon. She looks like she wants to scream, cry, and go mad in frustration all at the same time. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes right away and gathers her thoughts well before she vocalizes them. And when she does, she comes up with, "Are you insane?!"

"No," I tell her flatly. "I'm guilty."

Alex puts her hands to her forehead and shakes her head, sighing deeply again. She leans forward in the chair and takes another moment to think. I can see her bursting at the seams. She just can't believe what she just heard. "Casey…that is a _huge _mistake, and you know it. You'll go to jail. There would be nothing I could do if you plead guilty."

"I know. I don't want or need you to do anything. I told you, I'm guilty. I deserve to be punished."

"But you _are_ being punished, Casey! You've been punished for six months! Look what you're going through!" She gestures to me. "You have tube in your lung, broken ribs, a broken arm, you lost your job and your apartment, not to mention all the things she did to you before now."

"Look what _she's _going through!" I point out. "She's lying unconscious in a hospital bed, and _if _she wakes up, she'll have brain damage. She'll most likely need care for the rest of her life. Because of _me_." A tear slides down my cheek. "How am I supposed to live with that? And what if she dies?"

Alex's expression and tone softens when she sees how upset I am. She lowers her voice to a near whisper and I can tell she wants to touch me, but she holds back. "I know, Casey – I know. It has got to be hard. But you have to believe me when I say it isn't your fault, and you don't deserve to go to jail. You're not a criminal. You're an intelligent, compassionate, sweet person who got a rotten deal on life and deserves so much better. You have a future, Casey, even if you don't see it._ I_ see it."

Another tear slides down my cheek. How can she see a future for a screw-up like me? There's nothing out there for me. I have two more years of my license being suspended – what's my future? Going back to work at the restaurant after my arm heals? Hating my job and myself every day? Living at my friend's apartment? I don't think so. I'd rather rot in a jail cell. At least I'd know I was getting what I actually deserved.

"Don't let Rebecca define who you are, Casey Novak," Alex says, this time reaching out and touching my arm. "You're so much better than all of this. I believe in you."

I haven't heard anyone besides Alex say those words and mean them for a long, long time. And even though I feel badly for myself right now, hearing Alex say them actually makes me feel a little better.

"But I still deserve to pay, Alex," I say sadly, looking down at my blanket.

"Why?" she demands, frustration evident in her voice again. "You take your life and throw it around like it's worthless!" she says. Her voice is betraying her and I start crying again but she doesn't stop. "And it's not true Casey, because you are not worthless! You are _not _worthless!"

I pick up the box of tissues and dab my eyes again, growing frustrated myself. Why doesn't Alex just give up? Why is she doing this to me? I told her what I wanted – why can't she respect that?

"Prove it to me, Alex. Prove to me that I'm not worthless. Prove to me that I have any kind of future at all." Alex just sits there staring at me, and I scoff. "I thought so; you can't prove it because it's not true."

Alex cocks her head and me and squints her eyes, deep in concentration. "Really? You think I can't prove it?"

"I _know _you can't."

Alex stares at me for a minute. Then, without another word, she leans forward and kisses me.

**Ohhhh! Alex kissed her! What do you think? Is that enough to convince Casey not to give up? How will Casey react? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger :) This chapter took longer than expected to get done. But enjoy!**

I break the kiss first. Not because I don't want to kiss Alex – I very much do – but because I'm unsure of the reasoning behind it. I'm beyond confused. Didn't Alex just say she wanted to put the discussion about romantic feelings on the back burner? Then why did she just kiss me?

I pull back and lean against my pillow, and Alex reads the perplexed expression on my face. Before she can put any words together, I demand, "What the hell was that?"

She looks away from me shyly. Alex Cabot – feeling shy. Unheard of. I have her all tongue-tied and at a loss for words. I continue to stare at her until she finds adequate words to answer me with. "Yeah, um, sorry, Casey. I know I must have confused the hell out of you."

"That's an understatement!" I tell her. "First you tell me that you don't want to talk about my feelings towards you, then you _kiss _me? That is beyond confusing…it's just _wrong_. What do you want?"

Alex's warm blue eyes lock and mine and she smiles. "I really do like you, Casey. I have feelings for you too."

I feel like someone has just given me an award. I actually feel all warm inside, and a smile spreads out across my face. The sorrow and guilt I was feeling only moments before has completely vanished and been replaced with some semblance of a happy feeling.

Alex Cabot has feelings for _me_. The most beautiful, intelligent and confident woman on this planet likes _me._

I can only sit there in shock as she begins to speak again. "When you said you felt the same, it caught me off-guard. I hadn't planned on bringing any of this up right now. We have way too much to think about and do…and I had meant it when I said this needed to be on the back burner for now. But when you started talking about pleading guilty and your arraignment and giving up…I couldn't take it, Casey. I couldn't stand hearing you talk that way. I hate that you feel so badly about yourself that you believe you're not worth fighting for. You have a future, and I wanted you to see it. I kissed you because I wanted you to know that you have someone to fight for. It wasn't how I imagined kissing you for the first time, believe me. But I think you needed it."

I'm in utter disbelief, but Alex is right – I _did _need it. All I could think about in that moment was Alex, and what it would be like to be with her. How it would be wonderful to be touched in a kind and loving way every day, and how much I'd enjoy gazing into those soulful blue eyes daily. I've never known anyone like Alex before – I really don't like anyone else like her exists.

But I need to know if this is real, or just a ploy to make me not give up. "Why do you have feelings for me?" I ask her.

Alex reaches onto the bed and takes my hand, squeezing it gently. "Because I think you're amazing, Casey. At first I didn't feel this way about you, but after we started hanging out and I got to know you, I realized I felt something much more than friendship. And when we laid together in bed…it wasn't sexual at all, I know, but it felt so good and so right. It felt like where I belonged."

My eyes are watering now, and Alex squeezes my hand again when she sees my tears and then continues. "I like everything about you. I know you don't think much of yourself, but there's so much about you that's special. You've been through hell, and you're still a nice, considerate person. You're intelligent. You're beautiful. You have a good heart. And you're way too down on yourself. Despite what you might think, you deserve _none _of the abuse you received. I know getting your license suspended spun you off your axis a little, but Casey, it doesn't have to end your life. You have so much more to offer. And I'm going to make sure you know that. I'm going to fight alongside you, and make you realize that you are a valuable person and that you mean something to the world. You're not allowed to give up, Casey. You're not allowed to give up, because I feel in my gut that you – Casey Novak – are going to make something incredible out of your life. And if you give up, there's no hope for the rest of us."

I can't believe what I just heard. Alex thinks I have worth. She thinks I'm somebody worth saving. I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now, probably because I haven't felt it for a long time. I _think_ it's a small amount of hope and happiness.

Alex suddenly goes very serious and squeezes my hand harder. "And what you have to be understanding about, Casey, is this - I've never been with a woman before. I've never had these types of feelings for one until now. And it…kind of scares me. So I'm just going to ask you to be patient with me, okay? This is all new to me."

I have no idea how to respond to what Alex has said at all. This is all overwhelming. Moments ago I was certain I was going to plead guilty, and now my world has been turned upside down. I have no idea what I should do about myself, and I'm the first woman Alex has had feelings for. How can this be? I'm nowhere near good enough for her.

Alex is looking at me like she wants me to say something, but I can only stare at her. "Casey – some sort of response would be nice."

I snap out of my daze and finally allow myself to form words. "I'm sorry. It's just…this is a little overwhelming. When you ran from my room, I thought you didn't feel the same and we could never be friends again. My insecurities went back up. And now – " I swallow harshly. "Now I don't know _what _to think, Alex. I'm so happy you have feelings for me…but what do I have to offer you? I have no job, no money, I'm living at your apartment, I'm facing felony charges…what basis do we have for a relationship? When I told you my feelings, I never expected either of us would act on them – I just wanted to be honest and tell you how I felt."

"That's what I wanted too – to be honest with you," Alex tells me. "That's why I told you it's my first time having these feelings for a woman. So you'd understand if I'm not…good at this. It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship at all. And I do want to try with you. You mean a lot to me, and I like you too much to not make an effort. I think it's going to be hard…but I'm up for the challenge. I'll make some mistakes, Casey, but if you can forgive them, I promise I'll be loyal and always have your back."

She has tears in her beautiful blue eyes, and it makes me smile. It makes me smile, despite everything that is happening. Despite being in the hospital and facing criminal charges, at this moment, I'm truly _happy_. I want this to last forever.

Alex is interlocking her fingers with me and she smiles warmly at me. "So…what do you say? Want to give me a chance? Take pity on a girl who has only the purest intentions?"

I want to say yes. I want to jump up on the bed and pull this tube and these IVs out of me and go running down the hospital corridors yelling at the top of my lungs in happiness. But I'm realistic. There are hurdles we are going to have to get past. _Big _hurdles. As much as I want this…I'm not sure I can clear those hurdles.

I let out my breath and close my eyes. "I want to say yes, Alex. But how can I? You were right – my timing was horrible. I never should have opened this can of worms right now. I'm facing _felony _charges. I could wind up in jail for a long time. Why start something that we won't get to finish?"

"You aren't going to jail, Casey," Alex says again, in a stern tone. "You aren't pleading guilty, and you aren't going to jail. We're going to do just what I said…and you're going to be okay." She waits for my response and when I give none, she says, "You _can't _plead guilty, Casey."

"But, Alex, I deserve to be punished. You know how I feel. I ruined Rebecca's life. I know she ruined mine too, but I permanently wrecked hers. Where's the fairness in me just walking away?"

Alex is frustrated. I can see it in her eyes. "Where's the fairness in you giving up? You're better than this. You need to fight, Casey. You weren't in the wrong. And you have so many people who will be behind you…so many people who will care. If you plead guilty, you are turning your back on every single one of them. And that's not fair either."

A tear slides down my cheek and I lower my voice. "But Alex – I have _nothing_."

"Not true," she says, positioning herself in front of me again. Without warning, she plants another sweet kiss to my lips. When she pulls away, she holds her face inches from mine and says, "You have _me_." Tears are spilling out of each eye now. "Let me help you. Let me show you that you are worthy of a happy life. Please."

Staring into those blue orbs that reflect nothing but kindness and car, how in the world can I say no? I know she is honestly fighting for me. I trust her completely.

And I know I have to stop being selfish. Wanting to give up and be alone is a cowardly, selfish thing to do. I have Alex, and I have Olivia and Elliot. People who _care_. How can I let them down?

I swallow harshly and meet Alex's gaze once more. Once I have it, I hold it and say, "Okay – I'll fight. I won't give up."

Alex squeezes my hand again, and leans over to give me a hug. I instinctively flinch at first, and Alex notices. Sudden movements like that startle me. Rebecca never used to hug me. Our contact was only negative and would always end in me being in pain. I'm not yet completely used to good touches.

I stare at Alex, blinking my eyes, and a knowing expression grazes her beautiful face as I struggle to explain what I'm feeling. I know I owe her an explanation. "I – I'm sorry," I stutter. "It's just that – "

Alex shakes her head, and touches my cheek with the back of her hand, smiling sympathetically. I immediately melt under her touch; this feels _so nice_. "Don't explain, Casey – I understand. It will take some time. But soon you'll realize that you deserved to be touched in this way. You deserve to be hugged, and you deserve to be kissed. You deserve everything you have been denied." She moves her hand down to mine and squeezes it again. "And I'm going to teach you."

We interlace our fingers again, and I sit back against my pillow, enjoying the feel of my hand in Alex's. We're still gazing into each other's eyes, and suddenly we're the only people on earth. The only two people who matter, anyway.

Maybe things really _will _be okay, with Alex by my side.

* * *

Monday morning I am released from the hospital before nine AM. My lung is repairing itself nicely, and I no longer have to fight for breath. I'm given strict instructions for bed rest for at least another week to prevent another lung injury and allow my ribs to start to heal.

My arraignment was set for tomorrow, but Alex got it pushed back to Friday. She says because of my "medical excuse" – but she forgets that I used to be an ADA, and I know that in order to grant a medical excuse, the defendant has to be in the hospital at the time of arraignment or damn near dying. And I'm neither of those. So I think Alex being Alex Cabot has something to do with my arraignment being rescheduled.

And Alex keeps saying I won't need to go anyway – she's so sure we can convince McCoy to drop the charges. I wish I shared her enthusiasm; but sadly, I don't. I'm not as optimistic about it.

Alex takes a half day off work to bring me back to her apartment from the hospital and help me get settled. I know Olivia and Elliot could have handled this just as well, but I don't say anything to Alex. She's being super sweet. She brought me a little teddy bear and is sitting next to me on the bed as I wait for my final discharge papers.

There's something on my mind that I want to put out there, but I'm not sure how Alex is going to react. She'll either be okay with what I'm going to say, or she'll freak. It will be one extreme or the other. But I have to say it before we leave the hospital.

"Alex?" I call softy, causing Alex to take my hand again and turn and look at me. "I want to ask you something."

"Of course. Ask."

"Do you think it would be okay if I saw Rebecca before we left?"

The look on Alex's face right now is priceless. Her eyes are wide and she's staring straight ahead. I can almost feel her panic. It's several seconds before she's able to look at me. "Why would you want to?"

"I just…need to see her. I want to apologize to her."

Alex sighs heavily. "Casey...under the circumstances, they won't _let _you see her. And it's not a good idea anyway; seeing her will make you feel worse."

"I'm an adult, Alex. I think I can make my own decisions."

Alex doesn't like this suggestion one bit, and really, I don't blame her. In her place, I would think it was ridiculous too. But I _need _to see her. In order to come to terms with what I've done, I need to see it with my own eyes; however painful and difficult it may be.

Alex sighs again. I can feel a change in her posture and her attitude. "We'll go to ICU. We'll talk to her doctor. Okay?"

We don't get a chance to discuss it further. A nurse comes in with my discharge papers and goes over my rest instructions for the millionth time. I am barely listening to her – I'm just anxious to get out of here. I get a copy of my discharge papers and two more slings for my arm, and then I'm on my way.

It's awkward to walk. I'm on a very strong pain medication now so the pain is minimal, but it still feels strange, as if I've been in bed for days. The only pain I'm really feeling is my ribs jolting around and my left side where they had inserted the tube. I'll have a scar there. But my arm doesn't hurt at all and at least I can breathe again.

I purposely walk slowly to avoid strain and further damage to my ribs and lungs. Alex is walking right beside me, her hand on my back, making sure I'm taking it slow and steady. We get onto the elevator, and she breaks contact with me for the first time since leaving my hospital room. And _that _feels strange.

Alex pushes the button for the second floor and then stands next to me, offering her support if I need it. But I feel pretty steady right now. Worn out, but steady.

"ICU is on the second floor," Alex announces. She still looks uneasy and unsure about me wanting to see Rebecca. As soon as the elevator doors slide open on the second floor, she looks at me. "Are you sure about this?"

I just nod and we step out of the elevator together. I start to approach the desk to inquire as to what room Rebecca is in, but Alex gently takes my arm and starts leading me down the hall on the left. I'm confused at first until I remember that Alex has spoken to her doctor already, so of course she knows what room she is in. Unless they have moved her.

My heart starts to pound and I feel sicker with each step I take. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…I feel like I'm actually sweating. Seeing Rebecca is going to make this all real. Instinctively I reach out and seek out Alex's hand. She takes it and smiles at me.

_I can do this. Alex is by my side, and she believes in me. I can do this._

We stop in front of room 232. The door is open, and my breath catches in my throat as I stop dead in my tracks. That is it…she's in there. A few more feet and I'll be able to look inside and see her.

But I can't make myself move. I'm like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. Alex gives me a squeeze and whispers to me, "You shouldn't go inside, Casey. We'll find her doctor."

I know I shouldn't go inside. Every logical part of me is screaming at me to turn around and abandon this crazy idea. But I _can't. _It's like my mind is working on its own right now.

Alex tells me not to move and steps away to go find a nurse. In the second it takes her to leave my side, I take those two awful steps and put myself in front of Rebecca's open door. All I have to do is turn my head…

And then an angry voice calls out, "What are _you_ doing here?"

I turn just in time to see a woman literally come running out of Rebecca's room. It's her mother. I'd only met her once, but I'd recognize her anywhere. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she's seething with anger.

"You have some nerve coming here!" she shouts, so loudly that she spits a little. Her face is growing red and suddenly she gets in my face and advances on me until my back is pressed against the wall. She's just as intimidating as her doctor.

"Hey!" Alex yells, immediately coming to my rescue. She grabs Rebecca's mother and forces her away from me. "Get the hell off her!"

But the angry look never leaves Rebecca's mother's face. "You have no right to be here!"

I feel a tear slide down my cheek. She has every right to be angry, to hate me. I destroyed her daughter's life. I'm responsible for her being in that hospital bed. I swallow and manage to say, "You should be yelling at me. I deserve it. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry that – "

Without warning, Rebecca's mother slaps me across the face. She slaps me so hard that I can hear her flesh connecting with mine, and my cheek immediately stings. But I don't hit her back. I just raise my good hand and hold it over my cheek, looking at the floor in shame.

Alex is outraged. "You have_ no right _to hit her!" she practically screams, quickly placing her hand on my shoulder for support.

Rebecca's mother is crying now, and even though I know it's wrong, I feel sorry for her. She loves her daughter.

"She nearly killed my Rebecca. She's going to have brain damage for the rest of her life!"

"And your daughter nearly killed Casey too; on more than occasion. Look at her – she was just hospitalized with a collapsed lung because your daughter beat her and broke her ribs," Alex says sternly, and I see Rebecca's mother flinch when she hears that. "Casey acted in self-defense. Your daughter made her terrified."

Her eyes travel to me and I think I see a momentary look of sympathy, but it quickly fades and is replaced by sorrow and anger. "There is no excuse for what you did. You could have dealt with the situation differently!" She's beginning to get out of control and begins to shake, and that's when she steps away from me and raises her hand, shaking her head and deciding she's done with me. "I have nothing more to say to you, except this – you will be hearing from my attorney. We're going to sue you for every penny we can. You're going to pay Rebecca's medical bills for the rest of her life." She gives me one last look, and then turns and goes back inside Rebecca's room.

**Oh no! More trouble for Casey? Can the girl catch a break? What do you think will happen - will McCoy drop the criminal charges? And can Alex start to make Casey feel better about herself, even with everything going on? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry for the late update - last half of last week and the weekend was really busy. But nevertheless, hope you enjoy :)**

The drive back to Alex's apartment is nearly in complete silence. I'm still so shocked and shaken up from what happened at the hospital. I sit with my head leaning against my window, absentmindedly staring outside at the passing scenery.

I have never felt so much guilt – ever. It's a terrible feeling to have. It's nagging and unwavering and threatening to consume me. Rebecca made my life miserable for six months, and I've made hers miserable for the rest of her life. That's not a fair trade-off.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is the knowledge that Alex cares and wants to be with me. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that _she _Alex has feelings for _me _Casey. I still honestly believe I deserve to go to prison for what I did and if it wasn't for Alex's declaration of feelings, I'd be preparing to plead guilty at my arraignment tomorrow.

But now I can't. Alex cares about me – Alex wants to be _with_ me. Thinking about a life with her is unlike anything I've ever thought about before. And I know it's not fair – Rebecca is going to be permanently brain-damaged. How is fair that I'm thinking of leading a happy life?

It's not.

Alex decides to wait until we're almost to her building before she speaks. "Casey, I'm sorry about what happened. She had no right to touch you."

I force myself to look at Alex. She's intently staring at the toad, but turns to look at me when she feels my eyes on her. "Yes, she did. I put her daughter in the hospital – she had every right."

Alex sighs. "Look, nothing I or anyone else can say will make you feel any less guilty about what happened. But please believe me when I tell you that you are the _real _victim here. You were pushed into fighting back. Why don't you believe me?"

"I know I was pushed into it," I tell her. "I realize that. But I could have handled it in a different way. It didn't have to come to what it did. Now Rebecca's life is destroyed and mine is heading in that direction too. "

"I'm going to see McCoy as soon as I drop you off at my place," Alex announces.

I turn and look at her again, my mouth dropping open in shock. "I thought we were doing that together? This is my battle, Alex. I can't let you fight it for me."

"You're supposed to be resting for a few weeks. Remember? This is how you ended up in the hospital; not resting."

She sounds like my mother instead of my…what do I call her? My girlfriend? Is that accurate? Is that appropriate? How would she refer to me?

"Sitting in a chair in McCoy's office is hardly going to make me worse," I point out. "And besides, this is all because of me. I can't let you go in there alone and face McCoy – I won't."

I can tell Alex doesn't like this. Her body language is telling me she thinks it's the craziest idea in the world. And she's about to vocalize that. "I think it would be better if I went alone."

I'm actually kind of insulted. She thinks I'll screw something up. I feel my heart drop a little more – I had thought Alex had more confidence in me than this. So I switch tactics. I turn and reach for Alex's hand, prying the one closest to me off the steering wheel and placing my hand over top of it. She looks down at our hands and then back at the road, and I notice a small smile playing at her mouth.

"Please, Alex – by my side, remember?" I squeeze her hand. "You'll be there, and with you, I can get through anything. Remember?"

She turns and looks at me again, faint tears gleaming in her eyes. She smiles at me and says, "Of course I remember." This time it's her who squeezes me. "And okay – we'll do this together."

I sit back, my spirits having been somewhat lifted by Alex's words and her hand in mind. I feel relaxed – as relaxed as I can be, that is.

Until Alex says, "There's only one thing, Casey."

I turn my head to look at her again and this time she's wearing her serious expression "What is it?"

She looks at me for a few seconds until she speaks again. "We can't tell him we're…seeing each other." She struggles with those last words, as if she's trying to decide what to call 'us'. "We can't let anyone know."

I feel a little disappointed – make that _very _disappointed. I didn't intend to announce it over the intercom or flaunt it in McCoy's face; in fact, I hadn't intended on bringing it up at all.

Alex catches the change in my attitude and decides to explain herself. "It's just, how would that look? It would seem as though I was doing you a special favor because you're my…girlfriend." Again she struggles with it.

Now I'm not just disappointed – I'm also mad. "Isn't that what you're doing anyway? A special favor for me?" I demand. "And why is it so difficult to say 'seeing other each' or 'girlfriend'? I know we haven't officially titled ourselves, but if you want of that with me at all, you are going to have to get used to saying it."

We've reached the DA's office now and I feel a wave of nausea wash over me as I realize what is ahead of me with McCoy. It should be my main focus right now, but my mind is more consumed by Alex.

Alex parks her car in her parking spot, cuts the engine, and then sighs and looks back at me. "Casey…we need a time and place to discuss this. Not here, not right now. I told you I have feelings for you. I told you I want to be with you. But you have to understand how difficult it is for me. I've never been with a woman before. You're okay with being a lesbian…but I'm not comfortable yet. I don't even know _what_ I am. I've been in love with men…how can I be falling for a woman?"

"The word is bi-sexual, Alex, and it's just a label, so what? I've been with men too – I was engaged to one, remember? It's not that strange, and not as complicated as you're making it out to be," I tell her.

She sighs again. "It is for me. I have this career, and…" she trails off, but I read the words she's not speaking in her eyes. Roughly translated, it's, '_I have a career and if people find out I'm in a relationship with a woman – especially Casey Novak – my career is over.'_

I know I'm overreacting. I'm in an emotional place in my life right now; if things were normal and I was myself, I'd immediately see the logic in what Alex is saying and understand her position. But all I think about is that she is ashamed of me and wants to keep me a secret; I'm being ruled by my insecurities again. I just can't grasp the fact that Alex wants to be with me.

I open the passenger side door and get out of the car. I'm upset – nearly in tears – and completely humiliated for acting this way. I start to walk away from the car when Alex stops me.

"Casey! What are you doing?"

I just shake my head and keep walking, the tears coming now. My arm and ribs are starting to hurt; I'm no doubt overdoing the activity, but I don't care at all.

Alex stops me just as I'm making my way out of the parking garage. She puts herself right in front of me and gently puts her hands on both of my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "Casey…stop."

The tears are still coming and I bite my lip to try and stop them, but I'm unsuccessful. What the hell is wrong with me? I went from being relaxed and somewhat happy in the car with Alex to overreacting to what she said about us, and then to getting out of the car like a crazy person. I'm deeply, deeply embarrassed.

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and manage to say, "I – I'm so sorry, Alex! I don't know what came over me. I – "

She shakes her head. "No, Casey – it's okay." I start to cry again and she hugs me softly, being mindful of my ribs and arms. Her embrace is so warm and kind, and she smells like some exotic rose. This is where I'd love to be forever. Inside her embrace everything else disappears. There is no Rebecca, no charges against me, no McCoy…nothing. Nothing except Alex. She releases me after a few seconds and holds me out at arm's length, smiling. "You okay, honey?"

She called me 'honey' again; I think my heart just stopped. I wipe my eyes again and manage a nod.

"Good. And please don't apologize for getting upset – you couldn't help it, and I could have used a little more tact…it was a poor choice of words. I'm sorry."

"I overreacted," I admit. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"No, you didn't," she tells me, reaching down for my hand and squeezing it. "And I know what's wrong with you – you had a so-called girlfriend who mistreated you for half a year, who made you feel worthless and like less-than a person. She abused and belittled you…of course you're going to react the way you did to what I said. Going through something like that is bound to affect you, Casey. But you have to know how wonderful you are."

I look away from her. "Yeah, right. I'm so wonderful that I nearly made someone a vegetable." And I'm so negative. Why would Alex want to be with me?

But Alex seems unaffected by my words or attitude. She just continues to gaze at me like I mean something to her, then she says, "I think you're wonderful. You just need someone to show you that you have worth; that you're more than just Rebecca's victim or the ADA who was censured. That you have purpose and substance. You need to work past your insecurities with someone who cares about you, and you need to be shown that Casey Novak is still alive inside you. And I'm going to be the one to show you. I'm going to be the one to bring Casey Novak back out. I promise."

I'm crying again, but this time it's because of Alex's kind words. I throw myself into her again and allow her to hug me once more. This time she kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair gently. When my crying subsides and I look up at her, she smiles and says, "You're so cute."

I smile back. "You really think I'm still me?"

"Of course. You just got on a bad path and lost yourself along the way, but we'll get you back. Hope is not lost. I promise."

I'm immediately thinking the worst, back into my negative mindset. "But I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty about Rebecca. And her mom said she is going to sue me…and what if we don't convince McCoy to drop the charges?"

I can't believe it – I'm actually _wanting _McCoy to drop the charges now.

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I told you, I know a very good defense attorney. Even if this goes to trail, you know we can get you off. You won't do any time. You _know _that. And if Rebecca's mother sues you, it will just be a civil case. You can't go to jail for that."

Maybe Alex is forgetting or doesn't know that she's speaking to a fellow Harvard graduate – I _know _about civil suits. I know I won't face jail time for it, but I can be ordered to monetarily compensate Rebecca's family for the rest of Rebecca's life. I don't have the means to do that – I can't even support myself right now thanks to Rebecca, how in the hell would I support myself _and _pay her medical expenses?

"I know that, Alex – but I can be ordered to pay her medical expenses."

"I realize that. But her family wouldn't win." She sounds so sure of herself.

"How do you know?"

She doesn't hesitate a moment to answer, "Because I would be your attorney."

I actually gasp. "Alex, you could _not _do that!"

"Of course I could. I have a license to practice law, and civil cases are not handled by the DA's office so there would no conflict of interest."

I know technically she _could _act as my attorney, but how in the world would she have time for that? She's Bureau Chief, for crying out loud! Much too busy for little civil cases.

"But you're busy, and I couldn't pay for – "

"I would make time," she interrupts. "I would do it for you, Casey. I'll do anything to help you. And do you think I would charge you? Honestly, Casey?"

I have no idea what to say - no idea at all. She's willing to take a case pro-bono, and make herself busier than she already is just for me. This woman is amazing.

Alex touches my shoulder again and says, "Come on – let's go inside," and suddenly I realize it doesn't matter that I can't come up with appropriate words to thank her – she knows.

We walk side by side into the building. I want to hold her hand, but I know that gesture would be unwelcome right now so I settle for walking right next to her and I draw strength from that.

I expect all eyes to be on since I'm walking with my arm in a sling, but barely anyone pays me any attention at all. They probably figure I'm some poor victim coming in to meet with an ADA about testifying at a trial.

Even though I was here just a couple weeks ago to see Alex, it still feels strange to be back here again. We get on the elevator and it once again stops on the floor where my office was located. I nearly have to hold my breath as the doors slide closed. It's been a year, but I still can't forget how I used to feel when I'd step off the elevator on that floor and make my way to my office. I'd be confident and proud of myself, maybe even a little arrogant.

A far contrast from what I am today.

The elevator stops next on Alex's floor, and we exit it with a slew of others in suits and carrying briefcases. I recognize none of them. But then again, I never worked on this floor.

"I just have to retrieve some papers from my office. I have the hospital records and the witness statements from the bar, as well as Olivia's statement. I'll grab them and check to make sure nothing has been added to my schedule, and then we'll go, okay?"

I'm nervous now. I nod and follow Alex like a robot programmed to obey her without question. A million scenarios for what is about to take place are running through my mind right now as I linger awkwardly in Alex's doorway as she retrieves a file from her desk.

She has her back to me and when she leans down to pick up the file, she tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. It's such a simple gesture, but it's cute. I find myself smiling, despite my nerves.

Before long Alex is strutting back to me, that friendly reassuring smile on her face again. I'm shocked when she touches my shoulder as she asks if I'm ready. Again all I can do is nod.

The next several minutes are really nerve wracking. We get back on the elevator and ride in silence. I think I'm too nervous to speak, and Alex is lost in her thoughts about how to best approach this. We don't even look at each other until the doors swish open.

Alex steps out first and as I step out, she looks at me with another serious expression. "He's expecting me…but not you. So let me do most of the talking?"

Normally I'd be insulted, but I find myself nodding in agreement. I just want this to be over and done with – _now._

I stand a good few feet back as Alex talks quietly to McCoy's secretary. She looks once at me with an expression I can't read, then tells Alex to have a seat and she'll let McCoy know she is here.

We both take a seat in the elaborate red chairs which are arranged much like the chairs in a doctor's office waiting room. It even has the same atmosphere as a doctor's office here – sterile and unfriendly.

I'm starting to feel some pain in my ribs from moving around and sitting too much and I know I'm nearly due for another dose of my medication, but I keep my mouth shut. The last thing Alex needs is to worry about my health and pain level right now. Besides, I've felt much, much worse.

Alex suddenly looks at me and says, "I can give you a ride back to my apartment after our meeting."

No – I won't allow her to do that. She already took a personal day on Friday for me and missed half of today. I'm perfectly capable of taking a cab back to her building.

"No, Alex – I'll take a cab. I'll be okay."

She looks at me like I'm not sure. "You'll go straight home?"

I smile a little at her use of the word 'home'. It was inclusive, as if she considers it my home as well. And there's no way to describe how that makes me feel.

"Yes, _mother. _I'll go straight home and lie down – I promise."

Alex seems satisfied and just as she leans back and gets comfortable in her seat, none other than Jack McCoy walks into the waiting area.

Normally his secretary would tell you that you can go back to his office or would escort you herself – seeing McCoy actually come out himself is shocking.

We lock eyes on each other at the same time, and I immediately look away in shame. All my insecurities flare right back up and I find myself feeling as small and useless as I felt when I walked out of my office for the last time.

The last time I saw McCoy he was telling me how disappointed he was in my "poor judgment" and "lack of respect" for my position, the people of Manhattan, and the DA's office.

And now here I am, facing felony charges. I've come a long way – what a thing to be proud of.

Slowly McCoy looks away from me to Alex. After an awkward moment he says, "I have a few minutes for you, Alex."

Alex stands and gestures toward me. "Casey would like to present too, if that's okay."

I raise my eyebrows and smile hopefully.

My attempt at friendliness and charm falls short. McCoy doesn't even crack a smile or look at me again. He keeps his eyes on Alex and says, "I'm sorry, but her presence wouldn't be appropriate at this time."

My heart falls and I lean back in my chair. 'Her' presence – he doesn't even have enough respect for me to call me by my name.

I swallow harshly as he turns around and starts heading towards his office, motioning for Alex to follow. Alex turns around quickly and flashes me a sympathetically smile. "Trust me – it will be okay. I promise."

I nod and watch Alex walk away, trying to believe her words.

**Uh-oh. Do you think McCoy is going to be decent...or will there be a trial? And is it a good idea for Alex to be Casey's attorney in a civil case? Please review and let me know what you think of the chapter and any predictions you have!**

**"Roll of Thunder" update will be within the next couple of days. I want to get the chapter just right...it's an important one. Look for it in a day or two.  
**


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